A year ago

Just looked back; a year ago I was 10 - 14 pounds lighter

I have gone back to the old pre banding regime of gaining about a pound a month, a stone a yr, and am working my way back to morbid obesity. . . .

Why? How?

No easy answers. I hate myself.

And it is not going well nor easy. I seem to have a choice - total restriction/fluids only/occasional sloppies/no real food/lots of high cal garbage

OR

eat everything in sight

Either way, I'm gaining weight. Horribly. Terrifiyingly.

I am finding the regain/failure journey very hard. I look terrible in pictures; my clothes don't fit/are bursting/can't be tied

I'm getting fat. Again. For the thousandth time in my life, a weight loss method has failed me

I can't get the "sweet spot" where you can eat a little of most things, are never hungry and lose weight.

I can eat either nothing or everything and yes, I am having 0.25 mil adjustments.

Fills and unfills

I wasn't going to update this, but in order to keep a record of my band life, I wanted to say that I had one mil taken out on Sept 17, weighing 10 stone 4; I felt that I was eating junk cos I couldn't eat food, and gaining weight like mad.

And I had 1.25 put back in today, 4 wks later, weighing 10 stone 8.

I am glad to have the restriction back. I've not been pbing so much the last month, just eating and keeping it down and gaining weight.

Not sure my band is tight enough. I drank the cup of water without and problems. I think I prob have dilation, but Dr M said no, he didn't think so. He was vague about the symptoms, he doesn't listen v much. Or maybe I don't talk much, maybe I should have talked more about what is happening, how I feel, etc, instead of walking in with my mind already made about what I want.

Band is ok; but not great. And if I keep re gaining, I'll soon be back where I started.

I used to panic if I got over nine stone. Then I was happy so long as I stayed under 9 - 7; then being in the nines with single figures was ok; then being nine something was ok. . .

Today, and for the last few weeks, I've been dreading hitting 11:00. I can cope (huh!) with being 10-09; 10-12 even.

But I really want to get rid of the extra 28 pounds. All the extra weight is around my tummy area, I look like I'm 5 months pg :-(

I tried getting a defill to see if I'd eat better and be healthier; instead I just got fatter.

So now, I've had a fill, to see if I'd eat less. I have no delusions about eating better or healthier, except maybe I'll start using the Cambridge Diet type drinks instead of real food. But my band is not tight enough for that. Hmmm, should I call the doc and ask to see him tomorrow? Ask for another 0.25ml?

I'm tempted. But I guess I won't. Not this month.

Update

I'm not going to update this any more; but an online banding friend suggested that I leave it open, since it tells the whole of my story (well, the whole so far :-)) and might be helpful for newbies to read.

I will continue to read blogs, but for now, I'm not a blogster any more (grin, blogging-bandster).

Wishing everyone love and luck and happiness in their journeys, and look forward to checking in maybe in six months time

H x x

Monday

Not sure if this is showing up or not - Google has been messing about a bit.

Bikini!

No, not me, Catherine over at http://chroniclesfrombandland.blogspot.com/. Wow, you look great. I don't have bikini pics of me (not now, not ever) but pre op I took some pics in my undies.

Catherine looks amazing. I still wouldn't (BMI 21.5) wear a bikini. In fact I've never shopped for one. I wore one once in my life, I borrowed a friend's. Can't imagine that I ever will wear one, at the ripe old age of 39 again (lol)

Update

It's funny, when I check my favourite blogs (and there are dozens :-) I feel kind of cheated when they go too long without updating, but I'm worse, I've not updated this in ages.

I didn't get the sickness that was going round the family (thankfully!), I felt a bit queasy, but wasn't actually sick. (I love hyacyinths and spring, and today I potted some geraniums). They will probably die cos I am not very great at looking after flowers, but hey, they are fun while they last)

I decided against having my band defilled a tiny bit the other weekend, I had planned it, but I knew it was just stress making me tight, and in the end I reckoned if I sat it out it would sort out. And so it sort of has. I'm still a bit on the tight side, but not losing weight.

(That doesn't surprise me since I have completely given up exercise until I get more medical tests done - physiology tests due this week, and more pelvic floor tests in May I hope) Till then I have to avoid lifting, running or anything that could put pressure on my pelvic floor.

So I am happy to be maintaining at 9 stone 10. Ideally I'd like to lose another half stone, but we'll see how my tests go.

I've started walking again, about half an hour a day, but can't do more cos I get quite a bit of pain if I'm on my feet too long.

I need to buy some spring/summer clothes; but have been putting that off. I'm not confident shopping and tend to stick to the same few clothes I really like (and have had for ages :-)

Hoping to get back to exercise sooner rather than later, but it is going to depend if I need pelvic floor/bladder surgery. On the plastics front, I am not having my facelift. The doctor never responded to my last email (when I pointed out that he *had* confirmed my booking, and was leaving me out of pocket by cancelling it). I did ask him when he would be happy to see me, but he's not got back to me.

