Sunday, 24 February 2008

Not much restriction

I am not convinced that I should not have had the extra 0.25ml fill. Can't say I notice any real difference in restriction between before and after this fill.

I am making much more effort to stop eating as soon as I feel remotely full. . . so as to avoid food coming back up. I've also been looking at why I have spent my life eating more than I really need to for hungery or fuel.

Like many others, sadly, I use food as comfort, not fuel. Looking back to the past (he who understands the past, controls the future) I realise that as a child food - not basic foods, but treats or special foods - were rationed or simply not given to us; which wasn't easy when everyone else in school had sweets or biscuits or crisps: these were before the days of five a day fruit and veg; and I definitely felt deprived.

As soon as I was in charge of my own food intake (earning my own money and at University) I tried to make up for lost time and continually bought unhealthy food for myself, as though trying to make up for the times I'd felt left out and deprived as a child.

I've also realised that I am a natural rebel, and somehow the minute I am told to eat more fruit and veg and cut down on my carbohydrates I almost immediately swing the other way and decide to do the opposite from what I am told. Not deliberately, but subconsciously I like to feel that I am in control and not subject to the rules and regulations that ordinary mortals are!

Sounds foolish when I write it down in black and white, but despite (or maybe because of) the fact that the rest of my life is very ordered and regulated and I have very little choices in how I live or what I do (but in the end, who does, most of are wage slaves or have inescapable domestic responsibilities), I am determined to exert my autonomy by eating exactly how I want.

Foolish idea. I am not doing my own thing or being my own person by eating the wrong foods in the wrong amounts and avoiding exercise as much as possible . . it just makes me feel in control. Whereas it is really just sabotaging my efforts to live the life I'd like to live - which includes being healthy, able to exercise and being pain free.
(Grand'Place where I did a lot of walking)
Since my trip round Brussels the other day, I've been in a lot of pain from my hip joints, not to mention the pain in my leg muscles. That worries me less, since muscles will ache if you havent' used them for a while; but joint pain at my age is something I could do without. (Esp since I have parents with replaced knees and waiting for more joint replacements)

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