Back from the Brink

"If you feel you are losing control of your surgery specific food intake what pulls you back from the brink?"



That question was asked on the WLS Info Forum. This was my reply:



I take a deep breath, and give myself a stiff talking to, and go back to fluids only for a few days (or fluids mostly at least - milky coffee, soups, slim fast - that seems to break the snack-habit which is my commonest downfall)



My over eating is always emotion-related, and I've learned (or I am learning) to forgive myself for it, and just sit it out till I get over it, and then cut back to get my weight down a few pounds.In the past I'd have hated myself for gaining five pounds so I'd have eaten till I gained ten, then dieted like mad till I lost four and hated myself for not losing fourteen. . .



My band is a brilliant tool. It does stop me "self destructing" like I used to do, since I can't physically eat enough to gain a stone in a week (I used to be able to) (easily) I have a really slow/low metabolism, and can only eat about 800 cals a day without gaining weight. That is a sad fact of life. I don't think that will ever change. But now, with my band, it is much harder to eat 5,800 cals a day



What pulls me back from the edge? My band doesn't let me crash over the edge as fast as I used to. It's like a parachute - I still go over, but more slowly. And I'm learning that that is ok, so long as I get up again.

Maintenance

As far as maintaining my weight goes . . I'm not v good at it. I am constantly gaining a little then losing a little.

I love reading other bandster's blogs, it is always really inspiring to find out how other people are doing. Sara at http://saragetsskinny.blogspot.com/ makes some interesting points.

"Do a web search for weight loss related blogs, and you’ll turn up approximately a kajillion sites. Start clicking on them, however, and you’ll soon realize that the vast majority of them fall into two categories:

1. Relatively new blogs by people who are in the first several weeks or months (or days, even) of their current weight loss effort, and

2. Pages long abandoned with their last entries a static reminder of better times.

Given that weight loss is generally impermanent in nature, it makes sense that the websites it inspires are equally so. If statistics say that only about 3% of us will ever achieve the holy grail of weight watchers everywhere by taking (and keeping) the weight off, then it’s probably safe to assume that some 97% of weight loss bloggers will disappear along with the success they had at the scale. I understand this, but it still makes me sad."

I guess part of the reason I am going to keep this blog going is because I have been doing it for nearly two years. There aren't that many banding blogs out there which cover that length of time. And maybe this will be useful for someone who is starting out.

No pics today, sorry - but again, if you want to see before and after pics, leave a comment, or email me bandster@ntlworld.com

Update

Well, I'm back. Sort of. I gave up the other blog, I guess I wasn't happy about being so open online.

I guess at worst it's easy to imagine my mom reading my blog. No one I know IRL reads this. At least not as far as I know.

Maybe they do. At least they'd know I don't have terminal bowel cancer. Which is what they all imagine since I've lost so much weight for no reason . . . .

Anyway. . .

If anyone reads this and would like to see before and after pics - let me know, leave a comment. I am happy to share pics with real people who want to see them. Just not happy to put myself online for the world to see.

Kudos to those of you (Dash, Catherine, etc) who can. I can't.

Soz guys

The End

Not the end of my banding journey, but the end of this blog.

I am going to switch to a new blog, and will take this one down in a month's time.

I feel that there are far more people who read than comment and I am not sure why.

If you are interested in reading more , email me at bandster@ntlworld.com or leave a comment here, and I'll give you my new blog address. Sorry if this sounds paranoid, but I've been having some bad feedback in real life from things written on this blog.

PS

Have booked a band defill, I hope. It is early and I have a meeting, so if the doctor is late I will miss him. Hmmm.

Not that I really want a defill, but something has got to give, and I don't want it to be my band. Now to decide, how much to have out. . .

Struggling

The last week or so have been hard. Probably longer than that, actually. The hot weather has made my band tighter, and that has made me sicker which has irritated my stomach and made my band tighter.

So I seem to spend life hungry and tired, and never able to get proper food down, while nibbling constantly and not-good-for-you food - you know the stuff like crisps (chips) dip, nuts, ice cream and er anything liquid. Which is NOT good for me.

I am in the horrible position of being so restricted that I am "hardly eating" in terms of food, yet I have put on four pounds. I am now 9 stone 6. And growing, at this rate.

I have two choices, accept the tight band, go on to something like the Cambridge Diet/Slim Fast and get used to not eating food (not sure how that is going to work . . .) or have 1 mil out of my band to give myself a chance to eat real food and hopefully lose weight because I won't be eating so much junk.

Sigh.
This is not good. I am pbing constantly, like 20 times a day? I don't count,but everything I try to eat gets stuck; I'm sick, I get hungry, I try to eat, it gets stuck. . . and so it goes on.