I feel if I'm not personally comfortable with a surgeon, not matter how skilled he is, I don't want to have a face lift with him. There are other surgeons. . . and maybe I should start with a tummy tuck. I've been in touch with a different Belgian doctor re a TT consultation.

Though right now, moving between London and basically anywhere else is impossible, since Heathrow has been shut for several days. The ferries/trains to the Europe are running, but are fully booked and chaotic. So no immediate rush for my TT consultation.

I'm so happy it is spring. I love sunshine!

Happy Easter

Everyone in this house apart from me has a sickness/vomitting virus. Nightmares. With a band, it is something I really don't want to get. I'm taking every preventative measure possible, and praying like mad.

It's been a hectic/miserable/sickey weekend. Ah well, these things happen, and we didn't have big plans.

Now off to read on the blogsphere - I caught a glimpse of a goal being smashed on Catherine's blog (http://chroniclesfrombandland.blogspot.com/) Yeay!

Lots on this week, more stress, learning to have a new member in our family (she's in a care home really near us, and is a dear old lady, and we will all be involved in visiting her, caring, etc) and on Saturday I am meant to see a fill provider about getting a slight unfill, since with the stress I've been mega tight.

In other news - the doctor I was supposed to be having my face lift with is messing me about. I confirmed a date with him later on this month, then I asked him a few questions (about his failure rates, law suits against him, etc - fairly standard questions I'd ask anyone if I was going to have surgery with them) and he became very defensive, and said he would not reply to my email, but I could phone him if I wished, but I had to understand that discretion is vital in this industry.

Then I get an email saying that I failed to confirm the date and can't have surgery after all.

I keep all my emails, so I emailed back showing the confirmation of my surgery and asked him if he would be happy to treat me at any other date? (Obviously, I am beginning to wonder, should I get a different surgeon? Is this fate and I should cancel it for a bit? Waaaaaaaaaaah. I'm such a chicken.)

Layout

Sorry bout the layout in the last post, havent' really got the hang of gettting pictures and text to line up. Will do better next time, but too tired to fix this tonight.

Have a great weekend, bandsters - and step away from the chocolate :-)

Easter weekend

A Happy Easter to all my fellow bandsters!

Hope you all got up to something interesting.

Here, it's a lot of work, caring for family who are moving to a nursing home. So the stress continues, and my band is still too tight. I am getting fluids down ok, but I try (I know, I shouldn't) to eat some real food as well, and that doesn't work very well.

I can manage crackers and cheese, crips (chips) and biscuits (though I try not to eat them) in the afternoon/evenings; but day time I am definitely only able to have fluids.

In fact when I wake up - before 6am - I can't have anything at all for a couple of hours, and even then I have to be realllly careful, coffee won't go down (prob cos I have milk in it), only water will. Hmmm, maybe I should try my coffee black for a bit (I used to love black coffee, but gave it up cos it isn't meant to be good for your stomach to have too much raw caffeine, and I've always had stomach issues)

. . .

but black coffee would prob do a lot more for me in the mornings than plain water and might stop me trying to "binge" on cup a soup by lunch time. Lol, this is not normal for a band, in case anyone new is worrying about having to live like this. My band is normally a lot more co operative, but this stress (which is manageable, I hope I can live with/thru it, without too much more hassle) has affected me.

I guess if the stress wasn't affecting my band, it would be giving me headaches or eczema or affecting me some other way. . . .

Off to de-stress and watch some TV (with a glass of white wine, though last glass I had would not go down at all - a band too tight for wine?? not good!)

Stress and bands

Stress tightens my band - and life is stressed right now. Not in a too-bad-too-personal way (no death or divorce, grin) but I am caring for elderly relatives one of whom is moving to a care home, the other hospitalised, and I seem to spend 2 hrs a day on the telephone checking up and chasing up doctors etc.



And it is stressful - to the extent, lol that I spent all of last night dreaming about hospitals and care homes! And with that stress my band likes to tighten itself a few notches. So I'm basically on fluids only - well, I've managed a little chicken earlier on today and I'm eating a packet of crisps as I type, but I've pb'd a little bit of the crisps and it's taking me half an hour to eat a packet (in the bad old pre-band days I could eat a multipack in half an hour)

Didn't finish this post the other day - things are still busy and my band is still tight. Have an appt next week to see if I need a tiny bit out if things haven't settled.

I feel like it's not very fair to my band to keep fiddling with it, since the stress is not my band's fault, but on the other hand, living on soup, soft cheese and hot chocolate is getting a bit tiring.

I'm loath to get a defill since I realise that this isn't the fault of my band, but more of my life!

Mondays

The best thing (maybe the only good thing, lol) about Mondays is that most of the bandster blogs I follow get updated over the weekend. I'm not online on Sundays, so by the time it gets to Monday in the UK I have lots of blogs to catch up on. Not, of course, that I don't have lots of other things to do to, it being Monday and all that, but today, these things can wait till I've had a long read of what all my favorite bandsters are up to.

