Tuesday, 30 December 2008

A picture

Taken at night. Nine stone 12 point 4 pounds. ( 138.4lbs) (62.5kg)

Maybe tomorrow morning it will be better

But don't I have such horribly fat ankles? (:-((( )

BMI 22.1

I still feel fat. I still am fat.

Saturday, 27 December 2008

Dec 27th

I am a couple of days overdue in posting this, but with it being the holidays etc, lots of food and cooking and children and work, I've not had a chance.
This morning I was 9 stone 13 (in fact if I did my best to wobble to one side slightly and breathed out I could get down to 9 stone 12.8, but I think I pretty much am 9-13.
Which is good, since altho I hit 9-13 about ten days ago I instantly went up to 10-01 or 10 stone, I hope this is me fixed at 9-13 for the time being. Until I get lighter of course.
Huh, if it only it were that simple. I feel fairly dispirited sometimes since I do overeat, and even when I don't, I still want to, and if I do, I suffer (stomach hurts right now - I didn't chew something properly, and it won't come up or go down. Just stuck and sore right now. Should go down - or come up - eventually. Serves me right. I should know better by now)
Nearly Jan 1st - hope I've lost five pounds at least this month, that is the statistical average for a bandster with good restriction, but it does depend on how much chocolate and junk one eats.
Been trying to work out why losing weight is easier some days than others. Saturdays are normally my worst days - we have a lot of junk food to eat (it's our junk food day :-) and I tend to graze and eat too much and then pb too much.
Sundays are always good days cos I stick to fluids, pretty much all day, cos my stomach hurts from Saturday. Then the rest of the week can be good or bad, depending.
I tend not to eat at all in the mornings or much in the afternoons, but come the evenings I can eat for England. And often do. Is it boredom? Habit? or real hnger? I dont' yet know, but I hope to work out.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Updating

Trying to follow the example of some other lap band patients, I should update once a week.
Today I didn't weigh myself. Didn't want to, cos I've felt really bloated and haven't been to the loo for a day or two (on going issues, never been regular) and I knew I'd be heavier, so didn't.
(Anyway I like to weigh myself naked in the mornings and it has been so cold lately I didn't want to get completely undressed in one go - you know, you whip off your jama bottoms, into tights, leggings and a thick skirt; then brace yourself to bare your chest for a moment before three more layers of clothes go on - I have baths/showers at night, but won't weigh myself then in case I am heavier)
I am always heavier at night, is everyone?
Last weigh in I was 140.1 lbs. I was annoyed cos two days before I had been 139.4 lbs and didn't feel I'd had a particularly bad two days.
So all in all, no weigh in today.
Tomorrow? Maybe? Is Friday ever a good day for a weigh in?
I haven't eaten too much today - cup a soup x 2, Cambridge Diet x 2 and tortilla chips and dip x not too many. Also a couple of cups of coffee in the morning.
Really pleased cos I've hardly pb'd at all today - once this morning when drinking coffee - I am v tight in the mornings and have sip sip sip slowly slowly slowy; and again when making dh's supper I grabbed some slow cooked chicken (knowing I shouldn't) and bleugh, up it came 30 seconds later.
Will try to update more often
H x xx

Friday, 12 December 2008

Statistics

These are from the forum:

1st July 12.4
1st August 12.2 (lost 2lbs)
1st September 11.8 (lost 8lbs)
1st October 11.1 (lost 7lbs)
1st November 10.8 (lost 7lbs)

**1st December 10.4** (lost 4lbs)


Last fill in June, but in August and Sept I was on the Cambridge Diet; hence the weight loss. Need to get back on track.



Can you see the pattern when myband is loose

CHERITH

Hi, sorry didn't see your comment till now. My experience has been that a tight fill usually loosens over the first week or so. I wouldn't rush into a defill so long as you can get fluids down. I know some people can't and do need to go to ER/ A&E, but time sorts most tight bands out.

By now I hope you are more comfortable.

http://www.wlsinfo.org.uk/forums/index.php gives lots of support and advice. There is another support group at
http://www.obesity-solutions.co.uk/forum/

Hope all works out, do you have a blog (couldn't access your profile)

Love
H x x x

Another update

December 12th here. Two more days till my oppiversary. And today I was 141.2 pounds. So I am slowly losing weight. But it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I really am not able to eat much proper food.

In the mornings I can hardly get hot water down, or coffee or slimfast. Not really. Very hot water in sips. During the day I don't get much down, but in the evenings I can snack or maybe eat very soft fish or pasta.

But judging by the scales, most of what goes into my mouth doesn't get into my digestive system. So is that a good thing?

Yes cos I am lighter, much lighter, than a year ago. But I do wonder how healthy I am. I'm anemic, pale and tired, and a lot of food issues still bugging me.

I wish I could be a normal person with normal eating habits, three meals a day, five a day fruit and veg, lots of exercise, etc. etc.

But I am not. I am who and what I am. But at least I am a lot thinner than I used to be. And that matters to me.

But where will I be in a year's time?

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Slowdown

Since last post (more than 2 wks) I;ve not really lost any weight, in fact I hover around between 144 and 146 then back to 144 lbs again. I am not sure why this is, maybe because it is cold and miserable and I am comfort eating.
Or because inside I feel that 10 stone 4 is an acceptable weight, so have mentally taken the brakes off and am eating too much. Not too much at one time, the band makes sure of that, but too much too often of the wrong food and I'll be back up to 15 stone before I know it.
So I am looking forward to a fill. The immediate tightness for the first few weeks after a fill means that I become much more aware of everything I try to put in my stomach. Hopefully it will be a deterrent to nibbling on all the seasonal goodies around just now.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

I can't believe it

Ten stone four pounds.

One more pound and I will have lost five stone from my highest pre op weight. Wow. I still don't feel particularly thin, in fact I amn't particularly thin. Just a lot thinner than I was.

Monday, 10 November 2008

Another week gone

I got down to 10 stone 7 during the week, but haven't weighed in the last couple of days, cos I fear I've put some weight on: have been eating too much. Gave my stomach a rest on Sunday and just had hot drinks (easier to do when we have a quiet day at home)

Friday, 31 October 2008

Update

Haven't written in ages since I have been away (in New York, no less) for two weeks, and didn't manage to weigh myself once the whole time.

The day I left I'd gone up to 11stone again (have been fluctuating around 10-12 to 11 for a while), but wasn't too bothered. At least I wasn't *fat* going on holiday, well, not that fat.

Enjoyed the trip, mostly, tho Americans (apologies for the generalisation) seem to eat a lot. There are fast food places everywhere and a lot of very very obese people around. Portion sizes are lot bigger and food is cheaper, more plentiful and more attractive.

So it is just as well I have a gastric band. My band is loser than it's been in a while, I need to get it tightened; but even so, it helped a lot, self control wouldn't have worked on its own.

I was a bit aware of being annoyed that I couldn't tuck into big portions (or any portion at all, depending on the food) at times, but life should be about more than food, and I tried to focus on other things.

I was probably more active than I am at home too, going out and about almost every day for 14 days, compared to being home a lot here.

I couldn't weigh myself, but I could tell by my clothes that I hadn't put on (much) weight (it always goes on round my tummy first, and my skirts get tight), but when I weighed myself back home today I was delighted to see I am down to 10 stone 10. So I lost 4 pounds in two weeks, despite all the food, full-cream coffee and cookies, etc I ate.

Now I need to think about my next fill; and think about the "comfort" or "boredom" eating that I have been doing at home for the past 30 yrs. . . .

Friday, 10 October 2008

Another pound down

Yes, another pound off. Sounds silly that it makes me so excited, but I am now 10 stone 12.2 pounds (or 152.2 lbs)

All the way from 15-3 (or 14-8 day of operation).