I'm also getting heart burn/acid indigestion, which is *bad* - I never normally get this. I know it is from the irritation to my band/stomach caused by poor diet and pbing non stop. To explain how tight my band is, I just had some lovely (huh!) Gaviscon extra (for foreign readers, this is a thick, gloopy, mint tasting, chalk textured antacid) and even that is likely to come back up, since it is not clear liquid.

Boooo. I am having a bad day. Writing this helps. I'm looking into getting a defill on Friday, though that will be complicated cos I have a meeting to go to; and there is the problem that any defill is likely to make me gain weight really fast. And even if I have a defill now, I will have to have a refill soon. . . which is £200 down the drain.

I hate this yoyo-ing. It is as bad as being on diet. And it proves that my head issues are still well and truely there, and I've not learned anything really.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Maintaining slowly

I seem to be fairly settled at around 9 stone 3. That isn't to say it is easy, I wish, grin.

Because I am home based, I am around food all day. I can never eat a huge amount at once, but cos I can eat more later, then later then later, then again, I have to be careful that I'm not adding up calories without realising it.

I do find when I am out and about doing other things that I lose weight more easily - when I'm at home, I am more likely to take risks, and try to eat food that my band hates, or eat too much, cos if I am sick at home it isnt the worst disaster.

However when I'm out with friends or anywhere other than home, I am much more careful and don't overeat, and I find I'm likely to lose a couple of pounds that week. . .

Moral of the story - stay home moms have more probs with bands :-)

Found some photos

Found some old photos of myself injecting blood thinners after surgery, don't think I've posted them before - pretty scary stuff!

My stomach is currently pretty horrible. But at least it doesn't look like this any more. . .

Biggest Loser

Been watching the TV program, UK version. I am about ten days behind, cos I never have time to watch it in real time, so always see it on catch up tv. . .

They had this episode where they had to pick up the weight in fat of what they'd lost. It looked huge and heavy.

I've lost . . (6 x 14) + . . . . nearly 90 pounds. (or 38 kg). Wow. Would NOT like to see that in fat that I had to pick up and carry around.

That is the weird thing about weight loss surgery. You lose weight almost so slowly that you dont notice it. If you read back on this blog I had times where I wasn't losing, or where I was fed up cos I didn't seem to be losing fast enough, I felt I was going nowhere, etc.

But now, 18 months on; wow. I am a lot lighter than I was. I don't actually look fat any more.. . .

Hard for me to say that, my mind hasn't yet caught up with my body.

Low blood sugar?

The other day I had a weird experience.

I don't normally do much exercise - to be honest, I do none at all. I am absolutely sedentary and don't like going upstairs more than a couple of times a day if I can help it.

Was out with friends last week, and went for a brisk 20 minute walk. Then for a swim and then to a sauna and steam room. Then a 20 min walk home. By the time (noon) we got back, I was beginning to feel dreadful.

All I'd eaten all day was one cup of coffee. I felt really nauseous, sick, dizzy and weak. And kind of spaced out? Like I wasn't in touch with reality.

I had felt ok while swimming, though I'd found the brisk walk quite tiring, esp on the way home, and found it hard to keep making conversation while walking (getting out of breath).

I had to go out of the steam room cos I felt dizzy,but thought it was just the heat.

But the sick/weak/weird feeling kept on for ages. In the end I thought it might be low sugar, so I managed to drink some fruit juice; then some more.

I felt worse and worse and began to wonder if I was going to have to call an ambulance. . I couldn't eat any food, but thought that fruit juice might help my blood sugar levels.

Eventually it did. Wow was I grateful to start feeling "normal" again.

And I will never ever exercise on an empty stomach again!

Photos

I've put pictures of myself pre and post op on to a separate private blog; if you want to see them, leave your email address and I'll send you an invitation.

Starving

For no obvious reason I am starving. It's 0930, and I've been awake for 4 hrs. Had two cups of coffee since waking and starting to nibble pistachio nuts, but decided to think what I really want to eat. . .

A tin of these! Thankfully we live near a supermarket, so I can go to get some before lunch. My stomach is rumbling at the thought!

Friday 19th

And 8 stone 13.9 pounds this morning, which surprised me cos I feel like I've been pigging out a bit lately. Maybe it's dehydration cos of the warm weather (beautiful here in the South of England).

Still debating about posting personal photos here. .

Oops

It is Wednesday again and I haven't updated this week. Not sure how much I weigh (can't often say that) cos I've not been on the scales for a few days. I was down to 9 stone 0.3 pounds on Friday. I'd like to get under 9 stone, but since then I've eaten too much.

I didn't have to eat it, but I did. Sigh. I realise now that I am in maintenance mode; not trying to lose or gain weight, just stay sort of level. It isn't easy, I think it is easier to be losing rather than standing still.