Today is ds3's birthday, and in keeping with a family tradition, we all get the day off (except dh and ds1 who have to go to work). Now all I have to do is try not to eat too much birthday cake!

Weigh in this morning was miserable - 9 stone 12.4. How can anyone have 2 days' starvation, a colonoscopy and still gain 2.4 pounds?? I guess it is possible. Maybe I should buy new scales, grin.

Done and dusted plus NSV

Colonoscopy over and all clear, thankfully. I had a general anaesthetic - I hate them, but I also could not bear the thought of a colonscopy under "sedation" - given that the last time I was not remotely sedated, and felt every ugly part of the procedure.

I am glad to be home, and surprisingly, not that hungry. I had a few cups of coffee and some soup when I got back to my room, but couldn't face the sandwiches (I never can eat bread) and only ate one of the biscuits.


Since getting home I've had the run of the fridge, but honestly don't feel hungry - great side effect off a GA, I guess. (I realise it is probably because of the great big tube that was stuck down my throat - she offered to show me it while she was prepping me for surgery, and I said yes, I'd like to see it - then promptly wished I hadn't - it looked far worse than it looks on medical dramas on TV! It is still quite sore to swallow, so I'll stick to fluids while I can.)

Despite yesterday's starvation and all the "preparation" I had to drink, when I weighed myself this morning I had put on a pound!!!! Talk about adding insult to injury . . . however, I am putting it down to water weight (I must have had four or five litres to drink yesterday) and hoping that when I do my weekly weigh in next week I'll be rewarded with a least a small loss.

At this stage (BMI normal) it is so much harder to lose weight (esp since I've been off exercise for the last few weeks, pending medical investigations), so that even 0.5 of a pound loss is good news.

Oh before I forget, I had a lovely NSV today. . . .

There I was all gowned up (you know how attractive - not - hospital gowns are), lying on a trolley (gurney) waiting to be put to sleep, and the anaesthetist started looking for a vein in the back of my hand. I have non-compliant veins so it took her a little while, and she remarked, "oh, another one - all my ladies this morning have been so petite" - Petite??? No one has ever ever called me that before, lol, not even as a new born baby. I was so thrilled I might have hugged her if I hadn't been lying down half dressed and attached to various monitors.

I do have quite slim hands I guess, but yeay, I like being "petite" (even though at nearly 5 ft 7 it is never going to be the truth, it made me feel good)

Hungry

(This is how I feel)

It's been an odd day, drinking coffee, squash and laxative preparations. Thankfully I have not had to do anything at all, other than watch TV and surf the internet. I'm grateful to my dear daughter (dd) for cooking the family's meals today - not sure than I could have coped in the kitchen without eating something.



I feel really weak right now, but otherwise relatively ok. It's a long time since I spent a day without any form of food whatsoever (even post fill when I am on fluids only I have things like soup, which today I can't have)



Am going to have a bath and an early night. And will no doubt dream of food!

Time out

(These are not pics of me - but of the results I'd like to get - the before pic is the second one, I couldn't get blogger to oblige me by switiching them round. This pics are taken from my surgeons' website)

I'm having a day off today, since I'm on starvation diet and will soon be rushing to and fro the bathroom. Nice to have a day off - not so nice to have it for this reason. However, it means I get a chance to do lots of blog reading and to catch up with editing photos and writing emails. I don't intend to do anything at all physical - couch potato to the core :-) I might stretch to doing some online shopping, but nothing more strenuous!

Another week

Another week since I posted. I was down to 9 stone 10 last time I weighed, though I have high hopes of being less next week - not least because tomorrow I am not allowed to eat any food at all (only clear fluids) pre colonscopy; then on Friday I won't be allowed to eat until after the procedure.

And today I'm on a restricted diet of (band friendly) slider foods - biscuits, butter, cream, soft chicken, mashed potatoes. No fibre.

So I am hoping the enforced starvation will help the scales (trying to put a positive spin on it, there really isn't anything positive at all about enforced starvation!)

I am already feeling very sorry for myself. I get to drink lots of laxative laden fluid tomorrow, and am warned to "stay near a bathroom". Hmmmm, like anyone wouldn't?

In other news, I have decided to (as in finally booked) have a face lift. No one but me thinks it is at all necessary, but it's my face and my life, and why not? So I'll be heading off to Belgium at the end of April. I will take plenty of photos - not sure I'll have the courage to post them here.

Hope everyone is well in BandsterLand - Catherine, you've been MIA for a bit - busy with work? Bunny, you've disappeared again too . . ?

Doing ok

Thought I was having a bad week, and to be honest, have had a few too many slider foods. . . but when I got on the scales this evening, fully clothed, they were kind - so I'm hoping that tomorrow morning (I am always lighter in the morning) they will be extra kind.

I don't normally weigh myself at night, nor dressed, but I was tidying up in the lounge and found that one of my teenage daughters (I have two) had moved the scales in there, so I took a deep breath and jumped on, "just to check".