Weight loss so far: 60 pounds in total

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Defamation and the media

My surgeon, Chris De Bruynne was trashed in today's BBC news. I only saw it on line, was too upset to watch it on TV

I trusted this guy with my money and my life, and he has saved me both. I'd trust him again any time with my life; and I feel heartily sick that he's been portrayed the way he has.

Ok, to be fair, I've never found him particularly personable, jokey or easy going. He comes across as a rather solemn/serious family oriented surgeon who believes that obesity is an illness he can help cure.

He has NEVER tried to make lots of money out of me, or take lots of money from me (unlike a few other WLS providers). He isn't maybe great company; but he IS a great surgeon; and I totally believe he believes in what he does

I feel sick sick sick that the British media try to portray him this way. May he never know or care. And may God protect him. No decent doctor deserves this media-attack. And he is a decent doctor, even if English is only his third language; and maybe he isn't a great "people person"

Who cares? I wanted and got, a caring and competent surgeon; and one who went well beyond the call of duty when I developed complications. And who "absorbed the extra costs" (ie I was never charged for the emergency theatre team, the blood transfusion, the extra night in hospital. He was. He never asked me for a cent/dime/penny)

Monday, 6 October 2008

I did it!!!!!

I am finally under 11 stone

10 stone 13.8 pounds as of this morning.

It felt weirdly wonderfully strange to be under 11 stone. I can't remember when I was last that weight (4 yrs ago I got down to about 11 - 5ish briefly - yet another mad crash diet); but under 11?

Probably at least ten yrs.

I'm scared I'll put it all back on. Very very scared, since I have been a yo yo dieter all my life, since I was about 13 yrs old (neary 30 yrs ago)

This has been the longest time I've ever kept on losing. OK I had a blip in the summer when I had to have a defill and regained weight (around a stone or a bit less),but other than that I've been slowly (very slowly sometimes) battling away and chipping away at this excess weight.

Maybe one day I'll be thin. But for now, I'll settle for being thinner than I was.

Funny how half a pound can make me feel so GOOOOOOD. I guess it's a case of breaking another psychological barrier.

I'll tell you now, I can't imagine ever being under ten stone. Under eleven is pretty good. Under ten is beyond belief. (Good to have a goal in mind)
****
I am off on two weeks holiday to the USA soon. I do wonder how I will do, esp since my band is relatively loose; and there will be sooooo much food around. I'm scared I'll regain a lot; but I will be on guard, I hope.

And my band should provide a safety net/brake for my natural habits (which are to eat, eat and over eat)

Friday, 3 October 2008

Slimming magazines

I picked a slimming magazine up at the checkout a week ago. It has sat, un-read, in my intray until now.

Reading it, I feel like yelling "weight loss surgery!!!" at the top of my voice. People (women) write in, morbidly obese, dieting for the 27th time, having lost 3 stone but still having 10 stone to go; having lost 3 stone then regained four; having battled weight since the age of six, etc

It is sad. Sad that obesity isn't seen as an illness, and instead is seen as a lack of character, personality defect, personal failing, or just proof that some of us are "born plain greedy" (as my mother in law once said about me :-( )

I really wish these magazines would stop peddalling "fat block" pills or "appetite depressants" - which have absolutely no medical or scientific value. The adds pages are full of such nonsense.

Yes, the magazine has the usual "inspiring articles" about how Ms SoandSo lost x stone on the blue and red diet" while "Mrs SuchandSuch lost x stone on the green and yellow diet".

No long term follow up. And I bet very few long term losers (I mean winners)

I used to read these magazines almost daily, somehow believing that if I could and would only make the effort, then I too could lose two pounds a week and reach weight loss heaven in however long it might take.

Plenty organisations ready to take my money . . . and I really believed that diets and self control were the way forward.

Well, yes, diet and self control IS the way forward. But not the only way. Thank GOD for weight loss surgery. And for organisations that help promote WLS and promote information (esp WLS Info Forums)

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

End of the month

Well, another month has come and gone. Only 2.5 months till I hit my 2bandiversary" - December 14th. I certainly don't regret having it done but it has changed my eating habits substantially.

My band has for some unknown reason, loosened since I last posted, so that I am able to eat a bit more. I'm still no good at eating real food; can't stop when I am full, so am still trying to avoid food as mch as possible.

The Cambridge Diet is keeping me going nutrition wise and I am slowly losing more weight. I've also started gentle exercise, using my exercise bike for about half an hour a day when watching TV. But I do find it exhausting.

This morning I was 154.8 pounds. Only 0.9 of a pound to go and I'll be uder 11 stone :-))))

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Good question

Thanks for the comments.

Good question: why am I in such a rush to lose weight? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe because I don't believe that real life will ever allow me to be thin; only crash diets, food deprivation etc. I am scared of being myself, eating what I want etc, cos I know where that has got me over the last 20 yrs.

Lots to think about

Saturday, 20 September 2008

Another post Sept 20th

Not sure that last post (not the liver one) was v coherent, I was trying to write it with my kids milling around and I didn't get a chance to concentrate.

Briefly; I am glad I am losing weight.

But I am only losing weight because food has become virtually a non-issue in my life. I now love watching food programmes, but I only watch them in the abstract; I know I can't eat food; so there is no point in craving it.

I do snack now and again, but never very much or it comes back up

I've managed to stop eating to the point of being sick, most of the time; that means in effect I can't eat meat, fish, eggs, or vegetables (not to mention cakes, biscuits, pies). I can manage tiny amounts of nuts or ice cream or crisps. But I really amn't eating food.

I'm surviving on CDiet and cup a soup,and occasional white wine.

The weight loss is great; but what am I going to do when real life kicks in again. Is this just the ultimate in crash dieting? I don't trust myself for a minute; if my band was loosened I'd overeat immediately.

I miss the comfort of food, and am trying to work ways round it that don't involve alcohol or salty snacks like bombay mix or crisps. (even tho I only eat small amounts, these are high calorie foods)

Tho I make meals for the family I never join in. This way of life can't last for ever.

So is my band working? Yes for weight loss. But no for normality. I never thought it would make me like this. I am scared that if my BMI gets below 25 I won't be able to use the Cambridge Diet any more - then what will I do for nutrients?

Yes I am losing weight; but my hopes of retraining my habits to eat small healthy meals are out the window. So far.

I would like to lose another 3 stone. I should manage it by Christmas if I don't get my band loosened; and so long as I keep off snacks and wine.

Am I glad I had the band? Yes yes and yes. Today I did a wardrobe clear out and got rid of big baggy size 22 tops and skirts. And I fitted in again to clothes I nevr thought I would.

My 17 yr old son said rather surprisedly to me "you really have lost weight . . ." (I was flattered he noticed).

Another thing: I really am not that hungry most of the time. I think the CD has me in ketosis, where you get more energy and less hungry. But a couple of glasses of wine and I do like to nibble. But I can't nibble too much.

I feel like the "bandster rules" about chewing slowly, not eating with food, stopping when I am full, etc, don't really apply to me, since I don't eat food.

Where will it all end? I dunno. But I am happy for now. But a the same time I think this experience/my journey has been very different from any I've ever read.

{edited to say: to lose 3 stone by Christmas I'd have to lose 3lbs a week. That ought to be possible,but watch this space for me falling by the wayside and upping my liquid calories and high cal snacks. Noooo! I don't want to do that.}

1282

Liver disease

Came across this recently and thought it was interesting, given how most obesity surgeons like us to try to shrink our livers pre op. Looks like we do our livers a great service by having ops and losing weight.