My diet is not the world's healthiest, but over the weekend I did well. I had a girls' night out with a couple of friends on Friday and Saturday. We had dinner at an amazing restaurant (http://www.yauatcha.com/) which served up small portions of food, so I was able just to pick and choose what I wanted.

I don't think any of the others there noticed what I was or wasn't eating. Two of the friends who were at dinner know about my band, but we didn't discuss it. One of them did tell me (she's a good friend!) that she reckoned I looked more like 10 stone than 9 stone. (???!!!).

She is probably right, since people are always surprised how light I am for my size; I think I have light bones or something.

I'm still not really used to the fact that I am 9 stone something, instead of 200 pounds. I was reading an old journal last night, I was 14 stone 9 and really trying to lose weight. At that point in time I'd never heard of gastric banding. But I had been dieting all my life.

I am so glad that I found a way out of the endless cycle of "gain-lose-struggle-lose-gain-regain"

I've thought about posting photos here. . . .but I am nervous in case anyone who knows me in real life and doesn't know about this blog stumbles across it and recognises me.. . hmmmm.

If anyone wants pics (The Dash?) you can leave your email address in a comment and I'll send some privately. Or am I just being paranoid, does it really matter if real life people find this blog?

Not sure.

A Scale Victory

Finally discovered what NSV and SV mean - as found on lots of other bandsters blogs. . .

Scale or Non Scale Victory.

Today was an SV. I was 9 stone 0.8 pounds. I do think that I have lost a couple of pounds because I had a horrendous dental appointment the other day and really could not eat afterwards. I had some meal replacement drinks, and plenty fluids, but couldn't eat. Still can't eat properly, my mouth is swollen and sore. . ouchie.

I look like Donald(a) Duck. Not funny, esp since I am meeting friends at the weekend, for a fairly important girlie night out together, followed by a trip to Queen's Tennis Club.

I really don't want to go there looking like Donalda Duck, no one is going to notice weight loss when my lower face is swollen like I've been hit by a bus.

I hope the swelling goes down.

So it has been a good week, scales wise, but not so good in other ways.

Monday

Nine stone two point 8 pounds.

Better than it has been lately. I am glad. But having said that I have had a rotten day today, eaten too much of the wrong stuff. I have this thing about garlic and herb dip. Which is really just mayonnaise (liquid fat) with garlic flavoring . . .

I like to nibble tortilla chips dipped in garlic and herb dip. Sigh. Millions of calories. I really really need to get out of this habit.

Diet right now is like this:

Morning: decaff coffee with milk and a biscuit (100 cals)

Lunchtime: nothing, maybe coffee, but am generally not hungry.

Mid afternoon: chips, dip and lean chicken fillets (chicken is 150 per pack and it takes me ages to eat; chips are 500 per pack; dip is 1000 cals per tub. Eeeeeek. I can get through a tub in a day or maybe two)

Evening: I just continue with the above (cos I won't have finished it) and , maybe add some chocolate in.

I do cheat and take Orlistat every meal . . .to get rid of some of the excess fat I am taking in.

Not exactly a balanced diet. In fact when I write it down it looks terrrrrible.

Strange; pre banding I ate tons and tons of vegetables; I always had this thing about vegetables, I loved them. Broccoli, carrots, brussel sprouts, onions, cucumber, tomatoes, peppers, lettuce, even boiled cabbage. . .

Now I can't eat veg, unless it is mushed beyond belief. Sometimes I manage carrot and corriander soup.

(pre band I ate lots more, not just veg, lol, didn't get to being 15 stone 3 by just eating veg)

I've never been a fruit eater. Hate it. Would rather eat cauliflower than an apple. And definitely prefer brussel sprouts over bananas. Weird, eh?

Am hoping to improve my blog, make it more interesting, chatty and add in some pics. I want to thank two bloggers, The Dash; and The NYC Attorney; your blogs are inspirational. I hope to learn from you.

Weight

I am 9 stone 4. I was this weight in January. I don't know whether to be happy that I am maintaining at at sensible weight, or depressed cos I've not got very far in 6 months!

I suppose I did have a de fill which made me gain nearly a stone, and I've managed to get rid of that. But I'd like to lose more. . .

Also feel bad that I post so few photos :-) Will try to improve, otherwise this can be a bit boring to read!

My port

My port is on my left hand side, above my waist and below my ribs. This picture shows it during my last trip to Belgium

Erm, you can also see my desperate need for a tummy tuck :-)

Update

Sorry so long in posting again. .

My weight has stablised around 9 stone 4, which is ok, though ideally I'd like to lose another seven pounds and get back to 8-12 which I was in March. But if I can't that is ok.