Yeay for a better result than I expected (I didn't expect much: getting rid of the last ten pounds is so so so hard, believe me. But heck, I'd rather be battling the last ten pounds, than battling the other 80 odd pounds I've lost)

And Happy St Patrick's Day to all the Irish out there (I have a great-great-grandmother who was Irish - and two parents who are Celtic Scottish), hope you had a great day, and enjoyed the green beer.

Cheers everyone!

Cousin Bioring

I checked on the WLS Info Forum; and Jacqui who was banded five yrs ago by my doctor, said, " . that the band type (the Cousin Bioring) due to it's high placement and the fact that it is considered a "soft" band has had no reported erosions and no reported slippages since he started placing them 6 years ago. "

That is good news, however, I don't want to be the first :-)

Brand New Roo

Just some hugs to Roo (www.abrandnewroo.blogspot.com) living in the Middle East, who was banded in August and when she went for another fill, found out that her port has flipped - and it's going to cost $1200 to fix, and she can't have a fill before then.

Ouch. Sorry for you hun. Hope you get this fixed soon and get back on the losing track. (She has an amazing photo of her port movement and the attempts to do her last fill)

Ouch

Having a stressful time - not band related. Dh's parents are unwell, and we live a long way away and it has meant a lot of work, phone calls and worry. Might not sound much, but for us, it has been a really tough time . . .And along with stress comes band tightening and this week I've not had the *sense* to go back to fluids for a couple of days, and I've been pbing too much

Right now my stomach just *aches* from a few pbs this evening. I am hungry but can't seem to find any food that stays down. And not much fluid either.

The pb cycle is bad. I eat too much or too fast; then I pb; stomach gets swollen; less food can go down; I'm stressed;I'm hungry - feels like I am starving; I eat too much or too fast; so I pb . . . and so it goes on.

Going to stick to fluids tomorrow, I promise. . .

I read on the Weight Loss Forum that in the six yrs since my surgeon has been fitting my type of band, there have been NO reported case (anywhere in the world) of that type of band slipping or eroding. That makes me feel a bit better right now, cos otherwise I think I'd be sure my band was about to explode :-(

Off to sleep now, and tomorrow is another day. I need to de-stress and give my poor stomach a rest.

Good luck to everyone - and I wouldn't like to worry any new or prospective bandsters, this isn't usual. I'm unusually stressed, and my eating right now is unusually bad.

In the pre band days I'd have eaten non stop, and then some more. That isn't possible any more, thankfully.

LOL

Lol.

Today I had to see a colorectal surgeon - long story, bad family history, the odd symptom, but no, I don't think I have any major issues. Despite all that, I do have to have a battery of tests and will no doubt whine loudly about them as they come along.

(And in case anyone wants to offer me some sympathy, I have to have a colonoscopy, an endoanal ultrasound, pelvic floor physiology as well as a proctogram. That is probably TMI. . .)

The doctor I saw today was very nice and sounded quite reasonable about my band (they always ask what previous surgery I've had, I have to tell them all about childhood illnesses, etc - and then I have to tell them bout my band). He asked how much weight I'd lost and said very genuinely "well done, good for you" - rather than the rolling of eyes and "OMG *why*???" that I sometimes get from medical professionals.

And he nodded knowingly when I said I'd gone to Belgium for surgery, which is again and improvement on how a lot of doctors in the UK react (they usually do the shock horror, you went abroad? thing)

Anyway, he had me lie down so he could feel my tummy, checking for any abnormal swellings, etc. All was fine till he came to my port - which is very close to the surface and very obvious. He felt it, scowled, tried again, squinted, pressed it again, peered very closely and looked quite perplexed.

"That's my port" I pointed out.

Relief flooded his face. . ."oooohhhhhh" he said, somewhat embarassedly. . .

"I thought . . ." [he was wondering how I could have a tumour in that position, that felt so well defined, etc]

"Well . . . I wondered if I needed a crash course in basic physiology" :-)

He'd never met a bandster (though had obviously read about banding) - and had no idea that we have ports.

But he was good; non judgemental, helpful and - I hope - will be able to deal with my forthcoming nightmarish tests in a kind and non embarassing manner.

I realise this is a bit off topic . . but it was amusing. Not quite an NSV - more of an acceptance of my band, treating it as no big deal (NBD) - which doesn't often happen.

It's good when people (medical or otherwise) can just nod and say "yeah, ok, no big deal" when I mention my band.

What a difference 0.25 ml makes

I am amazed at the difference having 0.25mils out makes. My band feels 100 times more comfortable and PBing is down to a minimum. And best of all, I really do feel full after eating even though I am not eating much.

While my band was too tight I was always hungry, struggling to keep food down, and PBing more than is safe.

So here's hoping that the scales are kind to me this week!

