Another strange thing

I have lost weight. Hard to tell how much cos the pre op starvation diet made me artificially light. . .but whatever way you put it, I am now 12 stone 5 ( 5ft 7)

BUT I still feel obese. I still wear the same clothes; they aren't too loose. I don't think I have even dropped a dress size.

Pre op weight (very low for me) was 14 stone 4 - according to CDBs scales. My "real life" weight was more like 14-11. Now I am 12-5 and yet I still wear the same clothes. Where has this mythical 2 stone loss come from? Maybe my bone marrow or something.

But my body size is pretty much the same. Weird and hard to cope with.

Did it again :-(

I had a fill booked in London, not with CDB my original surgeon, and woke up this morning feeling dire - could hardly walk, was pretty sure I couldnt get into central London; so cancelled the fill.

My stomach goes kind of up and down, some times I eat more than others.

Today I ate three (maybe 2.5) crackerbreads with Brie at about 11am; nothing but water till 5pm when I tried to eat some Chinese takeaway and pb'd 90% of it.

I later (7pm) tried to eat some slow cooked lamb ( and pb'd 130% of it immediately).

Don't feel hungry and have been sipping fruit juice since 5pm; but feel "deprived"

I am not really sure why I cancelled the fill; think I am scared of doctors (actually that isn't true; I KNOW I AM TERRIFIED of doctors); so I guess I will only be able to see CDB for fills. Weird kind of. But that's how I am

Ketosis

The Cambridge Diet (if you look up their forum) make a big thing about your body going into ketosis (which means in ordinary language that I'm burning fat for energy). They say it kicks in 4 - 10 days after starting living on 438 cals a day in the form of milk shake drinks.

I never did reach ketosis with the CD,but according to the ketostix I bought to check, I am definitely in ketosis now. But maybe that is this virus and lack of fluids.

Drink drink drink is my motto for this weekend

The biggest benefit of the band

The biggest benefit of the band is that no matter how rotten/depressed/isolated etc I feel, I can't blow my diet. I can't escape. I am trapped on the "straight and narrow".

So often in the last few weeks I'd have thought "stuff this, it is just another gimmick that doesn't work" - but short of getting a complete defill, I can't "stuff it" (or stuff my face for that matter)

I have to keep plodding on; eating what I can, pbing what I can' swallow, and getting slowly and very unwillingly used to the rules of eating slowly and little.

I am a natural rebel/rule breaker, it is kind of humbling to be dragged back into line, whether I like or not.

But the plus side I hope is that even if it is slow, weight will keep coming off. So long as I drink enought water

Feels like ages since I updated and it's been a really stressful time.

My dad has heart failure and was hosptialised then mom was having tests cos of unexplained weight loss for ovarian and colon cancer; and I had a major incident (TMI be warned) with constipation which left me in agony and bleeding and scared to go near a bathroom except to briefly empty my bladder

Added to that, dh has been off work sick - and he's never off work sick, and it is a and added stress having him to care for as as well as myself, and then to add insult to injury I got the same virus he has and am feeling rotten

Have managed to get the blog open to the public again, had to make sure dd wasnt' reading it, but she's not (I get a report on her pc activity once a week).

I went thru a patch (prob stress and over tight band) of eating non stop and pbing immediately. Thankfully that has eased off and I'm not eating half as much, tho more of it is is prob staying down.

Since I have a flu type virus I have done very little these past few days, need to keep drinking fluids, since I am likely to get dehydrated. But at least I am no longer pbing 150 times a day!

LOST SOME WEIGHT

Hard to tell what is going on, since i m pretty sick after anything I eat. I don't mindbeing sick, it is better than being fat :-) and I have even had fish and chips (a few) once.

Scared I'll scupper my band with diet coke - even tho it is flat; and scared that since I got down to 12-12 I am psychologically trying not to lose any more, even tho I want to.

Worse

My restriction has eased off a bit, but I am still eating too much and being sick too much.

DH who was very keen on my having the op, and even keener on it working fast, told me last night that he doesn't think it is going to work; all it has done is depressed me more.

Yes I am depressed,but my GP believes in depression as much as obesity so there is no point in even mentioning it to him.

I am still eating too much, and being sick all the time. Everyone says to confront the head issues which make me overeat. But what do you do when you are faced with the unchangeable? Maybe I am overeating because there are aspects of my life that I am unhappy with, what can I do when I can't change them?

I can't turn the clock back ten years and re make or undo some decisions I made then. I see no way forward, or way out. WLS was just another "gimmick diet" for me, I guess.

Difficult week

It has been a long, tiring and difficult week.

Despite wls, real life keeps going and doesn't care about me and my band, lol. So I have to try to balance the two.

Big problem re my band is that I really can't eat much except soft cheese, soft crackers, soup and fluids.

My head, on the other hand, likes to keep trying, and I do eat other food, and I am repeatedly sick.

To put this in context (not sure if I've said this already. . ) I have had a lot of pregnancy sickness in the last 15 yrs - being sick 10 - 20 times an hour was normal for me; I had to be taken to hospital for rehydration on occasions; but "momy being sick" has been a major part of my life.

So if I eat food that doesn't go down, and then have to rush off to be sick. . . no one really blinks. Mommy has always vomitted now and again.

There is no social pressure on me to keep food down, so I give in to temptation to eat food that I know won't get passed my band; and if I am sick, no big deal, no one blinks or hardly notices.

I realise that this is not a long term option.

(a) I either get a small unfill so that I can actually keep some real food down and feel full
(b) I *mentally* accept the restrictions that the band has placed me under, and keep to a diet of digestible food - crackers, cheese, soup and fluids - and that is probably going to need some "shrink work" or
(c) I get the band removed and go back to a lifetime of fighting food and dieting.

Time is a great prophet. I don't think I'd do (c) yet - but if the vomitting continues the way it has been, I will have to consider it. I have GERD and a repaired (tho I don't know how long the repair will work) hiatus hernia; and long history of excessive pregnancy vomitting (often bringing up blood by the sink-full); and I if I carry on being sick every day, I am risking my life - eventually major blood vessels in my throat/oesophagus could rupture.

Wls sickness is much easier than pregnancy sickness - no (or very little) stomach acid; and no nausea.

