Thursday, 20 March 2008


My restriction has eased off a bit, but I am still eating too much and being sick too much.

DH who was very keen on my having the op, and even keener on it working fast, told me last night that he doesn't think it is going to work; all it has done is depressed me more.

Yes I am depressed,but my GP believes in depression as much as obesity so there is no point in even mentioning it to him.

I am still eating too much, and being sick all the time. Everyone says to confront the head issues which make me overeat. But what do you do when you are faced with the unchangeable? Maybe I am overeating because there are aspects of my life that I am unhappy with, what can I do when I can't change them?

I can't turn the clock back ten years and re make or undo some decisions I made then. I see no way forward, or way out. WLS was just another "gimmick diet" for me, I guess.

Friday, 14 March 2008

Difficult week

It has been a long, tiring and difficult week.

Despite wls, real life keeps going and doesn't care about me and my band, lol. So I have to try to balance the two.

Big problem re my band is that I really can't eat much except soft cheese, soft crackers, soup and fluids.

My head, on the other hand, likes to keep trying, and I do eat other food, and I am repeatedly sick.

To put this in context (not sure if I've said this already. . ) I have had a lot of pregnancy sickness in the last 15 yrs - being sick 10 - 20 times an hour was normal for me; I had to be taken to hospital for rehydration on occasions; but "momy being sick" has been a major part of my life.

So if I eat food that doesn't go down, and then have to rush off to be sick. . . no one really blinks. Mommy has always vomitted now and again.

There is no social pressure on me to keep food down, so I give in to temptation to eat food that I know won't get passed my band; and if I am sick, no big deal, no one blinks or hardly notices.

I realise that this is not a long term option.

(a) I either get a small unfill so that I can actually keep some real food down and feel full
(b) I *mentally* accept the restrictions that the band has placed me under, and keep to a diet of digestible food - crackers, cheese, soup and fluids - and that is probably going to need some "shrink work" or
(c) I get the band removed and go back to a lifetime of fighting food and dieting.

Time is a great prophet. I don't think I'd do (c) yet - but if the vomitting continues the way it has been, I will have to consider it. I have GERD and a repaired (tho I don't know how long the repair will work) hiatus hernia; and long history of excessive pregnancy vomitting (often bringing up blood by the sink-full); and I if I carry on being sick every day, I am risking my life - eventually major blood vessels in my throat/oesophagus could rupture.

Wls sickness is much easier than pregnancy sickness - no (or very little) stomach acid; and no nausea.

Sorry if this grosses you out, but it's almost like I eat food (not from hunger - from stress triggers) by chewing it, then a few moments later spitting it out.

This isn't really about losing weight, is it? It is about my relationship with food.

Monday, 10 March 2008

Slightly brighter

The last couple of days all I've had to eat is cambridge diet sachets during the day, and a fish pie type ready meal in the evenings. I am not drinking anywhere near enough water, though. But at least I'm not sick, and feel relatively normal compared to last week.

And I've lost 2 more pounds, tho maybe that is just dehydration :- (

Friday, 7 March 2008


I've not posted recently cos there has been nothing to say, or at least nothing good : -(
I cancelled my fill, I am pretty sure it was the right thing to do; in fact I am not sure if I need an unfill.

This week I've been trying to eat the "normal" sort of tight restriction bandster foods, but most food I've put in my mouth has ended up in a bin. I'm starving, I eat a little, I get sick; I am starving I eat more, i get sicker - very painful and frustrating.

I have also - for no apparent reason - started the most terrible heartburn. Pre op I got gastric reflux a bit, since I had a hiatus hernia, but diet controlled it mostly, tho I have losec to take if I need it. Losec isn't touching this pain, which seems to stay with me for 3 hrs after I eat anything, which effectively means all day.

Emailed CDB and he suggested asking my GP for nexium instead, failing which to get an xray or a gastroscopy (which I assume means an endoscopy) done. Hmmm. Not really the answer I was looking for. He didn't suggest an unfill.

I just wonder if a bit less restriction would let me get some proper food in, then I'd feel full and eat less (as it is I'm permanently hungry and thirsty, but don't seem to get any relief from either for very long

I need to get an emotional grip on myself and STOP eating foods that come straight back up. there isn't any point and it can't be good for me or my band.

It's been a stressful week; we were meant to have someone round for dinner for the first time this evening so spent ages getting a meal organised, the house tidied, etc; only for them to cancel with half an hour to go.

Rude, but I was thankful. I don't feel mentally strong enough for new people right now.

OH is being very understanding and I'm going to have an early night on my own, see if the rest helps me relax a bit and therefore eat more.