I am the first to admit that I am *not* the world's greatest bandster. I'm probably one of the worst :-) I do often eat too much or too fast or the wrong food, and end up pbing mildly on a daily basis.

But last night. . .

Something weird and terrifying happened last night. Had a normal sort of day, eating the normal sort of foods, had a couple of minor pbs (I don't get pain, I just burp food back up when I am too full).

(That is how pbing is for me; food comes up very gently and easily; I don't hardly notice it unless I have to rush out of polite company suddenly. I can tell when it is going to happen and just excuse myself normally, so it isn't a big deal in my life it I bring food back up again.)

Then around 7pm I had some (very) distressing news and spent the next couple of hours quite upset. Didn't eat or drink anything much (not that I remember, I might have picked at some left over chicken I'd had for supper . . ).

Went to bed at midnight, and woke at 2am with a fearfully sore back, I thought. (I get back pain sometimes - have Tramadol for when it is bad). I was horrified at having such severe back pain.

Then I realised it was my upper left chest area that hurt, not my back. It was my band area that was hurting. Really really hurting. I couldn't lie down or sit up or get comfortable. I could feel pain like a knife in my chest. Was worried it might have been a heart attack, but the pain wasn't in my arms or jaw.

I really didn't know what to do - visions of a band eroding into my stomach, internal bleeding, dying etc, flashed before my eyes. I managed to drink some water, and it went down ok, but the pain was too severe for me to risk painkillers, in case my band had slipped and they would aggrevate the situation.

Then I started to get hiccups and I could feel my stomach hurting round where my band is. It was sooooo painful.

Finally, over the next hour or so, I pb'd some chicken I'd eaten at 5pm. I was so relieved when the pain passed, but I was so scared.

I was sure my band had slipped. Do you think it did?

Today I've been on fluids only to give my stomach a rest.Wow, if people normally feel like that when they pb no wonder they avoid it like the plague.

I wonder what happened. I really really don't want it to happen again!

Progress

I think I am making some progress. Not eating too much, good restriction, and I've lost a couple of pounds.

I do need to be careful of overeating foods which just come straight back up again (long term pbing = band damage). And I need to be careful not to overeat high cal "slider" foods which go through my band easily. Though having said that, I don't think there is much, other than clear liquids, which will go through my band easily right now. . .

Another fill

After a 1 mil fill last week, I really don't feel I that I have much more restriction. So I kept a previously made appointment and went for another fill with Dr Chris.

He wasn't convinced I needed it but let me have 0.5mil - though he said he won't let me have any more, he said he had thought previously that I had lost too much weight.

Huh! That should be my decision.

It was interesting being at his London Clinic in Upper Wimpole Street. Lots of other bandsters there with different stories.

I now have 6 mils in my 10 mil band; and am a bit miffed that Dr C more or less said that this is the last fill he will give me. I need to work with this restriction, not against it.

Not eaten much today - made the mistake of going to the appointment at 1530 without having had any real food, and afterwards I could only have soup (and chips and dip)

My restriction is nowhere like it was after my January fill last year. (when I went from 1 mil to 5 mils over night).

Weight wise, I never really understand how Dr Chris works it out, I was 60kg this morning, first thing, no clothes, and yet he made me 59kg in the afternoons with a heavy denim skirt on . .

Back to basics, keep drinking water, keep off high cal foods like pistachio nuts and onion and garlic dip; and get plenty protein in.

And avoid being sick. Scared I'll damage my band or pouch if I am sick too much

This is the Nectar Protein Drink I mentioned in my last post
It mixes up into a blue froth. Doesn't taste too bad :-)

Monday

Was up to 9 stone 13 on Friday, and had 1 mil fill.

Monday, I am 9 stone 7, so something must be working. I don't feel very much restriction, but am trying to cut down and stop as soon as I feel full. I didn't last very long on just soup and fluids so on Sunday had some real food, but not very much.

Need to keep taking my vitamins, protein drink (bleugh - ok it isn't too horrible, but it does take a while to drink it. I bought Nectar on the recommendation of Carol Mac on WLSInfo Forums, but probably the "Crystal Sky" (my choice) wasn't the best flavour to go for, it's bright blue and bubblegum flavoured.

Update

I should keep this more up to date, it is helpful to me to look back and see what I went through previously.

Had one mil taken out of my band on April 4th - I'd thought i was losing restriction and wanted a fill, but slight pouch swelling meant a defill.

I started gaining weight with a vengeance - by May 8th I was up to 9-13 (from 8 - 12 on April 4th)

I had planned on going to Belgium on May 8/9th, but due to family committments, I couldn't. Instead I went to a new fill provider, Marc Focquet, in London.

