Saturday, 30 October 2010

A year ago

Just looked back; a year ago I was 10 - 14 pounds lighter

I have gone back to the old pre banding regime of gaining about a pound a month, a stone a yr, and am working my way back to morbid obesity. . . .

Why? How?

No easy answers. I hate myself.
And it is not going well nor easy. I seem to have a choice - total restriction/fluids only/occasional sloppies/no real food/lots of high cal garbage


eat everything in sight

Either way, I'm gaining weight. Horribly. Terrifiyingly.

I am finding the regain/failure journey very hard. I look terrible in pictures; my clothes don't fit/are bursting/can't be tied

I'm getting fat. Again. For the thousandth time in my life, a weight loss method has failed me

I can't get the "sweet spot" where you can eat a little of most things, are never hungry and lose weight.

I can eat either nothing or everything and yes, I am having 0.25 mil adjustments.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Fills and unfills

I wasn't going to update this, but in order to keep a record of my band life, I wanted to say that I had one mil taken out on Sept 17, weighing 10 stone 4; I felt that I was eating junk cos I couldn't eat food, and gaining weight like mad.

And I had 1.25 put back in today, 4 wks later, weighing 10 stone 8.

I am glad to have the restriction back. I've not been pbing so much the last month, just eating and keeping it down and gaining weight.

Not sure my band is tight enough. I drank the cup of water without and problems. I think I prob have dilation, but Dr M said no, he didn't think so. He was vague about the symptoms, he doesn't listen v much. Or maybe I don't talk much, maybe I should have talked more about what is happening, how I feel, etc, instead of walking in with my mind already made about what I want.

Band is ok; but not great. And if I keep re gaining, I'll soon be back where I started.

I used to panic if I got over nine stone. Then I was happy so long as I stayed under 9 - 7; then being in the nines with single figures was ok; then being nine something was ok. . .

Today, and for the last few weeks, I've been dreading hitting 11:00. I can cope (huh!) with being 10-09; 10-12 even.

But I really want to get rid of the extra 28 pounds. All the extra weight is around my tummy area, I look like I'm 5 months pg :-(

I tried getting a defill to see if I'd eat better and be healthier; instead I just got fatter.

So now, I've had a fill, to see if I'd eat less. I have no delusions about eating better or healthier, except maybe I'll start using the Cambridge Diet type drinks instead of real food. But my band is not tight enough for that. Hmmm, should I call the doc and ask to see him tomorrow? Ask for another 0.25ml?

I'm tempted. But I guess I won't. Not this month.