Sorry if this grosses you out, but it's almost like I eat food (not from hunger - from stress triggers) by chewing it, then a few moments later spitting it out.

This isn't really about losing weight, is it? It is about my relationship with food.

Slightly brighter

The last couple of days all I've had to eat is cambridge diet sachets during the day, and a fish pie type ready meal in the evenings. I am not drinking anywhere near enough water, though. But at least I'm not sick, and feel relatively normal compared to last week.

And I've lost 2 more pounds, tho maybe that is just dehydration :- (

Update

I've not posted recently cos there has been nothing to say, or at least nothing good : -(
I cancelled my fill, I am pretty sure it was the right thing to do; in fact I am not sure if I need an unfill.

This week I've been trying to eat the "normal" sort of tight restriction bandster foods, but most food I've put in my mouth has ended up in a bin. I'm starving, I eat a little, I get sick; I am starving I eat more, i get sicker - very painful and frustrating.

I have also - for no apparent reason - started the most terrible heartburn. Pre op I got gastric reflux a bit, since I had a hiatus hernia, but diet controlled it mostly, tho I have losec to take if I need it. Losec isn't touching this pain, which seems to stay with me for 3 hrs after I eat anything, which effectively means all day.

Emailed CDB and he suggested asking my GP for nexium instead, failing which to get an xray or a gastroscopy (which I assume means an endoscopy) done. Hmmm. Not really the answer I was looking for. He didn't suggest an unfill.

I just wonder if a bit less restriction would let me get some proper food in, then I'd feel full and eat less (as it is I'm permanently hungry and thirsty, but don't seem to get any relief from either for very long

I need to get an emotional grip on myself and STOP eating foods that come straight back up. there isn't any point and it can't be good for me or my band.

It's been a stressful week; we were meant to have someone round for dinner for the first time this evening so spent ages getting a meal organised, the house tidied, etc; only for them to cancel with half an hour to go.

Rude, but I was thankful. I don't feel mentally strong enough for new people right now.

OH is being very understanding and I'm going to have an early night on my own, see if the rest helps me relax a bit and therefore eat more.

To fill or not to fill . . .

To fill or not to fill, that is the question. I arranged for another fill on March 8th with a different fill provider, since I didnt' think the most recent fill in Belgium had made any difference. That was a week ago.
(this isn't me either, but I wouldn't mind looking like this)
Now, I am not so sure that I could cope with any more fill at all. Other than my staple diet of soft cheese and crackerbread, soup and fruit juice, I can't eat hardly anything. Last night I was really fed up and tried to eat chocolate. It went down ok, but I felt sickly and stuffed (could be because I am not eating chocolate as much as I used to pre op, and once you are off chocolate for a while it does taste very sweet and sickly, I find.





Then to my shock and horror, I actually vomitted the chocolate. I didn't think I'd ever be in a state where I couldn't eat chocolate in small quantities.





Maybe (I've not been feeling very well) I am going down with some virus or other.





I am able to sip liquids this morning, but no food going down at all. Haven't felt like trying to be honest, tho I did try a boiled egg - wanting to start the day with protein. Actually I started the day with two painkillers for my back pain, and these stayed stuck for ages. They are capsules, but not the type you can open and sprinkle - they are glued shut and if I try to open them they end up all over my clothes, not my mouth.





So total intake so far today: a little sugar free squash, and two tramadol. Hmmmm. Not too many calories there, but, as experience tells me, the night is young, and I tend to feel less restricted as the day goes on.

Sizes

We've been discussing clothes sizes.

I wear shapeless, loose, baggy clothes all the time. Mostly because comfort is more important to me than looks; and since I'm home based I don't need to look professional or well dressed. So long as I'm clean and comfy, I'm happy!

I do have a lot of excess loose fat (it's not exactly just skin but that sort of thing) round my tummy. I can squidge it in handfulls and fold it in on itself etc. (Bet you all wanted to know that)

I am an apple shape, not pear and look about 5 months pregnant all the time.

I also have no waist, which is why I wear elastic waisted skirts, big t shirts etc.I don't have partic big hips, but cos of my huge waist I can't wear hip hugging clothes.

I've never been an avid clothes buyer - even when young and reasonably slim (never slim slim, but not fat) - I didn't think too much about clothes.

I wore jeans, denim skirts and a variety of t shirts for years.I never did follow fashion very much . . ok, just thinking aloud here, I don't know if it was pride or laziness but I really didn't care too much about what people thought of my clothes if I was happy in them and thought I looked good.

(No, these pics are not of me but I wouldn't complain if I looked like she does!)

Now, I am beginning to realise that maybe I'm scared of trying to dress up nicely because the result will be disappointing, easier not to try than to be disappointet.

Also, for years I've been saying to myself, "it is never seemed worth the money buying new expensive clothes since I am going to lose weight soon and they won't fit in a few months".

That is called denial I suppose :-) or maybe procrastination.

I'm off to get a measuring tape, and find some chart online that will tell me what size I officially am - not that that means I will fit it in any given shop . . OK so I have a waist of 46, hips of 41 and bust 47, which makes me a waist size 24 (and I'm in danger of heart disease cos my waist is bigger than my hips); hip size 20, and bust 22.Pretty much what I expected. Dunno how people who are heavier with higher BMIs get into size 16 jeans - I'd probably have a hernia trying to get them done up (assuming they got past my bum, they'd never do up at the waist!)

Being happy in myself and my clothes is more important than feeling that people are looking at me in admiration or envy my taste in clothes (pretty unlikely unless the person has a guide dog).

It bugs me a bit that my mom is always on at me to buy new clothes and "make more of myself" - that is her way of saying I look unacceptable now. I suspect dh feels the same way (same way as my mom, not as me)

Note to self, must make more effort.

Not much restriction

I am not convinced that I should not have had the extra 0.25ml fill. Can't say I notice any real difference in restriction between before and after this fill.

I am making much more effort to stop eating as soon as I feel remotely full. . . so as to avoid food coming back up. I've also been looking at why I have spent my life eating more than I really need to for hungery or fuel.

Like many others, sadly, I use food as comfort, not fuel. Looking back to the past (he who understands the past, controls the future) I realise that as a child food - not basic foods, but treats or special foods - were rationed or simply not given to us; which wasn't easy when everyone else in school had sweets or biscuits or crisps: these were before the days of five a day fruit and veg; and I definitely felt deprived.