He is also Belgian, and very nice. He went through my history with me (a shortened version, I skipped the bit about scarlet fever last summer), and gave me a 1 mil fill.

Have to say he didn't seem to find doing the fill as simple as Dr Chris does, but then he didn't fit my port, and I think he might place them differently.

It hurt more than it normally does - like someone said it feels like a cork popping - ouch.

I was able to drink all the water he gave me, which was disappointing - when I'm well filled I can only sip liquids, rather than glug them.

Now, 24 hrs later, I dont' feel like I've had much of a fill at all. Can still glug water, and last night had a bad spate of eating for England (though I was sticking to liquids, so maybe I should say drinking for England :-)

Let's see what this week brings. Some weight loss I hope!

Getting fat and scared

I was banded in Dec 07 and after quite a few fills finally began to lose weight (at 5.5mils in a 10 mil band)

In March this yr I felt I was losing restriction and putting on weight, so booked a fill with my surgeon, Chris de Bruyne.

He did an xray and said that my pouch was slightly dilated, and *un filled* my band 1 mil.

That was April 3rd; he said I'd be ok for a refill in four weeks.It's five weeks tomorrow.

In that time I've gained 15 pounds.

I am not able to get back to Belgium, and he isn't in London till May 15th, so in desperation I am going to see Marc Focquet for a fill tomorrow

I just have absolutely NO restriction, hardly.

I can drink 2 litres of water without stopping to breath, far less swallow.

Looking back my normal restriction level wouldn't let me drink more than 100 mls without stopping for a bit.I am gaining weight by the day.

But my biggest fear is that Dr Marc Focquet won't let me have a fill, cos my BMI is still in normal range.I am gaining weight so fast it is terrifying.

Will report back. If he won't give me the 1 mil back, I guess I'll have to try someone else.I have GOT to get restriction back, or this will just have been yet another mad crazy crash diet. . . Soz to moan. It's that time of night

Oh no

Oh no, here we go. I've put on 5 pounds since Friday morning. How is that possible? I know I am eating more, but didn't think it was *that* much more, and I've been exercising too

Need to get my refill bookd asap :-(

Off to sulk in a corner . .

Misery

This is soooo not what I wanted to say.

Went to Belgium yesterday to see CDB cos I wanted a tiny fill, although my band is pretty tight, I havent' lost weight for a month.

He wasn't impressed with me. Told me I was dehydrated and losing muscle not fat; needed to eat more protein and had prob lost too much weight. (not fat, just weight)

HUH?? Ok, I know there are BMI charts etc, but I am still fat round the bust,back and lower legs.

Then (and I so did not want this to happen!) he xrayed my band, and I saw that my pouch is swelling a little. More than a little.

So he promptly decided on a 1 mil de-fill for 4 - 6 weeks.

I am only at 4.50 mls now.

Last time I had a defill I went from 5.75mls to 4.75mls and in four weeks gained 10 pounds. . .

May 16 08 I had 5.75mils and was defilled to 4.75mils

During the time between May 16th and June 20th, when I had 4.75 mils in my band, I gained 10 pounds, going from 12 stone 2 to 12 stone 12.

June 20 08 I was refilled with 0.75

And since June 08 I had 5.50mils in my band; and have gone from 12 stone 12 to 8 stone 12 (9 months to lose four stone).

And now I feel like all that has been yanked out from under me, I have no restriction at all, and am terrified that in four/six weeks I will have gained 20kg.

Help help help.

How do I cope with this? Dr Chris as ever is kind, competent, but efficient; I didn't have a hope of arguing with him, nor of pointing out that I *like* the weight I'm at.

On the other hand I can see that my pouch is dilating, I've been vomitting too much lately, and I do desperately lack muscle tone.

So although I am terrified, I realise he is right. My restriction (I only got back from Belgium a few hours ago)already seems to have disapppeared. Completely.

Cambridge Diet here I come. If I can. And I am going to book a refill asap.

And since I never travel without my camera; here is CDB's house:

and consulting clinic - the side entrance In his waiting room, a model of a gastric band. Very interesting to see.The Campanille Hotel:

Brussels was very cold this time: took refuge in McDonalds for coffee and some breakfast:

McDonalds is pretty impressive in Brussels. More so than in New York City; or central London.
They haven't had McDonalds in Belgium for long, well, only since 1978

then finally, after a long trek, arrived back in St Pancras.

As for the future, next 4 - 6 weeks.

I am frankly terrified.

Size matters

New look. .

Well, new measurements anyway.

Found this from an old post, 13 months ago, Feb 29 08: (I was about 13 stone then, down from 14-8 pre op; I was 10 wks post op)


. OK so I have a waist of 46, hips of 41 and bust 47, which makes me a waist size 24 (and I'm in danger of heart disease cos my waist is bigger than my hips); hip size 20, and bust 22.