Obesity is now the major cause of liver disease

Update

Didn't realise I hadn't updated for so long. As far as weight goes I am going in the right direction. Last weight was 8th September, 11 stone 6. Now, Sept 20th, I am 11-2.



So yes, in a way my band is working. But on the other hand I m not really eating any food. I am very thankful for the CD, since at least I know I'm not getting malnourished. When I say I am not eating, I mean I don't have meals. I never sit at the table to eat. I do snack off and on - crisps like Pringles or Doritos I can manage, along with dip, soft cheese, and sometimes chocolate. And cup a soups.



But it is ages since I tried to eat a meal - and there is no way I'd cope in a social situation where I had to eat a full scale plate of food.



I'm really glad I'm losing weight, but I do realise that altho I may have lost weight, I have NOT lost my weight problem.



I simply can't do comfort eating, so I have to be careful not to switch to comfort drinking instead; too many calories in white wine. I've taken up watching food shows on TV; that is seriously funny. I never was very interested in cooking previous to my band, I snacked a lot, ate a lot of bread, cheese, takeaways, but I was never a serious cook.

Now I watch food programmes avidly, all the time knowing I can't eat anything they show. Weird, huh?
And thanks for the comments

Monday, 1 September 2008

Still today

1st of September. I've lost 18kg since surgery. In 37+ weeks I've lost 39lbs.

Hmmm, hardly record breaking. But look on the bright side of things, at least I'm going the right way.

Is anyone out there?

Does anyone read this any more? Should I give up and make it a private blog? If you stop by, please comment :-)

UPDATE

I've been on the Cambridge Diet for the last few weeks. Not exclusively : - 0 I manage to add in enough extras to keep me from losing much weight.

I had a really good few days last week and thought I might have moved down from 11.11 or 11.12 which I was pretty much stuck at, but no joy. Went up to 11.13

That sort of news depresses me and I spent the weekend being a bit less careful. But this morning I was only 11.8 - JOY! I don't know how that happened, but I am glad it did. Maybe I was retaining fluid.

Onward and downward. I don't really know how much difference my band is making. I can eat little bits of everything and I do eat too much of little bits too often. But at least it stops me pigging out completely.

Doestn't seem fair that I have to have a band AND the Cambridge Diet in order to lose weight. But hey, I'd do anything to lose weight, so I'm glad I've been motivated enough.

I'm back to taking reductil too. Hmmm, that might explain the weight loss. Certainly explains the expenses :-/

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

On reflection

Things possibly aren't as bad as they seem :-) I have lost 5 - 7 lbs in the last month, and in the last couple of weeks have got my eating more under control. I just try not to think about real food and drink my slim fast or CD sachets.

I feel like I am constantly on a diet, but at least I am getting somewhere, compared to the nowhere I'd been for the last couple of yrs.

A band is not a magic wand. It's not even a magic band. But every little helps

Sorry if this blog sounds so whingey and depressed, I am trying to be honest with weight and how it affects my life.

But the days I move down 0.3 of a pound I feel quite positive.

I also found photos of me from this time last yr, and I was shocked at how fat I was (and I never keep the really awful fat pictures; I must have thought at the time I looked ok)

I definitely look better. I havent 'arrived, but hopefully I'll keep going in the right direction.

Slowly inching down

Well, I don't know about inches cos I don't measure. But I am slowly moving two steps down and one back up the scale. Lowest recently is 11.11, but today (after a very good day yesterday I was 11.13 - I think I probably didn't drink enough water)

Am on the Cambridge Diet most of the time since I can't eat real food hardly at all, and at least I'm getting nutrition down me. That's become more important since I noticed my hair is getting thin

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Swimming Pt2

The worst happened. I was playing around with my 9 r old and he or I knocked into another woman with a child (it couldn't have been a major splash cos I didn't notice) and she let of a mouthful of abuse at me.

I stared open mouthed, about to apologise (cos fat people always apologise, even when it's not their fault) and she yelled at me again; and beckoning to everyone around her said "she nearly ***** knocked me out".

Changed my mind about apologising, but got out of the water quickly because I didn't want to respond. I was pretty upset, all par for the course right now. Low self esteem and overweight and nasty people aren't a good combination.

Swimming

I've agreed to go swimming with dh and the kids this afternoon. What have I done? Admittedly I have a specially imported-from-Australia sun protection swim suit which covers me from elbows to knees; so I don't look tooooo awful.

But I look about 5 months pregnant; and won't be doing any swimming, just standing around in the baby pool with the little boys while everyone looks at me.

Oh well, what is the worst that can happen?? (I meet someone I know??)

Saturday, 2 August 2008

More of the same

Havent' posted in ages. Shame on me. Not losing weight Not gained any more, 12-3 to 12 -5 ish. I am eating garbage, and pbing like mad (if you ever want to scare anyone, eat beetroot b4 u pb, it comes back up looking like blood!)

Fill next week I think. Not sure it will help since I cna't basically eat any food without throwing up and am putting weight on cos I drink too much calorific fluids.

This will be the first UK fill - would go to Belgium (I love getting away) but my passport is being renewed at the Passport and Identity service

Monday, 28 July 2008

not sure

Not sure what is going on. Slept all day yesterday and this morning was 12-1.8; but is that simply because I am dehydrated from not eating or drinking all day

Saturday I ate quite a bit and was sick masses. So I probably am dehydrated. But 12. 2 is better than 12.6 or whatever I was the other day. Hmmm. Should start takin reductil/xencial again maybe.

Or get my jaw wired or stomach removed all together or sent to a third world prison. But even then I'd probably stay fat

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Why it isn't working

I can eat very little solid food. But I can drink soup and I do; and altho I hated it previously, I've started drinking banana flavoured milk. Both of which can be full of calories. I am not active, so I think in order to maintain weight I can eat max 800 cals a day. To lose weight I need a very low calorie diet. Or I could do more exercise, but I am permanently exhausted and depressed feeling, and just can't make the effort.

I knw 12.5 stone isn't the end of the world, but for me it feels disgusting.

Monday, 21 July 2008

Going backwards now

I have put on weight since my last fill - only 3 or 4 lbs but that is enough to totally depress me. I am not eating a lot of solid food, but the easy to swallow calories are getting to me. And I am not active enough either but I am tired and fat and depressed.

I've arranged a fill for next month, but I guess I can cancel it at the last minute. It doesn't seem the right thing to do, since I can basically not eat any real food, or anything that isn't liquid. So tightening my band is only going to stop more liquids going down, not food.

But maybe that is what I need.

And - nightmares - I have been persuaded against my will (long story) to go to the USA on holiday in the autumn, and I so do not want to be fat and ugly when I go. But the tickets are booked and the time is ticking away.

Where has my motivation gone?

There is a depresssing thread on the WLSInfo forum about how much weight people have lost with band, and I reckon I come bottom of the losers. That is, I have lost less weight than anyone has with a comparable time since their operation.

It didn't work. I know that part of the problem is that I am at home all day and can eat all day. If I was stuck with 3 meals a day I'd be great, but since I can eat a little constantly, I do, and am not going to get below 12.5.

I don't suppose they do jaw wiring any more. . and even if they did it wouldn't work for me.

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Dead slow stop

Getting nowhere. It is the summer now; the summer that last December when I had my op I thought I'd be into a size 14 and happy and healthy and coping and not sweating my life out when I moved.

Instead I am still fat.

6 + months after my banding, I am not losing much weight. I'm pretty much stalled between 12 and 12 and a half stone.

It's better than I was, but I've not reallly lost any weight since last fill. I don't have any real restriction, unless I gobble food down too fast, or forget to chew; I can eat most things.