As soon as I was in charge of my own food intake (earning my own money and at University) I tried to make up for lost time and continually bought unhealthy food for myself, as though trying to make up for the times I'd felt left out and deprived as a child.

I've also realised that I am a natural rebel, and somehow the minute I am told to eat more fruit and veg and cut down on my carbohydrates I almost immediately swing the other way and decide to do the opposite from what I am told. Not deliberately, but subconsciously I like to feel that I am in control and not subject to the rules and regulations that ordinary mortals are!

Sounds foolish when I write it down in black and white, but despite (or maybe because of) the fact that the rest of my life is very ordered and regulated and I have very little choices in how I live or what I do (but in the end, who does, most of are wage slaves or have inescapable domestic responsibilities), I am determined to exert my autonomy by eating exactly how I want.

Foolish idea. I am not doing my own thing or being my own person by eating the wrong foods in the wrong amounts and avoiding exercise as much as possible . . it just makes me feel in control. Whereas it is really just sabotaging my efforts to live the life I'd like to live - which includes being healthy, able to exercise and being pain free.
(Grand'Place where I did a lot of walking)
Since my trip round Brussels the other day, I've been in a lot of pain from my hip joints, not to mention the pain in my leg muscles. That worries me less, since muscles will ache if you havent' used them for a while; but joint pain at my age is something I could do without. (Esp since I have parents with replaced knees and waiting for more joint replacements)

Weight loss

I have amended my ticker, to ignore the weight I lost on the pre op crash diet - semi starvation diets always make me lose short term weight quickly, but it doesn't stay off, so I've decided to use my pre op weight as a starting point.

Between my pre op consultation in Dec 13th and my first two fills Jan 11th and 12th I did not lose an ounce, in fact put on about 0.2kg. Dr Chris kind of rounds it up, then down, (to take acount of my being dressed), so it is not comparable with my home scales which are in pounds, not kilos.

Between Jan and this apointment I have lost more weight than I expected (according to his scales) - nearly one stone gone. I felt quite good about that.

On wards and downwards.

Oh and I posted on the WLS forum from the Campanille: it wasn't particularly easy, if you see this picture you might work out why (I am a 50 wpm typist at home) . .

Apologies & Update

Hi I just wanted to apolgise for complaining about the lack of support from the WLSinfo forum. Sure there are some people there I won't agree with, but on the whole I've had some decent advice and sympathy lately.

I am just back from Belgium, Dr Chris decided there was nothing wrong with my band (I am personally not convinced I didn't stretch it from vomitting), but he said all the fluid was still in, and only gave me 0.75 mils this time. He said I *could * come back Saturday for more, but he didn't recommend it.

Supper that evening was an over cooked, over salted omlette with the texture of old tyres, so I didn't manage to eat any of it hardly. I did cut it up and move it round my plate. I was convinced from that meal that I did have a bit more restriction, and decided not to have the Saturday fill.

(On a side note, that is the third time I've eaten in the Campanille, and the second time the food was rubbish)

They do pride themselves on their buffet - not much use to WLS patients, but this is what it looks like:

And for dessert:

I am now home, and I am not sure I have the slightest bit more restriction than I had; but such is life. Maybe it will tighten up and if not, Dr C is in London on the 13th of March. I kind of regret not having it done today, but when I saw Dr C on Friday night, he had a room full (I mean full to overflowing) of people who he told me were *all* there for emergency unfills. He strongly suggested I be happy with my now 5.75mls in my 9ml band.

Hmmmm. Not sure I made the right call; compared to the restriction I had back in January (post fill - the restriction didn't last), I feel positively empty.

I took lots of pics which I will post later - too tired now.

I arrived in Brussels Midi at 11am and decided to be brave and find my way to Brussels Centrale to find some touristy things to do. I say brave because the night before I left I'd searched the internet and found various reviews warning that Brussels Centrale is very "seedy", rather dangerous and it would be wisest to get a taxi from Midi to the Grand-Place, Brussels' central sightseeing area.

(The platforms are really dark and grimy)

It all went ok, tho I was irrationally terrified of being mugged; and I agree BC is far less modern, clean or safe than Brussels Midi.

I spent 2 - 3 hrs walking round yesterday and today, since I had time to kill, I spent at least 4 hrs walking round (bought so many presents for the family that I had to buy a new bag to carry them home - and I don't think anyone wants to see Belgian chocolate ever again)

I haven't had any chocolate. (insert halo here:-)

Today I have eaten

7.30 am one crackerbread with brie

10.30 am one coffe with some milk (ghastly UHT Macdonalds milk)

12.30 - 2pm 30grams pringles and some more brie (230 cals for the pringles, assuming I ate the whole 43g pack, tho I didn't)

Throughout the day, 400mls water.

Supper, half a sausage (dh had been cooking for the kids and I couldn't resist)

21.00 one cup a soup (slim variety)

when I eat I feel full, but the full ness doesn't last for more than 2 hrs, max. Sometimes it only lasts half an hour.

I do hope the excessive walking helped a bit with my weight loss

My hip joints are aching terribly, I am not used to long walks - and I am not sure I'll be able to move tomorrow - insert old age groan here :-)

I may eat a cracker bread and brie before bed, I hate going to bed with my tummy rumbling.

(total for brie all day around 500 cals. Ooops I do need to change cheeses here)

Plus one xencial - which incidentally never give me any bathroom issues. That has to be a good thing, huh?

Progress

For some reason this last week I seem to have lost some weight. The tight restriction I had has gone, making it possible to drink more water, so I wonder if that has had something to do with it. I haven't felt particularly deprived this last week, maybe because I can drink what I want. I've been eating smaller portions of everything, though there are still a lot of foods I can't eat.

I also find that I can't really eat while talking, arguing with the children, or supervising everyone else eating (lots of small kids) I have to eat in peace and quiet away from stress if I want my food to stay down.

In common with a lot of people who've had this op, I can eat at all in the mornings, I do well to get a glass of hot water to stay down. Received dietary wisdom suggests one should never skip breakfast, but I don't really have an option on that one right now.

I've also managed to stay of chocolate: once I'm off it for a week or two, I get over the "addiction" and don't miss it too much.