Well, since I am sitting here not doing much, killing time till I have to get up and go to Belgium tomorrow morning, I took some measurements.

Waist 31, hips 33.5 and bust 39 inches

Hmmm. Other than my hips I am kind of appalled how big I am, since I am 8 stone 12 with a BMI of 19.

But an enormous bust! Tried to look this up online; it seems I have UK size 16 bust and waist, but a size 8 bottom. Hmmm.

Anyone out there know more about sizes than me?

Maintenance

I guess I am into the phase where I want to maintain my weight loss, rather than lose any more weight.

And that is really really hard, since I've been either gaining or losing weight all my life, I can't imagine having the same figure show up on the scale every day. (or week)

I don't know how to handle this. I am just under 9 stone most days, but up and down. And I am terrified of regaining weight.

My restriction has loosened a little and that is letting me eat too much. I need to get a small fill soon, am going to Belgium on April 4th.

Hope I've not put on too much weight by then.

It got worse

I got up to 9 stone 5 the other day. I was worried. I didn't want to weigh myself the last week.

But today I was 9.2 again. Hmmm.

Doesn't seem any logic to it. Keep cutting out what I don't really want to eat, and make every calorie count.

It didn't last

I guess that low weight was just a blip, I must be have been dehydrated or something, since I immediately shot up to 9-3 the next day.

And struggling to stay there. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, but I am beginning to creep up the scale again. Well, I know what I am doing wrong,but not that it is any different.

I guess the lighter I am the fewer calories I need to keep losing.

Dithering about dental treatment that can't be done till I've finished losing weight. Should I start it now?

Or am I realistically hoping to lose any more? Hmmm. Not sure of the answer

Hooray

Hit another milestone. I know it is probably temporary and I'll be two pounds heavier tomorrow, but for today, for the first time in donkeys years, I am under 9 stone.

EIGHT STONE TWELVE (.6) POUNDS

Woo hoo.

Cutting down on my snacking has helped, I'm still taking CD supplements once or twice a day. Got a rotten head cold too. But nothing is going to get me down today :-)))))

Feb 26th

Oops that last post was a bit of a whinge. I've made a more positive effort to cut down on snacking and nibbles and today I was nine stone 2.4 pounds this am.

Wow. Pleased, considering how all over the place I've been this month.

Haven't done any more exercise though. Maybe later today.

Exercise

Weight loss is dismal - ie I haven't lost an ounce. I go between 9 -6 on a bad day, 9 - 4 on a good, but have never hit 9-3 again. I am still obsessive about weighing myself.

I still hate how I look, how much I weigh, etc.

45 mins on Sat
55 mins on Mon
30 mins on Mon

on exercise bike.

It hurts my tailbone like mad. And altho it might tone my thighs, I serious doubt I'll lose any weight. Exercise class this week. Oh yeah, I have no great expectations of it; might take coffee with me to keep me awake. . . .

Valentine's Day

Well, two weeks later, I am a little further forward, I hope. I m around 9-4 most days, and got down to 9-3 the other day, which was the lowest I've been since I got married. Only another pound to go and I'll be the same weight I was when I got married.

It isnt' all plain sailing. In fact it isn't plain sailing a all. It has been quite miserable at times, I think my biggest worry just now is malnutrition - my diet is appalling sometimes and I need to take more vitamins more regularly.

Doc ran some blood tests to check my thyroid, and they've come b ack abnormal - as usual. . .

Not impressed

I guess I thought I'd be doing better by now, but I have since gotten up to 9-6point 8, then hovering around 9-5 and 9-5 point 8 which I was this morning.

I'm absolutely terrified of putting on weight. If I don't lose weight two weeks in a row, then I am in trouble. I feel like I am in trouble.

I need to lose a bit more weight.

My dentist wants to start some work, but won't start until I agree that my weight loss has stopped and that my weight will remain stable

I really really really want to lose another stone before I decide this is where I am happy to be. But weight is coming off so slowly - or not at all, in the last few weeks.

Back to basics
Back to basics
Back to basics

I know what I have to do, it is just doing it that is hard!

Had to post this

Had to post this picture.

But look at my ankles???? What do I do??

Do you think liposuction would work?

More reflections on the past

In 1999 I'd been dieting all my life. Can't remember when I first started using Slim Fast, but in 1999 I splashed out £18-99 on something called "Fat Magnets" - Chitosan.

I remember asking the very slim shop assistant if they worked and she just looked down her nose at me and said "I wouldn't know" with as much distaste as she could muster. I was 12 stone 6, BMI 27. Hardly disgustingly fat.

It didn't work.

About a year later and a stone heavier hit on the idea of eating prepacked (and not cheap!)Weightwathchers Ready Meals.