Award

Bunny at http://www.weight-loss-expedition.blogspot.com/ sent me this award. Yay, I've never had a blog award before, and I know I don't have a big readership compared to most people in bandster blog-land. According to the rules I have to:

• Thank the person who nominated you for this award (thank you!)
• Copy the award and post it in your blog (done)
• Link to the blog of the person who nominated you (done)
• Tell seven interesting things about yourself
• Nominate seven bloggers
• Post links to the blogs of your nominees

Seven things about me. . . that could be difficult - will have to wait till another post.

Seven bloggers? Most of the banding blogs I read have already got this award, but I'll nominate

one, a new blogger, Julie, in Northern Ireland, http://julie-and-sammy.blogspot.com/ Julie is just back from Belgium with Sammy her band.

And although it is not a blog, I will also nominate WLS Info Forums (http://www.wlsinfo.org.uk/) as a wonderful place in Bandland for support and information, 24/7 (I guess it is similar to the US based Lapband Talk forum (though it covers all types of WLS)

Small defill

I swore after my last fill that I wasn't going to mess with my restriction again for at least six weeks . . .but I did.

I was too tight - and although I like my band on the tight side, it is not going to work to have it where all I can do is drink coffee and eat chocolate! I've been waiting for it to loosen up, but when it didn't I was getting desperate.

And, interesting, you do not lose weight when your band is too tight. Or I don't. I just end up in starvation mode, living on coffee, chocolate and crisps, with no energy to exercise. And it doesn't take a degree in dietetics to work out that that is not a healthy nor sustainable diet.

I had an appointment on Friday to discuss plastic surgery, and en route to London stopped off for lunch with dh. I could only manage to drink half a cup of (thin) soup without pbing. Enough, I decided, is enough. I texted my fill provider since they had a clinic in London to see if they could fit me in, but they said they were full. Plan B was to turn up and plead desperation and sit there and wait (the doctor is only in London every other week, and wouldn't be there again till March 11).

Plan B worked, and I had 0.25mil out. I've never had such a small adjustment and it will be interesting to see if this solves the problem of my having 0.5mils in, then 0.5mils out; rinse and repeat several times (I hate to think what I've spent on that one half mil. . . .)

Picutres

I've never posted personal pics here, not cos I don't want y'all to see what I look like, but cos I don't want certain people from real life reading this and giving me a load of cr*p - and sadly, yes, I do know people who would do that if they recognised me.

But, having been inspired by some amazing before and after pics from fellow bandsters, I'm going to post anonymised pics. Apologies for not showing my real self, but not everyone I know in real life is as kind, accepting or decent as the bandster community.

Stand by for pics. . .!

Breakfast

My new breakfast food. I've never been very good at having breakfast, esp when my band is tight, but have been making and effort to eat yoghurt since it is supposed to be good for my metabolism to eat in the mornings. Not sure that it will do much to my weight, which has been stubbornly plateaued at 9-11 (137 pounds) for some time.

But to be fair last week was a holiday and I didn't go to the gym at all (waiting on the all clear from my GP) and I did eat more chocolate than I should. . . so what do I expect. Note to self, must try harder.

Wrong link

Oops, the link to Bunny's blog in my penultimate post is wrong, it should be www.weightloss-expedition.blogspot.com

Tight band

Talking of capricious bands, mine has been ok since my last fill, but this morning is very tight. I woke up hungry and wanted something filling, so tried to have some home made (fairly well blended) soup. Nope. It is not going down.


To be fair, I guess, my band is always tighter in the morning and maybe that was a daft thing to try to have for breakfast (I normally only have coffee). So I have given up on the soup and am about to have coffee.

I'm not normally hungry in the mornings, I have most of my calories between 4pm and 10pm most days, so maybe my band likes to keep it that way. Do most bandsters eat breakfast?

Sometimes bands don't work

Catherine over at http://www.chroniclesfrombandland.blogspot.com/ was talking about why the statistics for bandster weight loss are so low

Q: Why do the statistics say that people lose only 50-65% of their excess weight with the band when everyone I know seems to be taking off all of it?



A: That statistic is an average, and it factors in the people who don't lose any weight because they do things like not get a fill or drink milkshakes every day. (Meanwhile, I wish that there was a statistic based on people who actually work their band -- I bet it's closer to 85-90%.)

Her gastric surgeon had some answers. But I do wonder if there are people for whom bands just don't seem to work. I have been banded 2+ yrs and have followed a few blogs where people lose 20 or 30 pounds, and then nothing. They stop blogging, and I never know what happens to them.

Bunny at http://www.weightloss-expedition.blogspot.com/ is someone who has struggled with a broken band, *14* fills or unfills, and yet, three years out is finding it hard to make much progress on her weight loss.

Beki at http://bekisgastricband.blogspot.com/ is someone I followed early on and who was influential in my decision to go to Belgium, but she hasn't moved much since her last post (she's on a forum I'm on and has had regain)

Melondrama is another bandster who seems to have stopped half way: www.melondramas.blogspot.com

And I have another blogger friend who has not lost more than 20 pounds since beeing banded in october 2007 - but her blog is private so I can't link to it.