So this last week has been better; I've not been so starving all the time.

Of to Belgium soon . .

Monday again

Monday again, my favourite day of the week (sarcasm :-)

I recently posted on the WLS Forums asking for others' experiences of a band, to see what my experience was like, in comparison. In partic. I was/am concerned that I've not really lost much weight so far, and I wondered if this affected my long term success prospects.

Well! I got thumped good and hard for asking, with various comments telling me not to expect any weight loss for six months (???) and the general tone of replies being that I was whining and would I please be quiet.

Sigh, so much for a "support" group.

Obviously banding is a pretty individual experience, but I've come across posts by people who've lost 50% of their excess weight in 6 wks, or nearly 3 stone in 5 weeks - see http://melondramas.blogspot.com/ for example.

I don't know why a few anonymous names at the end of a forum are making me feel defensive, but they are! I am not making it up that some people lose a lot of weight quickly after this surgery; nor, sadly, am I making up the fact that I haven't!

New Fill Booked

It felt like my restriction seemed to "pop" a couple of days ago. I had bad muscle-type pain in my stomach area (not acid pain, felt like pulled muscles) and suddenly the restriction is much less. The best thing about it is being able to drink a glass of water in one go.

Obviously the bad thing is that I can eat more food. Trying to make sensible choices and not eat too much.

I've booked an appt with Dr Chris, I want to have an xray to see what happened to my oesophagus. And of course I need a fill or two.

I had a hiatus hernia repair and it worries me that all the pbing might have strained it. Or that I've stretched my band - he showed me at the pre op appointment how flexible the bands are and how they do stretch (instead of breaking) if your stomach strains them. I do hope I've not done that.

One thing I haven't had since surgery is heartburn/acid pain; and I was on full time Losec before hand, so that is a good thing.

I've got till the 22nd to try to lose some weight, then I'll see him in Belgium for possibly a double fill. I like the idea of having a fill and then being able to see him 12 hrs later, so if I am impossibly tight he can reduce it a bit. And if my restriction is not enough, he can add a bit more.

It is more expensive this way, than going to see him in London which I could have done next week, but I feel I prefer the double appointment.

I also got my exercise bike which was doing a great job as a clothes horse in my bedroom cleaned up and down to the study where I work most of the day. I even went on it for five minutes. Small steps. Got to start somewhere.

O wards and downwards.

If I get to Feb 22nd and see Dr Chris and haven't lost *any* weight, does that mean that the band is not going to work? No, it means I have to work harder with it.

Something's happening . .

Something is happening, and it doesn't feel good. My port has moved up, or so it feels. It's always been quite obvious thru my skin and it had definitely moved from south of my scar to north-west of it.

I've had pain in my hiatus hernia/top of stomach area for the last couple of days; and worst of all, my restriction is disappearing fast.

What has happened? I am concerned that my band is damaged. Is it normal to go from 85% restriction to 45% in two days? I'm still sticking to the vegetable soup, crackers and cheese, but I notice that when I ate some chicken tonight while making dh's supper, it went down fine. So I ate some more; no pbing.

Also, when I cough or shout (like when the kids are upstairs and I'm shouting for them to come down for lunch), it hurts my stomach/left breastbone area. Any sort of pressure does.

I don't think this is good. . .

Going badly

This is going badly. I weighed myself on Friday and have lost only 2kgs since my pre op appointment. I lost more weight on the pre op diet of about 8 days than I've done since the op.

I can't eat any real food, just soup (even pureed veg is too thick, it has to be soup), crackerbread and cheese. I've kept off crisps and chocolate all week.

I don't see that getting another fill is going to help, since I barely get anything other than the above food down. Yet I am positively starving all the time. I am more food obessed than ever before and can scarcely sit down for an hour or two without getting yet another bowl of soup or some crackers.

(I am making my own soup - cauliflower, carrots and onions, plus three stock cubes and 2 litres of water; I go thru that at least once a day.)

I feel starving for food, liquid and salt all the time.

And of course I feel let down that I'm letting the band down. This is pathetic. I could lose more weight than this on a crash diet (or even a normal one: 2kgs since dec 14th is not a lot of weight to lose)

I don't think it is just head hunger, because I was never hungry like this before. I might think of going back on to reductil or phentermine - which certainly stopped any physical hunger.

My back hurts a lot (long term problem) and I now have a nasty pain just below my left ribs, feels like it goes up and under them - dunno if that is swelling round my band.

I've not pb'd hardly at all today, just been hungry, drinking litres of soup, and eating cheese and crackers.

Tomorrow is another day. . . .

Not a good day

I am not having a good day. Various family issues mean I've been dying for some "comfort food" - and even tho I can't eat it, I've been trying to eat it. I don't know why I feel so desperate for food, head hunger is killing me.

And I've got quite a pain in my chest from where my hiatus hernia was stitched up - which probably isn't helped by the vomitting.

Bundle of fun today, amn't I?

Head Hunger

Head hunger has been making me miserable (and sick) today. I don't know why. I just feel starved of food. I feel like I'd willingly pay the money back, just to be able to eat a kebab. . a chicken salad. . . a roast dinner. . cheese on toast. . chilli con carne, etc etc etc.

I am not hungry starving, no tummy rumbles, don't feel weak or dizzy; I am not hungry, I just want food.

Tough, I can't have any.

Just as well my body is restricted, cos my brain would have given up by now. This is worse than the Cambridge Diet, cos I can't cheat. And every meal time that comes round (or snack time or break time or time to watch a favourite TV show or time to relax or time to get stressed - you get the idea) I want to eat food. Not just chocolate (gone of it pretty much), but proper fooooooooooooooooood. Christmas Dinner type food; brussels sprouts and all. Fillet steak; poached salmon, asparagus, rhubarb crumble with custard.

LOL I do sound pathetic don't I? Just being honest.

I need to drink more water; I need to check my salt intake (cos it's savoury food I'm craving) and I do need at some point to work on doing exercise.

But right now I'd love to go out for an Indian meal . . . . ooh, I'm just torturing myself. I can't eat food. Except soft cheese and crackerbread (and I'm beginning to hope they are withdrawn from the market following proof that they are bad for us!)

Thanks for reading, Any one else ever felt like this?