Didn't lose much weight

In May 2002, weight 194 pounds ( or 13 stone 12) I finally cracked and bought Xenical Online. Cost me a fortune (can't remember now, but they weren't cheap at all).

I remember the relief flooding over my whole body when I realised that I was finally going to be thin. The battle was finally over, it was not longer up to me or to will power. A lttle blue pill was going to fix it)

If only it were that simple. There are no easy ways to fight obesity.

WOW

I know I'll probably go up a little again, but today I was shocked and delighted to be NINE STONE FIVE (point 2) POOUNDS.

That is very very very light for me; and gets me with 3 lbs of the weight I was when I got married nearly 19 yrs ago.

No other diet or weight loss program has ever taken me near this. (Well I did get down to 9-3 15 yrs ago, but then I'd only got up to 11stone to start with at that point, and it didnt' last long) (checked my diary: on 6th April 1994 was down to 9 stone 6; not 9-3)

So I am now lighter than I was nearly 15 yrs ago

I thought I'd have gained weight cos my eating has not been great - pistachio nuts for protein; tortilla chips and dip cos I like it, lots and lots of water, and the odd glass of wine or bar of chocolate. Combined with a fair bit of food not staying down I guess

Not the healthy option.but worth it for the magic numbers on the scale.

Starting exercise next week; a little nervous; more than a lttle. Scared I'll collapse through being so unfit, or faint cos I have low blood pressure. And irrationally that I'll put on weight cos muscle weighs more than fat; though I doubt I can gain that much muscle. And that I'll be hungrier after exercise and therefore eat more and gain weight.

It is just hard to believe that I am actually this thin. . .

Update

My laptop is playing up - the touch pad is not working and my "old" mouse (which was a new improved version) isn't working either. But I pinched a mouse from one of the kids' PCs and here I am

Since I last posted my weight went up to 9-10.8, then down again last night (yay!) to 9-7.6, so I am slowly moving down. Not sure that I'll lose much this month, but every little helps.

My restriction is mostly quite good. Or bad, I mean severe. I don't often go out so I am usually at home and pbing doesn't mean too much, it's not a big deal.

Went away for the night to a friend's house, and realised how often I need to be careful or I *would* pb. Thankfully she knows about my op and didn't worry when I excused myself to the bathroom once or twice. But I didn't manage to eat a lot while I was there.

Makes me realise that if I kept off snacks and grazing (she's a three meals day and no snacks type) I'd lose weight a lot more quickly.

I'm pleased how much weight I've lost, but no idea how much weight I'd like to lose eventually. I also have no idea how I am going to cope with getting to the maintenance stage of a gastric band.

And I know I have to up my exercise a lot.

Woo Hoooooo!

This morning, no clothes on, I was nine stone nine point four pounds. That is lighter than I've been for years and years and years.

Seems like another psychological barrier has gone, getting below 9-1o/9-11, both which seemed to me like I was about to shoot up to ten stone again any minute.

I know from past experience it is two steps forward, one back; so maybe tomorrow I'll be 9-10 or 9-11 again, but I hope I am slowly inching my way towards goal.

Excited? Yes. I am irrationally thrilled at losing a few ounces. Which is all it is really, a pound is only 16 ounces. But it means a lot to me to be 135+ pounds.

Wow, better than 212 which is the highest I think I got to. (15 stone 3)

I love my gastric band :-))))))))))))))

A picture

Taken at night. Nine stone 12 point 4 pounds. ( 138.4lbs) (62.5kg)

Maybe tomorrow morning it will be better

But don't I have such horribly fat ankles? (:-((( )

BMI 22.1

I still feel fat. I still am fat.

Dec 27th

I am a couple of days overdue in posting this, but with it being the holidays etc, lots of food and cooking and children and work, I've not had a chance.

This morning I was 9 stone 13 (in fact if I did my best to wobble to one side slightly and breathed out I could get down to 9 stone 12.8, but I think I pretty much am 9-13.

Which is good, since altho I hit 9-13 about ten days ago I instantly went up to 10-01 or 10 stone, I hope this is me fixed at 9-13 for the time being. Until I get lighter of course.

Huh, if it only it were that simple. I feel fairly dispirited sometimes since I do overeat, and even when I don't, I still want to, and if I do, I suffer (stomach hurts right now - I didn't chew something properly, and it won't come up or go down. Just stuck and sore right now. Should go down - or come up - eventually. Serves me right. I should know better by now)

Nearly Jan 1st - hope I've lost five pounds at least this month, that is the statistical average for a bandster with good restriction, but it does depend on how much chocolate and junk one eats.