I realise that people might stop blogging and still have sucess with their bands, but there are a scarily high number of bandsters on http://www.wlsinfo.org.uk/forums/index.php who are really struggling or going for revision to gastric bypass.

What makes the band sucessful for some people, while others struggle? I don't know the answer to that, but I realise that for everyone who does lose most of their excess weight with a band there are others who don't. Which may be why the overall statistics are as low as they are.

One problem which seems to hit the non-losing bandsters (I am trying not to use the word sucessful, since that implies some people have failed, while in reality it may be that the band has failed them, or that it simply wasn't the right thing for them in the first place, or that their "head issues" are too great for a band to work) is that they (and there are a lot of people with this problem on WLSInfo) are either so tight they can barely eat or even drink coffee some days, yet other days they can eat for England without restriction.

Other people don't tolerate restriction; in the sense that they can't accept the limitations a band places on eating.

I guess some people make bad food choices - ultimately, if you can swallow liquids, you can gain weight if you have high calories drinks (or alcohol) too often.

And some people have been plain unlucky and had band slippage, erosion or leaks.

Even with a working band, it is always going to be hard work to maintain my weight loss. I am scared that a year or two down the road I might be in the "no longer losing" category.

Would be interested in anyone's thoughts on this.. . .

Edited to add more links; and to give Catherine's surgeon his correct title.

Slow going

I am not losing weight very fast - sigh. Down to 9 stone 11 and kind of stuck there. I have been snacking on high calorie foods in the evenings, which alas, will go through my band no matter how tight it is, and have stayed stubbornly at the same weight for a week.

Need to try harder.

But I am feeling reasonably positive and hope to shift the scales this week. At least I'm not going upwards :-)

I guess I will always have to battle with my weight - if I blink I'll be back up to 15+ stone !

Sending hugs to the bandsters who are facing possible cancer diagnoses, hope your fears are blown away and that everything is benign.

Major NSV

Well, it was for me. I woke up today feeling miles better, and I wonder if I do need to go to see this surgeon at all, maybe the antibiotics did the trick. .

So I carried on with day two of week three of C25K. And I did it. I managed to run 3 minutes without stopping. I could breath!

I don't think I've done that since I was a pre-teen. Even when I've been on the thinner side of fat, I've never been great with cardio-vascular exercise. 30 yrs since I last comfortably ran like that.

Maybe there is hope for this couch potato yet.!

Official: Exercise if bad for you

Grin, well, bad for me. After the gym last night I was feeling very rough, and by this morning had to make an emergency GP appointment and I have been referred to a gynaecologist for a possible bladder prolapse. Or it could be an aggressive UTI. .

Hope that is not TMI!

The doctor did said it was probably waiting to happen and had not been exactly brought on my running. I am glad I am not obese, since being overweight is one of the things that make this worse.

And I'm glad to have an excuse not to get back to running for a while, but we will see how I get on with the consultant. I haven't seen him since. . for five years. Grin. I hope he doesn't recognise me :-)

This is not my photo :-) Made it to the gym, and struggled through day 1 of week 3 of C25k. I was not having a very good Monday and (don't ask) (I had changed before going out, then got sidetracked thinking I'd packed my bag but hadn't) got to the gym and discovered I had forgotten to pack my bra. I am too self conscious to exercise without it, (it would be dangerous) so I all but packed up and went home.

But instead I rang home and one of the children popped into the gym a few minutes later with one for me.

I was tired working out and glad to finish a fairly brief routine. I have back exercises (you do them on the floor) that I had meant to do, but I was too tired, so I'll do them before bed.

(They are from the Egoscue method, and I've found them quite effective before; when I was heavier. But I do need to do them)

(http://www.bodybalancefunction.co.uk/media/Cycling%20weekly%20September.ex.pdf)

But the cheerful news is that I was 9-13 (or 139lbs) today, so I was happy with that.

Got to keep chipping away.

In case anyone hasn't seen Catherine's blog, she is soooo near goal - I am so excited for her http://chroniclesfrombandland.blogspot.com/)

Monday

This is how I feel. Mondays are never a good day. Work work work housework, work, I'm tired and I need carbohydrates. Or coffee. Or something. Ok I'm a wuss. I have had a horrible bitty sort of day not doing anything properly, and half the time getting nothing done, while getting further behind all the time in the things I am meant to do.



Off to the gym shortly - can't believe I am on week three of the c25k program. Not sure that I'll get past it (and week four looks positively terrifiying) but I suppose I can try. . . The scales at the gym are working again so I get to weigh in tonight and print a little ticket with my weight.

Restriction

(I Googled "tight restriction" and this was my favourite image. Not sure what it is. . . )



I realise I haven't said too much yet about my actual fill. Well, that went as fills have done for me - painless, quick and expensive. This time, I was glad to notice that I didn't bleed for ages afterwards - maybe it is just pot luck if they hit a blood vessel (my knowledge of biology is scanty to say the least - maybe there are no blood vessesls there, I don't know).