What I ate yesterday

One cup of slim a soup for breakfast.

Tried at lunchtime to eat some Sunday dinner liquidised, but that didn't work. Settled for trying to eat some potatoes mashed up with lots of gravy, but that didn't work either.

Ate a bar of Fry's chocolate cream in disgust (that stayed down) and later had a glass of orange and mango smoothie (not home made, and quite calorific, but it is easy to drink, and has to be good for me)

That was all eaten before 2pm. In church at about 7pm I was starving (really really starving I mean) and my tummy was rumbling terribly - I was hoping no one could hear! Came home and had a tin of Heinz Chicken Soup and three crackerbreads with what was left (about a teaspoonful) of my Philadelphia cheese.

Went to bed still hungry! But didn't weigh myself this morning - yay!

What I like about this band

One thing I like about the band is that it puts a swift stop to any mindless snacking. I was making supper for the children on Saturday and started popping a bit of this and one of that into my mouth. Didn't stay down and I learned my lesson fast, tho it was kind of torture getting all the sausages, burgers, chicken nuggets etc ready, and not able to eat anything.

Also, last night I woke up in the night dying for chocolate, so went to raid the fridge, and had a bit of cake. Again, a couple of mouthfuls later I had to give up.

Has to be good for me!

Predictable diet

Right now all I seem to eat or drink is:

Cranberry juice - probably not the lowest calorie option, but I think it must be good for me. And I need it to build up my iron levels.

Cup-a-soup, slimmer's version of chicken noodle Babybel cheese (light)

Philedelphia cheese (light)and Crackerbread

Next week's challenge is going to be to have more fruit and vegetables, somehow. I don't think the reconstituted pieces in the cup-a-soup really count towards my "five a day"

Slow progress

I weighed myself today and I've lost a little weight. I weighed the same (or slightly more!) at my pre op and 4-week-post op appointments. (I had lost a bit during my pre op diet). But for the first four weeks I'd not lost an ounce.

Now, two weeks further on, I've lost 2.5kgs. Hardly speedy weight loss, but at least I am going in the right direction. Now I need to redo my ticker, since I've forgotten my PIN

Got over one obstacle!

Today I had to meet my sister, whom I rarely see, she lives hundres of miles away. She'd wanted to meet me for lunch, but I managed to wiggle out of that, and agreed to meet her for some shopping and then to have afternoon tea.

I still can't eat without food burping back up, so I was very pleased that I managed to eat some of the offered apple and almond tart and drink all my apple and melon juice. Never even felt like I was going to be sick, so that was good.

I must have walked miles round the shops with her, and then I got to stand all the way home on the train, so hopefully I'll have worked off some calories.

When I got home I was starving and tried to eat some pretty mushy cauliflower in cheese sauce, but it didn't stay down. I've managed to have two cups of chicken noodle slim-a-soup. I must need the salt, as I find I crave them more than chocolate or anything sweet.

I'll have some crackerbread later on, with soft light cheese. My diet is horribly predictable. And I don't think I've lost any weight tho I going to keep off the scales till Friday, honest!

I don't really care if I only lose a pound a week, so long as I keep losing it. Slow and steady will do me ok; but I'm scared I might not have lost any. The six pounds lost shown on my ticker is from before the pre op diet.

What a difference a week makes

What a difference one week makes. It is Monday today, 9 days since my last fill. This time last week I could barely swallow fluids, and was wondering if I needed an unfill. Now, I can drink soup, meal replacement drinks and almost anything that isn't fizzy. And I can eat cheese, crackerbread and chocolate. Trying not to eat chocolate of course, but it does go down fairly easily if I do.

I think most biscuits would go down too, but I am trying to stick to healthy option - crackerbread only has 19 cals a slice, and I'm eating Babybel lights and light Philadelphia cheese with chives. I tried to eat some chicken curry yesterday but most of it came back up.

I've not really had much sucess with "real food" - even flat packed food (ready meals) doesn't go down very far or very well.

But I am definitely able to eat more than I was this time last week.

I am not going to weigh myself until Friday, when I'll be six weeks post op. It is depressing to see how fast some other people lose weight, but I guess (a) I don't really have that much weight to lose, compared to them and (b) I am horribly sedentary - ie I work from home, sitting down most of the time and don't do any kind of regular exercise.

I need to move my exercise bike from my bedroom (where it is a useful clothes horse) into the room where I work most of the day. Then I need to start using it. Oh joy. (sarcasm).

Maybe it is just the time of year, it is so cold and dark and the house is not particularly well heated, so the thought of exercise just make me want to curl up under a duvet, or dive into the biscuit tin.

Wednesday

I've finally gotten over the mega tight restriction, so can safely cancel my appt for tomorrow. I still have tight restriction, but can drink a glass of water over half an hour or so, without bringing any of it back up. So that is good.

Caught up with lilynolife's blog, and it is interesting to see the different experiences people have. I now have 5 mls in my band, having had a double fill (two fills in two days, so it is kind of like one fill), and 5mls is very very different from 3.5mls.

Yesterday I tried some soft food (weight watchers fish pie) but I don't think any of it stayed down. I find it hard to give up and move away from the food (or move the food away from me) even once some of it has come up. I feel like I ought to try to finish it. But I realise bringing food up isn't good for my band, so I need to try to stop that.

I did manage to eat about half a biscuit (I bought them in Belgium for the family) and that definitely stayed down. So long as I eat really slowly.

Not that I really want or need to be able to eat biscuits! Pasta, fish and minced meat all still refuse to go down, as do even the noodles in chicken noodle soup (slim a soup variety) - I have to scoop them all out with my spoon before I try to drink it.

I'm happy so far. Very happy that it has eased enough to same me going for an unfill, and that I am able to drink fluids. I expect that over the next few days/weeks I'll move on to eating soft foods.

Weight wise. . hard to tell if I've lost any, since dehydration always makes it look as tho you've lost weight.

Lily

Hi, how can I request access to your blog, would be very interested in your story.
Thanks
H

Monday

It is now Monday evening and it's hard to say what my food intake has been. I've tried a few things, but nothing stays down but clear fluids, and even those only stay down, 10mils at a time, it feels like.