Sometimes some of it comes back up, but mostly not. Mostly it just keeps going down. Some days I'm up a pound or two or others down a pound or two. But I ain't losing.

It's really affected my self esteem badly; since I have gained 8lbs from my lowest post op weight.

Just had my wedding anniversary and I'm massively horribley fatter than I was then. I can see dh wondering if it was worth the money.

For today, my band is useless. It stops me eating like a normal person, but still I manage to get enough calories down not to lose any weight. I know it is my own fault, like not being able to stick to a diet is my own fault too.

Was it worth it? I dunno. Not convinced. I still look and feel really fat and uncomfortable. I still don't remotely have normal eating habits.

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Fickle things, bands

Now Tuesday following my fill on Friday. Saturday I didn't eat much - soup, fish pie and more soup. Sunday was the same; Monday I tried to eat a bit more and ended up being quite sick quite a lot. So I really am not sure how much food stayed down.

Today I decided I'd wait as long as possible before eating in the morning (since I get up at 6am that isn't hard), so as to give my stomach a rest after being sick on Monday.

But at nearly midday I am not keeping water down, or at least not much of it. How peculiar, considering I was eating, fish, soup, pasta, etc earlier on.

My previous fills have started off tight then got looser; this one seems to have started off looser and got tight.

Hmmmm.

Maybe I don't need to see CDB next month after all.

Saturday, 21 June 2008

Update

This will be quick since it is late and I am v tired.

Got to Melsbroek, met someone from the WLSInfo forum in the waiting room and Dr Chris put 0.75 mils back in my band. He refused to give me the whole 1 cc back (whinge whinge) saying that I'd had inflamation round my band in May, which is why he took it out. He didn't remember and I didn't like to say, that that was because I'd been ill and vomitting (non WLS related).

(Campanille from a distance)

I got back to the Campanille and managed to eat most of a piece of grilled salmon, but definitely no rice. The restriction is back, tho prob not as much as it could be.

(Brussels Central Station)

He warned me I might have heartburn or coughing in the night - after watching the football (what an *amazing match* ) game between Turkey and Croatia, I went to bed and slept like a baby.

I had a cup a soup for breakfast and felt fine, so long as I drank it slowly, and during the day had another cup of soup and a bottle of water.

(English - or maybe Scottish - man playing bagpipes outside some impressive cathedral - complete with motor bike and statue!)
When I finally got home tonight, I tried some fish in cheese sauce, but really only ate the sauce - pb'd a little fish.
Have to say, my pb'ing is not like other people's - no pain at all, no feeling of choking or golf balls or horses sitting on my chest: I just burp quietly and spit into a napkin (I've done this in public and no one has noticed - or they've thought I was blowing my nose or sthg :-)

(Grand Place)

I had a good trip to Brussels and will post more photos next week, God willing.
but for now, I am tired and need to go to sleep.

The bad news from last night was that I had gained 4.5kg in 4 weeks. (10lbs in English).
Making my net loss at 27 weeks post op, 11kg.

Not remotely impressive. Am I the slowest looser ever to have a band?
I realise I need to look at this as a long haul weight reduction program; not a crash diet.

Hope my restriction holds - I've definitely been tighter than this, I can drink a cup of water no bother, and swallow pills (after previous fills I couldn't). I'm scared it will loosen up in the next week or so and I'll be back to gaining weight.
(Normally after fills I can only manage clear fluids for a week or so, then it loosens)

Interesting chat with the lady in the waiting room, who said that she had had a "sweet spot", had to have a defill for unrelated surgery, regained weight, and that her previous level of restriction was now too tight for her. Theory being once you have a defill, things don't go back to where they were before. . .

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Failure

Well, the CD doesn't work for me. Haven't updated this in ages cos since having 1 cc out of my band I've gained 7 or 8 pounds. I think I have stopped gaining now, but I am not sure - waaaahhh

It depresses me so much I just don't want to think about it and have been avoiding the scales like mad. And avoiding posting here.

My self esteem has taken a bit of a knocking, since clothes that were looking nice on me are now too tight again.

And today, to add insult to injury I went to the hairdresser. She totally and utterly messed up my hair, leaving me looking like a goth with white streaks (normally I have pale brown wavey sort of hair, not black and white stripes); I felt totally humilated by her,she didn't seem to listen to me or take any notice of what I said; and I nearly howled when I saw it when I got home.

I have straggly black hair now; with optional brown and grey patches where she missed. Help. How soon can I get to Boots and dye it back a normal colour? Or will it all fall out if I dye it twice in one week?

Might have to take to wearing a hat. This is no joke. Weight gain and a bad hair month?

Not fair.

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Cambridge Diet

I finally (after years of sort of trying it by buying it from friends or ebay) went to a CD counsellor and got a week's supply of the Cambridge Diet.

I am not sure that I will use it as a sole source, but it will hopefully help me sometimes to avoid more calorific choices. And nutritionally it should be better for me than Cadbury's Highlights or Cup a Soup.

I am scared to get on the scales.

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

The difference 1 mil makes

I am now far more able to eat than I was and scared stupid that I'll put on weight. Nothing seems too hard to eat if I eat it slowly; and I am a dreadful grazer.

I can't believe how different my stomach feels since he took the 1 mil out - it feels like I hardly have a band at all. Oh no oh no! It is going to be hard work - hard hard work to stop myself gaining weight while the inflamation goes down and I can have more fill put in.

More of Brussels

A group of people gathered round the tourist attraction "Mannekin Pis"
And this is the Grand Place - during the summer months, despite the rain - it poured on Saturday, various traders set out their stalls to attract tourists.

Part of one of the buildings is being renovated and is covered in posters:

And I really liked this: the spaces between the arches are painted, but give the impression that you are looking out into the countryside. Pretty clever

Eating again

That evening I was able to eat in the Campanille restaurant (I would never have tried before the de fill, since I'd be bound to be sick at some point) and altho it was a slow process - putting my fork down between bites, etc, I eventually managed half my dinner of grilled salmon and very nice it was too!


Next morning I tried to have breakfast but that didn't work at all - he had warned me to keep away from meat and bread for a while, and I suppose bacon and rubbery scrambled eggs weren't a very good choice. I couldnt' in the end even drink the coffee.


Gave up on that idea and went into Brussels for a touristy wander around. I had bought a guide book this time, which should have made it easier for me, but the way the Lower Town is laid out, you don't really need one.

Galleries St Hubert - the first shopping centre in Europe.

Off to Brussels again

Set off for Belgium on Friday - not really able to eat anything significant. I did buy a chicken and advocado sandwich, but was only able to scrape some of the advocado off and eat it, and even then ended up pbing in the Eurostar terminal (tidily into a plastic bag I'd brought along just in case)

Not good.

I was pretty stressed about getting to Chris de Bruyne since my train wasn't in till 5.30pm and he'd said he wasn't going to be around after 8pm.

By now I am fairly used to finding the train timetables and working out where the Vilvoorde train goes from, platform 20 at 6.07 or platform 17 at 5.52.





Managed to get to platform 7 for the 5.52 - I noticed the sun was shining. It hardly shines in Brussels - not for nothing a taxi driver once told me that Belgium is known as "the land of the hidden sun"


However, in true London form, the 5.52 never did turn up, and eventually there were a series of incomprehensible announcements and I moved rapidly to platform 20 to get the next train to Vilvoorde.
I arrived at the Campanille in time to order a taxi, freshen up a little and get off to Melsbroek to see CDB. I was quite nervous in the waiting room - which I've never been before - since I really didn't know if I needed a fill or a defill or what.
When I told him I'd been dehydrated and being sick, he immediately said he would take 1mil out and that I would need an xray.
The xray was quick and painless, and the stuff I had to swallow wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. He told me to drink it as fast as possible, so I just glugged it down and hoped it didn't all come back up! Thankfully it did not and he was able to see that altho my band was still in the correct position, and there was no damage to my oesophagus, there was swelling and inflammation round my band, so the 1mil he'd taken out has to stay out for now
He said I could have it back in in a month or so, but for now, to drink at least an extra litre of water each day or I'd end up with a UTI (bladder infection)
(He was right, I already had one)

Thursday, 15 May 2008

Fill tomorrow?