Been trying to work out why losing weight is easier some days than others. Saturdays are normally my worst days - we have a lot of junk food to eat (it's our junk food day :-) and I tend to graze and eat too much and then pb too much.

Sundays are always good days cos I stick to fluids, pretty much all day, cos my stomach hurts from Saturday. Then the rest of the week can be good or bad, depending.

I tend not to eat at all in the mornings or much in the afternoons, but come the evenings I can eat for England. And often do. Is it boredom? Habit? or real hnger? I dont' yet know, but I hope to work out.

Updating

Trying to follow the example of some other lap band patients, I should update once a week.

Today I didn't weigh myself. Didn't want to, cos I've felt really bloated and haven't been to the loo for a day or two (on going issues, never been regular) and I knew I'd be heavier, so didn't.

(Anyway I like to weigh myself naked in the mornings and it has been so cold lately I didn't want to get completely undressed in one go - you know, you whip off your jama bottoms, into tights, leggings and a thick skirt; then brace yourself to bare your chest for a moment before three more layers of clothes go on - I have baths/showers at night, but won't weigh myself then in case I am heavier)

I am always heavier at night, is everyone?

Last weigh in I was 140.1 lbs. I was annoyed cos two days before I had been 139.4 lbs and didn't feel I'd had a particularly bad two days.

So all in all, no weigh in today.

Tomorrow? Maybe? Is Friday ever a good day for a weigh in?

I haven't eaten too much today - cup a soup x 2, Cambridge Diet x 2 and tortilla chips and dip x not too many. Also a couple of cups of coffee in the morning.

Really pleased cos I've hardly pb'd at all today - once this morning when drinking coffee - I am v tight in the mornings and have sip sip sip slowly slowly slowy; and again when making dh's supper I grabbed some slow cooked chicken (knowing I shouldn't) and bleugh, up it came 30 seconds later.

Will try to update more often

H x xx

Statistics

These are from the forum:

1st July 12.4
1st August 12.2 (lost 2lbs)
1st September 11.8 (lost 8lbs)
1st October 11.1 (lost 7lbs)
1st November 10.8 (lost 7lbs)

**1st December 10.4** (lost 4lbs)

Last fill in June, but in August and Sept I was on the Cambridge Diet; hence the weight loss. Need to get back on track.



Can you see the pattern when myband is loose

CHERITH

Hi, sorry didn't see your comment till now. My experience has been that a tight fill usually loosens over the first week or so. I wouldn't rush into a defill so long as you can get fluids down. I know some people can't and do need to go to ER/ A&E, but time sorts most tight bands out.

By now I hope you are more comfortable.

http://www.wlsinfo.org.uk/forums/index.php gives lots of support and advice. There is another support group at
http://www.obesity-solutions.co.uk/forum/

Hope all works out, do you have a blog (couldn't access your profile)

Love
H x x x

Another update

December 12th here. Two more days till my oppiversary. And today I was 141.2 pounds. So I am slowly losing weight. But it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I really am not able to eat much proper food.

In the mornings I can hardly get hot water down, or coffee or slimfast. Not really. Very hot water in sips. During the day I don't get much down, but in the evenings I can snack or maybe eat very soft fish or pasta.

But judging by the scales, most of what goes into my mouth doesn't get into my digestive system. So is that a good thing?

Yes cos I am lighter, much lighter, than a year ago. But I do wonder how healthy I am. I'm anemic, pale and tired, and a lot of food issues still bugging me.

I wish I could be a normal person with normal eating habits, three meals a day, five a day fruit and veg, lots of exercise, etc. etc.

But I am not. I am who and what I am. But at least I am a lot thinner than I used to be. And that matters to me.

But where will I be in a year's time?

Slowdown

Since last post (more than 2 wks) I;ve not really lost any weight, in fact I hover around between 144 and 146 then back to 144 lbs again. I am not sure why this is, maybe because it is cold and miserable and I am comfort eating.

Or because inside I feel that 10 stone 4 is an acceptable weight, so have mentally taken the brakes off and am eating too much. Not too much at one time, the band makes sure of that, but too much too often of the wrong food and I'll be back up to 15 stone before I know it.

So I am looking forward to a fill. The immediate tightness for the first few weeks after a fill means that I become much more aware of everything I try to put in my stomach. Hopefully it will be a deterrent to nibbling on all the seasonal goodies around just now.

I can't believe it

Ten stone four pounds.

One more pound and I will have lost five stone from my highest pre op weight. Wow. I still don't feel particularly thin, in fact I amn't particularly thin. Just a lot thinner than I was.

Another week gone

I got down to 10 stone 7 during the week, but haven't weighed in the last couple of days, cos I fear I've put some weight on: have been eating too much. Gave my stomach a rest on Sunday and just had hot drinks (easier to do when we have a quiet day at home)