I had some water immediately post fill, and bought 500mils of water in a bottle to take home with me (2 hrs on public transport) so that I could gauge how much fluid I was getting down. I knew I would only be able to have fluids for a couple of days. Er well, I knew I was only meant to have fluids, but I am no good at keeping rules.



I managed to get all 500 mls down within three hours, which is good going for me, and encouraged me that my restriction is not too tight.



But having to adjust to "bandster rules" again is not easy, and to be honest since Saturday till about Tuesday was all about "adjusting" and re-learning and I pb'd a few times quite unexpectedly, when I ate too much, too fast or while talking.



On Tuesday I think I began to get more into the swing of things, and managed to have soup while out with friends (up till then I would not eat with or in front of people), so I think I'm getting there.



It did take a few days for my "head hunger" to catch up and I'd find myself reaching for foods (pasta - steak! even ) that I can't eat while tightly restricted, and I just have to admit defeat and put them back in the fridge. When I know they will not go down, and there is no physical possibility of being able to enjoy them, then somehow it is easier to give them up, take them out of the equation and stop worrying about it.



(I wonder whether this means that long term I will struggle to find a happy medium. . .I wonder if there are some foods I am better to never eat, since when I do eat them, I over eat them. Or maybe of course I'll have a happier outcome. Watch this spot!)

Exercise etc

Following the revelation that I'd gained more weight that I wanted while my restriction was loose (less?), I felt more inclined than I have of late to keep going to the gym, and managed to go four days (Monday, Wednesday, Friday *and* Saturday) last week.

I struggled to get through the three sessions of week one (days one, two and three) of the C25K program, but at least I am trying. I just get so breathless after 2o mins of cardio that I don't seem to be able to keep going.
And (I am the world's *best* at making excuses here!) I realise my body is adjusting to a drastic decrease in food and water intake, and I prob don't have a huge amount of energy.

So I am not going to beat myself up for not finishing the whole of the program. (It is only 2o minutes, not 2 hrs. But I did do some more cardio work, cycling afterwards, I just find running quite hard. And I definitely need to get a sports' bra.

Any suggestions for good makes? (When I was fatter I had a huge bust - and now I have lots of spare loose skin, a smaller bust and a large back: I take a UK size 36C now in normal underwear, but it never does seem like the right size. In fact I hate wearing it, cos I have so much loose skin to tuck in and hide away. I guess I need an old fashioned corset rather than a "sports' bra".

Hmm. Or surgery? If I could be sure it wouldn't leave me dead, disfigured or in pain, I'd definitely get some plastics work done. But there are no guarantees. Then I'd have to decide which I'd prefer - a face lift, tummy tuck, liposuction (all over), circumferential body lift, posterior body lift and breast lift with or without augumentation. And that would take some time. . .!

My biggest enemy - when it comes to exercise - is boredom. I don't often give up because of exhaustion or lack of energy or pain or tiredness; it is because I am used to being really busy mentally, and when I have nothing to do but keep running or cycling for half an hour and have no email to check or write, nothing to draft or correct, nothing to read or answer, I get terribly bored.

I haven't got a portable music player (cos I am normally at home and can play all the music I want) and I have found that reading a paperback doesn't really work for me when trying to run. need to borrow one of the children's iPods to see if that helps me.

Friday came at last

Friday came at last and I trekked into London to have a fill. My fill provider (not my original surgeon, but equally competent) weighed me and said that I was a reasonable weight for my size - but when he checked how much weight I'd gained since a defil in November he was almost as horrified as I am, and said "then we have to fix it" (he's Belgian).

I was dithering about how much fill to have back in, since he only took half a mil out in November, but in my experience if you have fill out then back in, you need more in to make you back to where you were restriction-wise, somehow. (If that is accurate then eventually I'll need more fill than my band holds . . hmmmm)

I wondered whether I should have 0.5ml or o.75 ml but my doctor said he'd be happy to give me up to 1.5mls. .. so in the end (since I always think more is better than less) I went for 1 mil. He gave me a glass of water to drink immediately and I swallowed it without difficulty. Well about 50 mils of water, not a whole glass.

So that was good.

I haven't said how much he weighed me in at - I was mortified. I'd gained 12 pounds since seeing him in November. That is scary. Twelve pounds in one month? I do think the (unrelated) meds are accounting for some temporary weight gain there, but none the less, that is a scary amount to gain in less than eight weeks.

I was 148 pounds. Thankfully, some of that might have been water weight, and on Tuesday morning here at home I was only 141 pounds. (I would have weighed myself on the print-it-out machine at the gym on Monday, but the machine was broken)

I really am eating for England just now. Side effect of medication and lack of restriction. Truely horrible. But on the positive side of things it is only 72 hrs till I have a fill. And I managed to do "Day One" of the Couch to 5K" programme at the gym today.

That meant that I was able to run for 60 seconds then walk for 90 seconds for 20 minutes. Yay. Never done *that* before. I can do quite a bit of cycling but running I find hard.