I feel a lot better than a did last week, and I am glad I saved the £150 I was going to pay last week going for an emergency de-fill.

I hope to see Dr Chris tomorrow evening- God willing: it depends on the Belgian trains running on time. . since I'm getting a later Eurostar than usual. I should get there on time. . .but I'm a dreadful worrier for being late, and my idea of being on time is really being an hour early grin, so I hope I am not too stressed tomorrow.

Am hoping to have an xray to see if everything is ok, and then I really don't know what to do. My band has been very tight and I am being sick a lot of the time. But only because I try to eat or drink too much.

Even water doesn't go past my band very easily.

I do wonder if I should have it tightened a tiny amount, to stop my getting so many liquid calories down. (It is frightening, but you can live, fat, on nothing but liquids, and never lose weight)

Alternatively, should I have it loosened a bit so I can eat more normally an healthily?

I don't want to go yo-yoing between fills and un fills all my life; so really am not sure what I am going to do tomorrow.

Amn't I hopeless?!

I will be interested to see what the xray shows, in particularly whether there is swelling round the band or my oesphagus is swollen. If nothing shows, maybe I should leave the band as it is. . .

I have only lost 6lbs in the last month or so; but then I haven't being trying over hard.

Sigh, what to do . . .

Thursday, 8 May 2008

Wow

Just noticed (unless all the pain and swelling in my stomach has affected my brain) that I have a 41% EWL. That sounds enormous. Tho the first half is always going to be easier to do than the second half. . .



I'm not yet five months out and have lost 32lbs - it isn't a huge loss, but like I've said before, unlike diets, I can't get out of this. A band is for life, not just in the run up to Christmas :-)

Tough couple of days

It has been a tough couple of days with a lot of vomitting, reflux, gaviscon, vomitting, dehydration etc.

I cracked last night and emailed the Healthier Weight Centres to see if they could do an emergency un fill. It got complicated when I realised it would be £150 for the band adjustment, *plus* £250 for an xray. No could do.

And I am not sure I wanted someone fiddling around with my band without an xray first. But in the end I agreed to go for the adjustment; £150 didn't seem a lot to pay for what I hoped would be instant pain relief.

Sigh - the best laid plans of mice and men etc. I set off and walked the half hour to the train station; only to find that due to an incident on the line there were no trains into London. When I found myself still on the platform an hour later, it was plain I wouldn't make it to the hospital before the end of clinic time, so I gave up and walked all the way home again.

Absolutely exhausted with the walking, not sure if it is the fallout from my recent infection.

So I survived another day with no un fill. Only eight days till I see Chris de Bruyne. I hope I make it.

Not able to eat or drink a lot; well not that a lot stays down. Which on the bright side of things meant that this morning I was 168.9lbs. The lowest I've been in a long time.

There is definitely a (significant) part of my mind that tells me that it doesn't matter what I suffer, if I am losing weight it is worth it. I know in my head that that is rubbish; but in my heart I am well and truely convinced of the "no pain no gain" theory.

Except when the pain gets so bad I am nearly crying. Then in the middle of the night I'd do anything for a defill of my band and the ability to relax my stomach muscles.

But in the middle of the night there isn't much I can do. But hey, I've lost a pound or so - not a lot, but I have got to keep going. . .

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

And down again

I don't mean my weight either; just my general outlook on life the universe and this band. Since I was ill (and my tonsils are beginning to hurt again) I think my band has tightened quite a bit and I spent most of today trying to drink fluids and throwing up.

It is now 1am and I am so thirsty and my throat/oesophagus/stomach are aching fit to cry over. I can't go to sleep cos I am hungry and thirsty and in pain, and I vomitted all my antibiotics for today so I'm scared of the infection coming back . .if I knew how, I'd unfill my band right now.

I know I'm only whingeing and I should feel better tomorrow - but right now I feel pretty miserable.

Still 12-2. Or 12-3. Not losing weight just heart and hope.

I have made arrangements to go to Belgium in 10 days time. I do need to get an x ray this time and to find out if my band is too tight.

Sometimes I think I don't care how tight it is so long as I lose weight, but lately there's been too much pain and vomitting and I still am not losing weight.

Not a sustainable position even short term. I hope tomorrow is better

Sunday, 4 May 2008

Monday May 5th

Feeling more positive today - finally over that ghastly throat infection (I think) and on the mend. Weight wise I will see what I weigh in the morning,but I do think if I am going to shift much more weight I am going to have to start being a lot more careful about what I eat and do more exercise

In short I need to go on a diet :-) I also need to up my water intake, I really am not getting enough fluid down, esp since I lose a lot thru being sick.

My potassium is low,but I can't stomach the postassium pills the hospital gave me (huge round things you dissolved into fizzy water, which tastes as tho it has salt and sugar in it - uggggg)

Might ask GP for alternative, or hope that it goes away on it's own. I think it will if I am sick less.

Spring seems to have finally sprung, so apart from a dehydration headache and not being able to sleep, i feel great.

The not sleeping is becoming a bad habit. I am pretty sure it is because I don't do enough exercise during the day. Need to try harder

Friday, 2 May 2008

Bad times

First the kids got sick. Then I got really sick, in hospital. It was scarlet fever - sounds like something people died of in Victorian times and I have to say that without anti biotics I can see why.

I had a sore throat Sunday morning; by Monday am I could not eat or drink, and by the evening I was choking on saliva since it could not get down my throat.

It took ages to get seen by a GP and he sent (thank God for a GP with any sense) me to hospital since if I couldn't swallow saliva there was no way I was gonna get mega huge antibiotic capsules down my throat.

I am a lot better, tho quite weak from the experience. Still trying to take the pills. Bleugh.

But I am - this is paranoid I know but bear with me - scared I've put on weight. Because I simply can't pb everything I eat or drink, which is what I've been doing for the last two months.

I have to keep the antibiotics down, so for several hours a day I can't vomit..

I feel fatter, look fatter and I am scared to death that I'll have put on half a stone in 5 days (yes it is possible)

I am only eating soup, cheese and cracker bread, but that in the past has been enough to make me fat.

Big sigh.

Lowest I've been on the scales recently is 12-2; but I am sure tomorrow am I'll be 12-9 or sthg.

Friday, 25 April 2008

Another strange thing

I have lost weight. Hard to tell how much cos the pre op starvation diet made me artificially light. . .but whatever way you put it, I am now 12 stone 5 ( 5ft 7)

BUT I still feel obese. I still wear the same clothes; they aren't too loose. I don't think I have even dropped a dress size.

Pre op weight (very low for me) was 14 stone 4 - according to CDBs scales. My "real life" weight was more like 14-11. Now I am 12-5 and yet I still wear the same clothes. Where has this mythical 2 stone loss come from? Maybe my bone marrow or something.

But my body size is pretty much the same. Weird and hard to cope with.

Did it again :-(

I had a fill booked in London, not with CDB my original surgeon, and woke up this morning feeling dire - could hardly walk, was pretty sure I couldnt get into central London; so cancelled the fill.

My stomach goes kind of up and down, some times I eat more than others.

Today I ate three (maybe 2.5) crackerbreads with Brie at about 11am; nothing but water till 5pm when I tried to eat some Chinese takeaway and pb'd 90% of it.

