Another strange thing

I have lost weight. Hard to tell how much cos the pre op starvation diet made me artificially light. . .but whatever way you put it, I am now 12 stone 5 ( 5ft 7)

BUT I still feel obese. I still wear the same clothes; they aren't too loose. I don't think I have even dropped a dress size.

Pre op weight (very low for me) was 14 stone 4 - according to CDBs scales. My "real life" weight was more like 14-11. Now I am 12-5 and yet I still wear the same clothes. Where has this mythical 2 stone loss come from? Maybe my bone marrow or something.

But my body size is pretty much the same. Weird and hard to cope with.

Did it again :-(

I had a fill booked in London, not with CDB my original surgeon, and woke up this morning feeling dire - could hardly walk, was pretty sure I couldnt get into central London; so cancelled the fill.

My stomach goes kind of up and down, some times I eat more than others.

Today I ate three (maybe 2.5) crackerbreads with Brie at about 11am; nothing but water till 5pm when I tried to eat some Chinese takeaway and pb'd 90% of it.

I later (7pm) tried to eat some slow cooked lamb ( and pb'd 130% of it immediately).

Don't feel hungry and have been sipping fruit juice since 5pm; but feel "deprived"

I am not really sure why I cancelled the fill; think I am scared of doctors (actually that isn't true; I KNOW I AM TERRIFIED of doctors); so I guess I will only be able to see CDB for fills. Weird kind of. But that's how I am

Ketosis

The Cambridge Diet (if you look up their forum) make a big thing about your body going into ketosis (which means in ordinary language that I'm burning fat for energy). They say it kicks in 4 - 10 days after starting living on 438 cals a day in the form of milk shake drinks.

I never did reach ketosis with the CD,but according to the ketostix I bought to check, I am definitely in ketosis now. But maybe that is this virus and lack of fluids.

Drink drink drink is my motto for this weekend

The biggest benefit of the band

The biggest benefit of the band is that no matter how rotten/depressed/isolated etc I feel, I can't blow my diet. I can't escape. I am trapped on the "straight and narrow".

So often in the last few weeks I'd have thought "stuff this, it is just another gimmick that doesn't work" - but short of getting a complete defill, I can't "stuff it" (or stuff my face for that matter)

I have to keep plodding on; eating what I can, pbing what I can' swallow, and getting slowly and very unwillingly used to the rules of eating slowly and little.

I am a natural rebel/rule breaker, it is kind of humbling to be dragged back into line, whether I like or not.

But the plus side I hope is that even if it is slow, weight will keep coming off. So long as I drink enought water

Feels like ages since I updated and it's been a really stressful time.

My dad has heart failure and was hosptialised then mom was having tests cos of unexplained weight loss for ovarian and colon cancer; and I had a major incident (TMI be warned) with constipation which left me in agony and bleeding and scared to go near a bathroom except to briefly empty my bladder

Added to that, dh has been off work sick - and he's never off work sick, and it is a and added stress having him to care for as as well as myself, and then to add insult to injury I got the same virus he has and am feeling rotten

Have managed to get the blog open to the public again, had to make sure dd wasnt' reading it, but she's not (I get a report on her pc activity once a week).

I went thru a patch (prob stress and over tight band) of eating non stop and pbing immediately. Thankfully that has eased off and I'm not eating half as much, tho more of it is is prob staying down.

Since I have a flu type virus I have done very little these past few days, need to keep drinking fluids, since I am likely to get dehydrated. But at least I am no longer pbing 150 times a day!

LOST SOME WEIGHT

Hard to tell what is going on, since i m pretty sick after anything I eat. I don't mindbeing sick, it is better than being fat :-) and I have even had fish and chips (a few) once.

Scared I'll scupper my band with diet coke - even tho it is flat; and scared that since I got down to 12-12 I am psychologically trying not to lose any more, even tho I want to.