So back to theatre. It was silent and empty compared to the morning and they had to waken the anaesthetist who was napping in one of the side rooms. He was really really nice and kept joking and being friendly
CBD was quiet and confident and very competent. I asked him for the second time as they were strapping my arms down, if my life was in danger. Again he said no. But then he added, I am not God. Which I found reassuring. I know statistically that patients die from bleeding that can't be stopped and sometimes there is no reason why they can't stop the bleeding. I prefer a surgeon who says he will do his utmost, and that he believes he will do it without error or ommission; yet it is good of a surgeon to know that he is not God.
What is the worst thing that could happen? I asked him.
I am not sure if he was stressed or just doesn't have a sense of humour, since he said "I have already told you the worst, we check your - not sure of the word he used, it meant keyholes - and find the one that bleeds and sew it up, that is the worst"
(lol, I know lots of other things could - but for the grace of God - go wrong, but he wasn't even going to consider them)
(when I had my hysterectomy, I asked the same question and the doctor said deapan
"the worst thing that can happen is always death; but I think that is unlikely, and if you want to know the worst thing that ever happened to me in an operation is that one of the lenses of my glasses fell out : -)" - which made us all laugh and kind of relieved the tension. )
How many patients have you lost in surgery, I asked CDB? None he said, emphatically, out of more than 3000 operations.
"Oh dear, doesn't that mean that statistically it is bound to happen soon?" I joked. Everyone else laughed.
CDB looked at me sternly and said (maybe getting fed up with my levity - I was just trying to stay unstressed)
"From now on you must trust me. Leave the worrying to us; leave it all to us; you will be fine"
I said thanks, and once again looked at the huge theatre lights. This time I was more aware of maybe not coming round in this world. I thought of each of my children and what I would have wanted to say to them; but again I was not distressed or upset or crying; very calm, God gave me a lot of peace.
They tried to knock me out via breathing oxygen - I've seen this done with some of my dc being operated on, but I could not breathe deeply enough because of my low bp; so I saw a nurse draw up a needle full of fluid, and woke up at 2am