I later (7pm) tried to eat some slow cooked lamb ( and pb'd 130% of it immediately).

Don't feel hungry and have been sipping fruit juice since 5pm; but feel "deprived"

I am not really sure why I cancelled the fill; think I am scared of doctors (actually that isn't true; I KNOW I AM TERRIFIED of doctors); so I guess I will only be able to see CDB for fills. Weird kind of. But that's how I am

Saturday, 12 April 2008

Ketosis

The Cambridge Diet (if you look up their forum) make a big thing about your body going into ketosis (which means in ordinary language that I'm burning fat for energy). They say it kicks in 4 - 10 days after starting living on 438 cals a day in the form of milk shake drinks.

I never did reach ketosis with the CD,but according to the ketostix I bought to check, I am definitely in ketosis now. But maybe that is this virus and lack of fluids.

Drink drink drink is my motto for this weekend

The biggest benefit of the band

The biggest benefit of the band is that no matter how rotten/depressed/isolated etc I feel, I can't blow my diet. I can't escape. I am trapped on the "straight and narrow".

So often in the last few weeks I'd have thought "stuff this, it is just another gimmick that doesn't work" - but short of getting a complete defill, I can't "stuff it" (or stuff my face for that matter)

I have to keep plodding on; eating what I can, pbing what I can' swallow, and getting slowly and very unwillingly used to the rules of eating slowly and little.

I am a natural rebel/rule breaker, it is kind of humbling to be dragged back into line, whether I like or not.

But the plus side I hope is that even if it is slow, weight will keep coming off. So long as I drink enought water
Feels like ages since I updated and it's been a really stressful time.

My dad has heart failure and was hosptialised then mom was having tests cos of unexplained weight loss for ovarian and colon cancer; and I had a major incident (TMI be warned) with constipation which left me in agony and bleeding and scared to go near a bathroom except to briefly empty my bladder

Added to that, dh has been off work sick - and he's never off work sick, and it is a and added stress having him to care for as as well as myself, and then to add insult to injury I got the same virus he has and am feeling rotten

Have managed to get the blog open to the public again, had to make sure dd wasnt' reading it, but she's not (I get a report on her pc activity once a week).

I went thru a patch (prob stress and over tight band) of eating non stop and pbing immediately. Thankfully that has eased off and I'm not eating half as much, tho more of it is is prob staying down.

Since I have a flu type virus I have done very little these past few days, need to keep drinking fluids, since I am likely to get dehydrated. But at least I am no longer pbing 150 times a day!

Friday, 4 April 2008

LOST SOME WEIGHT

Hard to tell what is going on, since i m pretty sick after anything I eat. I don't mindbeing sick, it is better than being fat :-) and I have even had fish and chips (a few) once.

Scared I'll scupper my band with diet coke - even tho it is flat; and scared that since I got down to 12-12 I am psychologically trying not to lose any more, even tho I want to.

Thursday, 20 March 2008

Worse

My restriction has eased off a bit, but I am still eating too much and being sick too much.

DH who was very keen on my having the op, and even keener on it working fast, told me last night that he doesn't think it is going to work; all it has done is depressed me more.

Yes I am depressed,but my GP believes in depression as much as obesity so there is no point in even mentioning it to him.

I am still eating too much, and being sick all the time. Everyone says to confront the head issues which make me overeat. But what do you do when you are faced with the unchangeable? Maybe I am overeating because there are aspects of my life that I am unhappy with, what can I do when I can't change them?

I can't turn the clock back ten years and re make or undo some decisions I made then. I see no way forward, or way out. WLS was just another "gimmick diet" for me, I guess.

Friday, 14 March 2008

Difficult week

It has been a long, tiring and difficult week.

Despite wls, real life keeps going and doesn't care about me and my band, lol. So I have to try to balance the two.

Big problem re my band is that I really can't eat much except soft cheese, soft crackers, soup and fluids.

My head, on the other hand, likes to keep trying, and I do eat other food, and I am repeatedly sick.

To put this in context (not sure if I've said this already. . ) I have had a lot of pregnancy sickness in the last 15 yrs - being sick 10 - 20 times an hour was normal for me; I had to be taken to hospital for rehydration on occasions; but "momy being sick" has been a major part of my life.

So if I eat food that doesn't go down, and then have to rush off to be sick. . . no one really blinks. Mommy has always vomitted now and again.

There is no social pressure on me to keep food down, so I give in to temptation to eat food that I know won't get passed my band; and if I am sick, no big deal, no one blinks or hardly notices.

I realise that this is not a long term option.

(a) I either get a small unfill so that I can actually keep some real food down and feel full
(b) I *mentally* accept the restrictions that the band has placed me under, and keep to a diet of digestible food - crackers, cheese, soup and fluids - and that is probably going to need some "shrink work" or
(c) I get the band removed and go back to a lifetime of fighting food and dieting.

Time is a great prophet. I don't think I'd do (c) yet - but if the vomitting continues the way it has been, I will have to consider it. I have GERD and a repaired (tho I don't know how long the repair will work) hiatus hernia; and long history of excessive pregnancy vomitting (often bringing up blood by the sink-full); and I if I carry on being sick every day, I am risking my life - eventually major blood vessels in my throat/oesophagus could rupture.

Wls sickness is much easier than pregnancy sickness - no (or very little) stomach acid; and no nausea.

Sorry if this grosses you out, but it's almost like I eat food (not from hunger - from stress triggers) by chewing it, then a few moments later spitting it out.

This isn't really about losing weight, is it? It is about my relationship with food.

Monday, 10 March 2008

Slightly brighter

The last couple of days all I've had to eat is cambridge diet sachets during the day, and a fish pie type ready meal in the evenings. I am not drinking anywhere near enough water, though. But at least I'm not sick, and feel relatively normal compared to last week.

And I've lost 2 more pounds, tho maybe that is just dehydration :- (

Friday, 7 March 2008

Update

I've not posted recently cos there has been nothing to say, or at least nothing good : -(
I cancelled my fill, I am pretty sure it was the right thing to do; in fact I am not sure if I need an unfill.

This week I've been trying to eat the "normal" sort of tight restriction bandster foods, but most food I've put in my mouth has ended up in a bin. I'm starving, I eat a little, I get sick; I am starving I eat more, i get sicker - very painful and frustrating.

I have also - for no apparent reason - started the most terrible heartburn. Pre op I got gastric reflux a bit, since I had a hiatus hernia, but diet controlled it mostly, tho I have losec to take if I need it. Losec isn't touching this pain, which seems to stay with me for 3 hrs after I eat anything, which effectively means all day.

Emailed CDB and he suggested asking my GP for nexium instead, failing which to get an xray or a gastroscopy (which I assume means an endoscopy) done. Hmmm. Not really the answer I was looking for. He didn't suggest an unfill.

I just wonder if a bit less restriction would let me get some proper food in, then I'd feel full and eat less (as it is I'm permanently hungry and thirsty, but don't seem to get any relief from either for very long

I need to get an emotional grip on myself and STOP eating foods that come straight back up. there isn't any point and it can't be good for me or my band.

It's been a stressful week; we were meant to have someone round for dinner for the first time this evening so spent ages getting a meal organised, the house tidied, etc; only for them to cancel with half an hour to go.

Rude, but I was thankful. I don't feel mentally strong enough for new people right now.

OH is being very understanding and I'm going to have an early night on my own, see if the rest helps me relax a bit and therefore eat more.

Friday, 29 February 2008

To fill or not to fill . . .

