Friday, 14 March 2008

Difficult week

It has been a long, tiring and difficult week.

Despite wls, real life keeps going and doesn't care about me and my band, lol. So I have to try to balance the two.

Big problem re my band is that I really can't eat much except soft cheese, soft crackers, soup and fluids.

My head, on the other hand, likes to keep trying, and I do eat other food, and I am repeatedly sick.

To put this in context (not sure if I've said this already. . ) I have had a lot of pregnancy sickness in the last 15 yrs - being sick 10 - 20 times an hour was normal for me; I had to be taken to hospital for rehydration on occasions; but "momy being sick" has been a major part of my life.

So if I eat food that doesn't go down, and then have to rush off to be sick. . . no one really blinks. Mommy has always vomitted now and again.

There is no social pressure on me to keep food down, so I give in to temptation to eat food that I know won't get passed my band; and if I am sick, no big deal, no one blinks or hardly notices.

I realise that this is not a long term option.

(a) I either get a small unfill so that I can actually keep some real food down and feel full
(b) I *mentally* accept the restrictions that the band has placed me under, and keep to a diet of digestible food - crackers, cheese, soup and fluids - and that is probably going to need some "shrink work" or
(c) I get the band removed and go back to a lifetime of fighting food and dieting.

Time is a great prophet. I don't think I'd do (c) yet - but if the vomitting continues the way it has been, I will have to consider it. I have GERD and a repaired (tho I don't know how long the repair will work) hiatus hernia; and long history of excessive pregnancy vomitting (often bringing up blood by the sink-full); and I if I carry on being sick every day, I am risking my life - eventually major blood vessels in my throat/oesophagus could rupture.

Wls sickness is much easier than pregnancy sickness - no (or very little) stomach acid; and no nausea.

Sorry if this grosses you out, but it's almost like I eat food (not from hunger - from stress triggers) by chewing it, then a few moments later spitting it out.

This isn't really about losing weight, is it? It is about my relationship with food.


Ken said...

Keep going mate one day at a time

Bandster said...

Thanks Ken.Nice to know someone cares: - )