I have tried to drink several types of soup, none of which got past my band; and am sipping hot apple juice to try to get some fluid/nutrition into me. I feel ok (I think), tho I do wonder how much longer I can stay like this and feel ok.

It is hard to know (apologies is this is gross) how much of what I swallow stays swallowed - I keep trying in the hope that some will stay down. But maybe that is making my stomach more irritated and therefore tighter. . .

I had a good patch around lunchtime when I managed to have about 50mls of soup in half an hour, that encouraged me that maybe the band was loosening up a little, but if it was it isn't any more. I am burping up saliva right now, and it's well past 48 hrs after my second fill.

I have an appt booked with Dr De Bruyne (did you know there is a De Bruyne Street by the station? You do now: -) on Thursday in London.

I am not sure what to do, should I hold out at getting about half a litre of fluid (maybe 750mls max, but no, it is more like 500mls max) to stay down each day, and expect to feel better in a week (I mean to be able to drink more) or should I go to see him and get a defill of my band.

I have 5mls in a 9ml band, and . . .well, tomorrow I am going to measure everything I drink and keep down (note to self, be content with 10mls an hour, it is better than constantly throwing it back up.) (note to self from self, 10mls an hour is only 240mls a day, assuming I waken every hour to drink. . .you need more than that to stay alive)

By this time tomorrow I guess I'll know a bit more - is the band going to loosen, or do I need it defilled.

I really really don't want to keep toing and froing getting fills and unfills and refills and defills. But is this level of restriction sustainable? No. But I'm hoping it is going to loosen on its own.

But is it? Time is a great prophet.

Saturday in Belgium

(Vilvoorde Station)

We all went together for our second fills. CDB asked if I'd noticed much restriction and I said no, not much different from what it had been, so he offered me 1, 1.25 or 1.5mls this time. I said 1.5mls please without even thinking about it (maybe not such a wise move). (And I even arranged with him to come back in Feb for another double fill. Why did I think this one wasn't going to work??)

(Restaurant at the Campanile)

The needle didn't hurt much - the first fill I decided not to look at it, since if it looks sore it will hurt me. But I watched the second fill and was amazed at the length of the needle that he put inside me. Ouch. I mentioned it and he said that that was only a small needle and proceeded to show me much longer ones. Whew. Reminded me of an amniocentesis needle.

I didn't feel any different when I sat up, paid him the required 50 Euros and drank some of the water he offered me. He must have given me about 80 mls in a plastic cup. It is going down fine I assured him; so I left, and waited for the taxi in the waiting room.

Only then did I realise that nothing was going down. I could not drink the rest of that water. The water I had drunk was pushing it's way back up my throat and I was terrified I was going to be sick. Lots of deep breathing and concentrating and the water stayed put, but there was no way I'd get any more in; so I poured it down the sink in the waiting room.

(Bicycles at the station)

Since my train wasn't till later on in the day, I'd planned to walk round Vilvoorde and take some pics, and then head into Brussels and sight see - but whatever the sights of Brussels are, they are not round the Gare du Midi! (see below)

(Tho to be fair, this is a better side of the station area:

I felt fine until I ate (without thinking) a boiled sweet, and that did not go down either. Hmmm, so THIS is what they mean by restriction! I was very aware that I had time to kill, and that normally I would have filled in the time by stopping for meals or snacks etc. When you know you can't eat, you have more time on your hands.

I wonder how often in the last 20 yrs I've eaten out of habit or boredom or because it is "lunchtime". I wasn't hungry and couldn't eat, so food was out of the question. I did finally get a cup of instant soup from a snack bar in the station (they had lots more interesting things than soup for sale, but when your stomach says no, your stomach means NO). I managed

to drink about a third of the soup before I felt I was risking it re-arriving; so I stopped while the going was good. I need to learn that more.

On the train on the way home I bought a 500ml bottle of water, but could only drink about 50mls on the journey, and I managed another 100mls all that day. Total food intake for Saturday (oops if you skip the orange juice and scrambled egg I'd had for breakfast before the fill) was 30mls soup, 200mls water.

Well, I'm not going to get fat on that.

Back from Belgium

Following that last miserable post I decided to get a taxi to the train station, so at least I wouldn't start of soaking wet. Had a further mini crisis when I didn't realise that dh wanted to meet me in London to go with me to St Pancras, to chat; and so I had my mobile off.

Which left him thinking I'd been abducted by aliens, since he was sure we'd made firm plans to meet up. We might have, I was tired and harassed and so was he the night before, and it was just one of these mix ups that happen. I didn't realise he'd been waiting for me for 40 mins at a different station till I was checked into the Eurostar terminal, and ready to leave. Oops.

Interesting, as soon as I realised he was harrassed/worried about me, I immediately felt guilty (tho it wasn't my fault) and bought a large bar of chocolate and ate it. I also managed a large ham sandwich, so restriction was pretty minimal.

Arriving at Bruxelles Midi I was very proud of myself when I managed to read the timetables and find the right platform for the Vilvoorde train, leaving in about five minutes. Thankfully I double checked before I got on it and discovered the timetable I'd been reading didn't apply to the train I would have got on - I was reading the weekends and public holidays timetable.

Ouch. Glad I checked.

They have double decker trains in Belgium . . why not in London - think of the problems it would solve? Came to the conclusion that we have too many tunnels. And I can't work out if the graffiti is real vandalism or deliberate art, since all the trains seem to have it round the doors. .

Arrived safely at Vilvoorde and found the hotel quite easily this time :-) and just as I was going out to CDB's I met C from the WLS forums who was in the next room. She and a friend arrived at his before I'd been seen and we got chatting. Only one of us had lost much weight since the op (and it wasn't me) but I guess everyone reacts differently to different levels of restriction, C was definitely more restricted than I've been.

CDB checked my notes, and filled me up to 3.5ml, told me to go back to the hotel and eat fish or pasta. We all went back together and I ate an omlette, which went down fine. Then I went back to my room and finished the bar of chocolate, and took two sleeping pills and slept blissfully till my wake up call woke me.

Off to Belgium

I really don't want to go; I hardly slept last night after a bit of a family crisis. I really am exhausted, and this morning, 4 weeks post op, have not lost an ounce of weight.

Wouldn't go except dh insists I do.

And it is pouring rain and a 20 minute walk to the train station, the start of a long weary journey to Vilvoorde and then Melsbroek.