To fill or not to fill, that is the question. I arranged for another fill on March 8th with a different fill provider, since I didnt' think the most recent fill in Belgium had made any difference. That was a week ago.
(this isn't me either, but I wouldn't mind looking like this)
Now, I am not so sure that I could cope with any more fill at all. Other than my staple diet of soft cheese and crackerbread, soup and fruit juice, I can't eat hardly anything. Last night I was really fed up and tried to eat chocolate. It went down ok, but I felt sickly and stuffed (could be because I am not eating chocolate as much as I used to pre op, and once you are off chocolate for a while it does taste very sweet and sickly, I find.





Then to my shock and horror, I actually vomitted the chocolate. I didn't think I'd ever be in a state where I couldn't eat chocolate in small quantities.





Maybe (I've not been feeling very well) I am going down with some virus or other.





I am able to sip liquids this morning, but no food going down at all. Haven't felt like trying to be honest, tho I did try a boiled egg - wanting to start the day with protein. Actually I started the day with two painkillers for my back pain, and these stayed stuck for ages. They are capsules, but not the type you can open and sprinkle - they are glued shut and if I try to open them they end up all over my clothes, not my mouth.





So total intake so far today: a little sugar free squash, and two tramadol. Hmmmm. Not too many calories there, but, as experience tells me, the night is young, and I tend to feel less restricted as the day goes on.

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Sizes

We've been discussing clothes sizes.

I wear shapeless, loose, baggy clothes all the time. Mostly because comfort is more important to me than looks; and since I'm home based I don't need to look professional or well dressed. So long as I'm clean and comfy, I'm happy!

I do have a lot of excess loose fat (it's not exactly just skin but that sort of thing) round my tummy. I can squidge it in handfulls and fold it in on itself etc. (Bet you all wanted to know that)

I am an apple shape, not pear and look about 5 months pregnant all the time.

I also have no waist, which is why I wear elastic waisted skirts, big t shirts etc.I don't have partic big hips, but cos of my huge waist I can't wear hip hugging clothes.

I've never been an avid clothes buyer - even when young and reasonably slim (never slim slim, but not fat) - I didn't think too much about clothes.

I wore jeans, denim skirts and a variety of t shirts for years.I never did follow fashion very much . . ok, just thinking aloud here, I don't know if it was pride or laziness but I really didn't care too much about what people thought of my clothes if I was happy in them and thought I looked good.

(No, these pics are not of me but I wouldn't complain if I looked like she does!)

Now, I am beginning to realise that maybe I'm scared of trying to dress up nicely because the result will be disappointing, easier not to try than to be disappointet.

Also, for years I've been saying to myself, "it is never seemed worth the money buying new expensive clothes since I am going to lose weight soon and they won't fit in a few months".

That is called denial I suppose :-) or maybe procrastination.

I'm off to get a measuring tape, and find some chart online that will tell me what size I officially am - not that that means I will fit it in any given shop . . OK so I have a waist of 46, hips of 41 and bust 47, which makes me a waist size 24 (and I'm in danger of heart disease cos my waist is bigger than my hips); hip size 20, and bust 22.Pretty much what I expected. Dunno how people who are heavier with higher BMIs get into size 16 jeans - I'd probably have a hernia trying to get them done up (assuming they got past my bum, they'd never do up at the waist!)

Being happy in myself and my clothes is more important than feeling that people are looking at me in admiration or envy my taste in clothes (pretty unlikely unless the person has a guide dog).

It bugs me a bit that my mom is always on at me to buy new clothes and "make more of myself" - that is her way of saying I look unacceptable now. I suspect dh feels the same way (same way as my mom, not as me)

Note to self, must make more effort.

Sunday, 24 February 2008

Not much restriction

I am not convinced that I should not have had the extra 0.25ml fill. Can't say I notice any real difference in restriction between before and after this fill.

I am making much more effort to stop eating as soon as I feel remotely full. . . so as to avoid food coming back up. I've also been looking at why I have spent my life eating more than I really need to for hungery or fuel.

Like many others, sadly, I use food as comfort, not fuel. Looking back to the past (he who understands the past, controls the future) I realise that as a child food - not basic foods, but treats or special foods - were rationed or simply not given to us; which wasn't easy when everyone else in school had sweets or biscuits or crisps: these were before the days of five a day fruit and veg; and I definitely felt deprived.

As soon as I was in charge of my own food intake (earning my own money and at University) I tried to make up for lost time and continually bought unhealthy food for myself, as though trying to make up for the times I'd felt left out and deprived as a child.

I've also realised that I am a natural rebel, and somehow the minute I am told to eat more fruit and veg and cut down on my carbohydrates I almost immediately swing the other way and decide to do the opposite from what I am told. Not deliberately, but subconsciously I like to feel that I am in control and not subject to the rules and regulations that ordinary mortals are!

Sounds foolish when I write it down in black and white, but despite (or maybe because of) the fact that the rest of my life is very ordered and regulated and I have very little choices in how I live or what I do (but in the end, who does, most of are wage slaves or have inescapable domestic responsibilities), I am determined to exert my autonomy by eating exactly how I want.

Foolish idea. I am not doing my own thing or being my own person by eating the wrong foods in the wrong amounts and avoiding exercise as much as possible . . it just makes me feel in control. Whereas it is really just sabotaging my efforts to live the life I'd like to live - which includes being healthy, able to exercise and being pain free.
(Grand'Place where I did a lot of walking)
Since my trip round Brussels the other day, I've been in a lot of pain from my hip joints, not to mention the pain in my leg muscles. That worries me less, since muscles will ache if you havent' used them for a while; but joint pain at my age is something I could do without. (Esp since I have parents with replaced knees and waiting for more joint replacements)

Saturday, 23 February 2008

Weight loss

I have amended my ticker, to ignore the weight I lost on the pre op crash diet - semi starvation diets always make me lose short term weight quickly, but it doesn't stay off, so I've decided to use my pre op weight as a starting point.

Between my pre op consultation in Dec 13th and my first two fills Jan 11th and 12th I did not lose an ounce, in fact put on about 0.2kg. Dr Chris kind of rounds it up, then down, (to take acount of my being dressed), so it is not comparable with my home scales which are in pounds, not kilos.

Between Jan and this apointment I have lost more weight than I expected (according to his scales) - nearly one stone gone. I felt quite good about that.


On wards and downwards.


Oh and I posted on the WLS forum from the Campanille: it wasn't particularly easy, if you see this picture you might work out why (I am a 50 wpm typist at home) . .


Apologies & Update

Hi I just wanted to apolgise for complaining about the lack of support from the WLSinfo forum. Sure there are some people there I won't agree with, but on the whole I've had some decent advice and sympathy lately.
I am just back from Belgium, Dr Chris decided there was nothing wrong with my band (I am personally not convinced I didn't stretch it from vomitting), but he said all the fluid was still in, and only gave me 0.75 mils this time. He said I *could * come back Saturday for more, but he didn't recommend it.
Supper that evening was an over cooked, over salted omlette with the texture of old tyres, so I didn't manage to eat any of it hardly. I did cut it up and move it round my plate. I was convinced from that meal that I did have a bit more restriction, and decided not to have the Saturday fill.
(On a side note, that is the third time I've eaten in the Campanille, and the second time the food was rubbish)

They do pride themselves on their buffet - not much use to WLS patients, but this is what it looks like:
And for dessert:



I am now home, and I am not sure I have the slightest bit more restriction than I had; but such is life. Maybe it will tighten up and if not, Dr C is in London on the 13th of March. I kind of regret not having it done today, but when I saw Dr C on Friday night, he had a room full (I mean full to overflowing) of people who he told me were *all* there for emergency unfills. He strongly suggested I be happy with my now 5.75mls in my 9ml band.
Hmmmm. Not sure I made the right call; compared to the restriction I had back in January (post fill - the restriction didn't last), I feel positively empty.