Yawwwwwwwn

Will update later.

Water

Have noticed that I am drinking a lot less water: - less fluid of every kind. I normally have a 2 litre bottle by my desk, so I can see how much I've drunk all day, and I'm just not making any impact on it at all.

Must try harder.

Denial

I realise I am either

(a) completely unsuitable for a gastric band or

(b) in complete denial over the whole operation

I am due to go back to Belgium for a double fill on Friday. This is Monday, and I haven't even thought of buying Euros (takes days sometimes here), or dyeing my hair (which is looking distinctly rooted).

And I have not and will not weigh myself before I go.

I am able to eat anything and everything even today I had a cheese sandwich with chips. Oh dear oh dear. I do have the occasional "spit up" but I put that down to not chewing enough. If I chewed it enough, I could eat an elephant.

Also, which is sad bad not good news, I am ALWAYS hungry. Dunno what this op (remember I had a large hiatus hernia fixed) has done to me; but I never ever feel full; far worse than before the op. . . will discuss with CDB.

It kind of makes sense, if you understand what a hiatus hernia is. A small pouch of stomch moves upwards, past the diaphragm, giving me effectively two stomachs: one a hernia, and one real one.

I have been used to the "feeling superficially full, but wait a few minutes and then swallow reallllll hard and the food will move down and I can eat more" feeling.

Which is what the band is trying to do. Create a small pouch of stomach that I believe is my real stomach. I've had that for years, and it did not lead to weight loss. . . sad but true, I fear I've bought into the wrong operation.

Another issue which I haven't mentioned till now is that I've been thru a lot of pregnancies and with every one I vomitted like mad - all day every day for 6 months at least. So vomitting or "pbing" isn't something strange, it is pretty normal in this house.

My kids never blinked if they saw me rush to the loo to vomit, they just knew that that is what moms did (when pregnant). Now, no one here would notice supposing I ate and vomitted for hours on end every day.

Does anyone agree that I've bought the wrong operation?

Pain!

Getting a little worried here. .

I have this sharp nagging pain - like a stitch in your side from school days of running round a track or something, only on my left, much further up, under my ribs; can't touch it with my hands, it is under my ribs (doesn't feel like heart pain, grin, not that I would know, but more like a stitch in your side that you get from exercising too much or too soon after eating)

It is definitely related to eating, worse when I've eaten.

I had had it occasionally pre op (maybe like ten times in my whole life) now I get it several times a day, and it is much worse.

Have I done soemthing awful like disolodged my band completely?? Or what is this pain??

Is it a hint that I am eating too much? Grin, I guess it is definitely that, cos I can now eat almost exactly what I did pre op. And I wouldn't have had this op if my eating was in moderation.

Some positions - like sitting over the PC - make it worse; it feels like trapped wind in a place wind never gets trapped.

Ouch. I guess I have plenty qs to ask CDB when I see him.

My wound is about 2mm more closed up, but still blistered with infection, despite my antibiotics.

I am on 500mg x4 a day of Flucloxacillin which, according to Wikipedia is used for Bacterial infections of the skin and soft tissue, such as infected ulcers, wounds or burns,

but ineffective against MRSA. So here's hoping I have a fairly common or garden wound infection, not MRSA.

But in the mean time, the problem is this &^%$^^*!! pain

Stitches again

Still got a wound that won't heal, and a bit of poking around with tweezers located some black stitching. I pulled with all my might (think story of the enormous turnip :-) as did dh, but we could not get it out.

Finally rang the local surgery, who at times seem to exist to make sure that no one gets and medical treatment at all. . . who grudgingly gave me an evening appointment.

Saw a new (youngest there) doc who was actually quite interested in my condition (rather than looking at his watch every half minute like my previous GP did) , and who agreed that yes, there definitely was a stitch in the wound and worse, he was pretty sure it was infected.

Got the stitch out, he said it was "long term dissolvable" and doing no good at all, so might as well come out. I am now on antibiotics, hoping desperately that they work before my proposed double fill in Belgium in 8 days time. . .

Fed up

I am now 21 days out of surgery and feeling rotten. I stillllll have this horrible wound that won't heal, and I am heavier than I was before I went for bloomin' surgery. Feeling pathetic, hopeless and like I might as well have spent the money on lottery tickets, this gastric band has gotten me NOWHERE in terms of weight loss so far



I dodge the scales, but I am hovering around 91kg, same as pre op; ok I lost 5kg on the pre op diet but that was basically starvation. If I wanted to lose weight on the Cambridge Diet, I could have done without this op.

That is how I feel . . .


I have to go back to Belgium for a fill on 11th Jan - 8 days. I am scaredest that he wont' do a fill cost my wound is still gaping and oozing and not happy at all. That would be the biggest waste of money and worst disappointment. (if you look to the left you see a slight vertical properly healed scar. The mess in the middle is the scar that won't heal)

I am horrified at how little restriction I have. I have to be a littttttttle bit careful what I eat first thing in the morning; but once I've had some fluid, and a couple of hours of being up and about I can eat most things

And like I knew before surgery, alcohol, chocolate and the rest of the garbage goes down no bother. I really wish I had been 40 pounds heavier and been able to have stomach bypass op


Watched a very moving TV program on US 5 tonight, a 16 yr old had bypass surgery. He was 411 pounds before hand, and it was a battle getting a surgeon to do the op cos he was under 18, but a yr later he was just like normal. Ok, he was 6 ft 2 and a bit on the big side (240lbs) but normal, not just a massive walking disaster.


Lots of debate as to what causes overweight (or morbid obesity) is it nature or nurture. This program tended to blame genetics, since this man was from a normal family, with no one else with a weight problem.

His life got totally changed around. Yeah for him.

But right now. . .

I have lots of pain and oozing discharge from a superficial wound. I have worse muscle pain from another "keyhole" site, which looks great on the skin, but underneath everything realllllly hurts; worse than my hysterectomy, I can't carry, list or go upstairs without careful consideration of the muscles involved.

And I have virtually no restriction on what I eat or drink or chew or swallow. The restriction was greater at the beginning - now it is nothing.


Maybe and it is a big maybe, I am beginning to lose faith is this whole damn thing, once I've seen my doc Chris de Bruyne and had a "fill" (thereby tightening the band round my stomach, and in theory making me eat less) I'll start to lose weight. But frankly it is a big maybe.

I don't think there is a pill or op in the whole world that can control my weight. I believe it is a mental process; and that mental process ain't working.


I feel pretty pathetic and hopeless and low. And I wish this wound would heal - can't my body even do that right??

I did lose 4 litres of blood and was in a life and death situation a couple of weeks ago, but so what, I have to get on with life now as it is.

And life now is too fat and not happy.


Pic of wound coming up . . .so close down now if you get queasy easy. The yellowish colour is idodine/savlon/antiseptic spray; I sprayed it on the wound, and waited and within a moment or two, more fluid would seep out and cover the spray. I is prob not as sore as it looks, but sore enough!

Stitches

One of my stitches which is supposed to have been removed is giving me a lot of bother. The wound, which is about an inch and a half and not particularly painful, will not close up, but oozes all the time - and looks quite different to the other scars which are healing nicely - you can see the difference between one scar to the left of the picture which has almost disappeared, and the other one which is open.

Dh did some open stomach surgery (grin) and we managed to remove this bit of stitch which the nurse and doctor at my local surgery didn't exist:

Hopefully the wound will close over now.

15 days post op

Didn't weigh myself today for fear of what I'd discover.

I am very very weary and fatigued. CDB warned me that the blood transfusion would leave me tired for 3 - 4 weeks and it has. There is so much I'd like to be doing with the children this holidays, but mostly I'm just lying around. Went to sleep last night at 10pm and didn't waken till nearly 11am; I'm not being lazy (which would be quite possible :-) I am medically exhausted.

Then I got up and ate some chocolate - not a wise decision, but lunch didn't stay down at all. So maybe that makes up for it calorie wise.

now later afternoon and I still don't feel like food, just like sleep. Oh well, here's hoping next Christmas is very different :-)

There is no way I am feeling strong enough for exercise right now; and I'm beginning to wonder if the scar on my tummy will have healed enough for CDB to access the port on the 11th. Don't fancy an injection into a raw scar - tho maybe the port isn't there exactly, I can't feel it.

Do many of you feel yours?

I get depressed reading about people who are two stone down two weeks out; I am not going that way at all; but then I don't have much mental energy to put into healthy eating or exercise; I am more just in survival mode right now

The Battle

I realise now this is not a physical process, but a mental one.

The band is making me stop and consider what I am putting into my stomach; before I just ate - while talking, watching TV, typing, reading - I never eat meals at the table if I can help it, I am always too busy.
And when you eat without thinking you over eat. Or I do.

Now I really need to get my head round some sort of eating plan. All my life (my mom wasn't great for routines or discipline of any kind - we never ate regular meals, brushed our teeth or tidied our rooms) so I've grown up just eating what I feel like when I want.

The concept of three meals a day just doesnt' exist for me - tho, strangely, I am very careful to make the children eat 3x a day sitting at the table. I just don't do it with them.I need to plan ahead what I am going to eat, and stick to it.

That will be hard for me, I have no self discipline. But I also have no excuse not to.

If I am going to graze all day on whatever takes my fancy, my band is not going to work. And that is a very painful thought

Not easy

I am not sure what I was expecting, but I didn't expect life with a band to be so . .. difficult.

Despite the research and stories I'd read, I didn't realise that every single thing that goes into my mouth has to be thought thru carefully, chewed carefully, swallowed carefully and may yet still come back up less than carefully.

I spent the first week on liquids only, which was ok, so long as I took ages to drink them. I'd never before realised how much I "gulp" fluid instead of sipping it. Might have to resort to drinking from a teaspoon.

Then I moved on to soft food, and that has been a disaster. A few carefully chewed mouthfuls of scrambled egg and I feel like I am choking - and trying to drink water to flush it down is hideous, the water just comes back out. There is nowhere for it to go. And it hurts like mad.

I've been sick several times a day over the last few days and have put myself back on to a liquids only diet for a week to see if that will let things settle down. I only have 1ml in my band and am due for a fill on Jan 11 (15 days)

The odd thing is that it is not always the same, sometimes I can eat a small portion of cottage pie or something soft like chocolate mousse or jelly; other times that seems to choke me.

I am beginning to wonder if this was a good idea. In fact I am quite sure it was not! But give it time, I tell myself. Christmas is not the easiest of times to have restricted food intake since there is so much (lovely) food around. My self control is rubbish, so sometimes I just eat something hoping for the best, and of course it hurts and I'm sick and I feel stupid.

As stupid as a goose and as stuffed as one at Christmas!

I am also realising that I am hopeless at telling myself when to stop eating, even "good" foods like soup or protein drinks. I've been trying to analyse it (not much else to do, as I am lying around exhausted most of the time after my blood transfusion). I have discovered that unless there is food in my stomach I feel slightly nauseous, so without thinking I go to eat something else.

I am not sure if this is related to my reflux problems, over production of stomach acid or what. Any of you who have been pregnant might know what I mean, if you get too empty you start to feel sick. But I've not been pregnant for years, so that isn't the reason.

Old habits die hard. I just hope I don't die along with them :-)

I'm still in quite a bit of pain from my wounds, esp the long one with the stitch still in it; and am very very tired from lack of blood. Glad dh is home to help with the house, I've done nothing much else but get on the PC and watch TV - tho I am too tired to watch that often.

Didn't weigh myself today; and going to try to only weigh myself once a week, as it is too disspiriting seeing the scales go up and down and up again.

Stitches - this is me 10 days out

Went to the NHS nurse at my local surgery to have my stitches out today. Might as well have stayed home.

First thing she said was "oh, you haven't got any stitches".

Oh yes I do, I showed her one inch of plastic sticking out of a wound.

Oh. . .but these are dissolvable

No, they are not (I've had dissolvable stitches before, and these weren't; plus CDB had told me they weren't)

Oh. Oh well, I just pull.

And pull she did. One stitch came out; she snapped the ends of two others and assured me that the last two were so tight there was nothing they could do.

Would the wounds heal with stitches still in them, I asked.

Oh, not sure.

Would they get infected?

Oh, not sure.

What do I do now?

Oh nothing. Maybe they come out, maybe they stay in.

Very comforting, not.