I took lots of pics which I will post later - too tired now.


I arrived in Brussels Midi at 11am and decided to be brave and find my way to Brussels Centrale to find some touristy things to do. I say brave because the night before I left I'd searched the internet and found various reviews warning that Brussels Centrale is very "seedy", rather dangerous and it would be wisest to get a taxi from Midi to the Grand-Place, Brussels' central sightseeing area.




(The platforms are really dark and grimy)

It all went ok, tho I was irrationally terrified of being mugged; and I agree BC is far less modern, clean or safe than Brussels Midi.

I spent 2 - 3 hrs walking round yesterday and today, since I had time to kill, I spent at least 4 hrs walking round (bought so many presents for the family that I had to buy a new bag to carry them home - and I don't think anyone wants to see Belgian chocolate ever again)

I haven't had any chocolate. (insert halo here:-)

Today I have eaten

7.30 am one crackerbread with brie

10.30 am one coffe with some milk (ghastly UHT Macdonalds milk)

12.30 - 2pm 30grams pringles and some more brie (230 cals for the pringles, assuming I ate the whole 43g pack, tho I didn't)

Throughout the day, 400mls water.
Supper, half a sausage (dh had been cooking for the kids and I couldn't resist)

21.00 one cup a soup (slim variety)
when I eat I feel full, but the full ness doesn't last for more than 2 hrs, max. Sometimes it only lasts half an hour.
I do hope the excessive walking helped a bit with my weight loss

My hip joints are aching terribly, I am not used to long walks - and I am not sure I'll be able to move tomorrow - insert old age groan here :-)

I may eat a cracker bread and brie before bed, I hate going to bed with my tummy rumbling.
(total for brie all day around 500 cals. Ooops I do need to change cheeses here)
Plus one xencial - which incidentally never give me any bathroom issues. That has to be a good thing, huh?

Sunday, 17 February 2008

Progress

For some reason this last week I seem to have lost some weight. The tight restriction I had has gone, making it possible to drink more water, so I wonder if that has had something to do with it. I haven't felt particularly deprived this last week, maybe because I can drink what I want. I've been eating smaller portions of everything, though there are still a lot of foods I can't eat.

I also find that I can't really eat while talking, arguing with the children, or supervising everyone else eating (lots of small kids) I have to eat in peace and quiet away from stress if I want my food to stay down.

In common with a lot of people who've had this op, I can eat at all in the mornings, I do well to get a glass of hot water to stay down. Received dietary wisdom suggests one should never skip breakfast, but I don't really have an option on that one right now.

I've also managed to stay of chocolate: once I'm off it for a week or two, I get over the "addiction" and don't miss it too much.

So this last week has been better; I've not been so starving all the time.

Of to Belgium soon . .

Sunday, 10 February 2008

Monday again

Monday again, my favourite day of the week (sarcasm :-)

I recently posted on the WLS Forums asking for others' experiences of a band, to see what my experience was like, in comparison. In partic. I was/am concerned that I've not really lost much weight so far, and I wondered if this affected my long term success prospects.

Well! I got thumped good and hard for asking, with various comments telling me not to expect any weight loss for six months (???) and the general tone of replies being that I was whining and would I please be quiet.

Sigh, so much for a "support" group.

Obviously banding is a pretty individual experience, but I've come across posts by people who've lost 50% of their excess weight in 6 wks, or nearly 3 stone in 5 weeks - see http://melondramas.blogspot.com/ for example.

I don't know why a few anonymous names at the end of a forum are making me feel defensive, but they are! I am not making it up that some people lose a lot of weight quickly after this surgery; nor, sadly, am I making up the fact that I haven't!

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

New Fill Booked

It felt like my restriction seemed to "pop" a couple of days ago. I had bad muscle-type pain in my stomach area (not acid pain, felt like pulled muscles) and suddenly the restriction is much less. The best thing about it is being able to drink a glass of water in one go.

Obviously the bad thing is that I can eat more food. Trying to make sensible choices and not eat too much.

I've booked an appt with Dr Chris, I want to have an xray to see what happened to my oesophagus. And of course I need a fill or two.

I had a hiatus hernia repair and it worries me that all the pbing might have strained it. Or that I've stretched my band - he showed me at the pre op appointment how flexible the bands are and how they do stretch (instead of breaking) if your stomach strains them. I do hope I've not done that.

One thing I haven't had since surgery is heartburn/acid pain; and I was on full time Losec before hand, so that is a good thing.

I've got till the 22nd to try to lose some weight, then I'll see him in Belgium for possibly a double fill. I like the idea of having a fill and then being able to see him 12 hrs later, so if I am impossibly tight he can reduce it a bit. And if my restriction is not enough, he can add a bit more.

It is more expensive this way, than going to see him in London which I could have done next week, but I feel I prefer the double appointment.

I also got my exercise bike which was doing a great job as a clothes horse in my bedroom cleaned up and down to the study where I work most of the day. I even went on it for five minutes. Small steps. Got to start somewhere.

O wards and downwards.

If I get to Feb 22nd and see Dr Chris and haven't lost *any* weight, does that mean that the band is not going to work? No, it means I have to work harder with it.

Monday, 4 February 2008

Something's happening . .

Something is happening, and it doesn't feel good. My port has moved up, or so it feels. It's always been quite obvious thru my skin and it had definitely moved from south of my scar to north-west of it.

I've had pain in my hiatus hernia/top of stomach area for the last couple of days; and worst of all, my restriction is disappearing fast.

What has happened? I am concerned that my band is damaged. Is it normal to go from 85% restriction to 45% in two days? I'm still sticking to the vegetable soup, crackers and cheese, but I notice that when I ate some chicken tonight while making dh's supper, it went down fine. So I ate some more; no pbing.

Also, when I cough or shout (like when the kids are upstairs and I'm shouting for them to come down for lunch), it hurts my stomach/left breastbone area. Any sort of pressure does.

I don't think this is good. . .

Saturday, 2 February 2008

Going badly

This is going badly. I weighed myself on Friday and have lost only 2kgs since my pre op appointment. I lost more weight on the pre op diet of about 8 days than I've done since the op.

I can't eat any real food, just soup (even pureed veg is too thick, it has to be soup), crackerbread and cheese. I've kept off crisps and chocolate all week.

I don't see that getting another fill is going to help, since I barely get anything other than the above food down. Yet I am positively starving all the time. I am more food obessed than ever before and can scarcely sit down for an hour or two without getting yet another bowl of soup or some crackers.

(I am making my own soup - cauliflower, carrots and onions, plus three stock cubes and 2 litres of water; I go thru that at least once a day.)

I feel starving for food, liquid and salt all the time.

And of course I feel let down that I'm letting the band down. This is pathetic. I could lose more weight than this on a crash diet (or even a normal one: 2kgs since dec 14th is not a lot of weight to lose)

I don't think it is just head hunger, because I was never hungry like this before. I might think of going back on to reductil or phentermine - which certainly stopped any physical hunger.

My back hurts a lot (long term problem) and I now have a nasty pain just below my left ribs, feels like it goes up and under them - dunno if that is swelling round my band.

I've not pb'd hardly at all today, just been hungry, drinking litres of soup, and eating cheese and crackers.

Tomorrow is another day. . . .

Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Not a good day

I am not having a good day. Various family issues mean I've been dying for some "comfort food" - and even tho I can't eat it, I've been trying to eat it. I don't know why I feel so desperate for food, head hunger is killing me.

And I've got quite a pain in my chest from where my hiatus hernia was stitched up - which probably isn't helped by the vomitting.

Bundle of fun today, amn't I?