As a complete non-runner, which part of my foot should hit the ground first, on the leg that goes forward: my heel or my toes? I tend to land on my toes and rock back to my heels rathr than landing on my heel and moving forward to my toes.

(Not that it really matters if I never go running again - which is how I feel right now, I am very achey. Long bath would be nice, but I'll settle for an early night. And watching an old episode of the Biggest Loser)

(Does anyone in the UK have an iPod or phone that they can watch movies on? I get so *bored* exercising!) (I know you can get them in the USA)

Finally made it back to the gym. I had this crazy idea that I might try to couch to 5 km project. I really am NOT a natural exerciser and I spend most of my life in front of the laptop, or the TV.



I joined a gym in July and was fairly good at going 2 - 3 times a week, but mostly did cycling or stretching or even power walking. Running is so NOT me. Well, I tried. Today I was meant to do 90 seconds walking, followed by 60 seconds jogging, etc for 20 minutes.



I lasted for ten minutes, by which time my bust had bounced up and hit me in the face so often I probably have two black eyes (seriously, I need a serious sports' bra); my face was purple, my heart rate was over 170 and I started to get pains in my chest. I don't think it was heart pain :-) but maybe my band was hurting?



So I stopped. I only did half of the first day of C25K - oh well, looks like it is going to take me longer than nine weeks. . . but my buzz word for this year is "COMMITTMENT" so I am going to try again either tomorrow or Weds.



Then I did some rather tame cycling and walking on a machine that has each leg going uphill at separate times; before collapsing into the hot tub and steam room; and wound up with two sunbed sessions.



And came home exhausted!



I also - not sure where I picked up the idea - decided that once week on a Monday, wearing a towel and with wet hair, I will weigh myself on the gym scales that give me printout of my weight, height and BMI. Good news is that my BMI was 22.6. Weight was higher than I'd like, but there is always next week. I'm going to keep the printouts and glue them into a scrapbook



(If you are starting out in your WLS journey, this might be a neat thing to do, wish I'd kept mine from earlier)



Have a good week, blogsters :-)

I have decided that I am not going to weigh myself until I get weighed for my fill. I really do not have any restriction (or not much) and I am resigned to putting on a few pounds. Hopefully I'll get it off again easily once I'm filled.

I better!

I am trying to make better choices with food, but two things are hampering me (notice how good I am at excuses :-)) (1) I am really hungry. Like stomach-growling hunger. That didn't used to happen to me at all, pre band I never waited that long to eat (grin) and post band I didn't get like that. Not sure if it is to do with so little restriction, but my stomach gurgles and groans and rumbles a lot now.

(2) I'm on some unrelated medication which threatens that some might gain weight as a side effect. Sigh, I think I am one of them.

But I'm staying positive, and hopefully will get back to the gym *soon* now that the snow has cleared up.

Enjoying reading everyone's blogs - Dinnerland glad you are back open for business; Bunny, you've been away for a week, hope you are ok.

Dinnerland

Hi, not sure why your blog has gone private, hope you are ok, and if you would be happy for me to read, you can invite me via bandster@ntlworld.com

I'm still struggling a bit with too many carbs and not enough restriction - and not enough exercise. *Bad* combination. But not long till Jan 23rd and my fill.

Snowed in

Due to the snow in London, I wasn't able to get to my fill appointment today; so will have to wait another two weeks. Not too disappointed, I really didn't want to go out in this weather. It's been quite rough (for England: I know it is quite mild compared to North America)

I hope I don't gain too much weight while waiting.

Compulsive eating

Not sure what is wrong with me (though I know my band is too loose and I'm getting a fill soon) but apart from that - I seem to be going crazy. I just want to eat and eat and eat. Not just food, but chocolate, junk, slider foods (chips, cheese and chocolate being my favourites)

I am trying, I really am, I start the day sensibly, I drink lots of water, I do ok till about 3pm, then I start to eat; and I eat for England. I don't pb (unless I eat sthg stupid too fast), but I eat and eat and eat and eat. . .

And I'm frankly terrified.

I dunno if it is a hormonal thing . . .or am I stressed? Or is it winter? Or depression?

Help!!! I've not eaten like this for a long time (like when I used to be obese)

I am trying all the standard things like keeping my hands busy, distracting myself, going for walks, baths, reading books, cheering myself up with other things, but heck, I dunno what is going on, I am eating everything in sight.

There has to be a reason; and I am going to find it, and whack it over the head. The weird thing is that my stomach often rumbles with hunger, so it's not like my stomach is full - it's sometimes empty (and a rumbly - tummy is not something that I have normallly experienced - yet the last ten days or so I feel it several times a day). Yet there is no way I need the food I'm grabbing. I would be embarassed to say what I've eaten today, so I won't.

But I'm going to sort this. Reductil (Meridia) here I come (if necessary, I'll try *anything* legal to keep my weight normal)

(No flames please!)

Question of the week

Do you think our bodies are programmed to put on fat over the winter? (From the days when food was scare and the world was cold and there was no central heating or grocery stores?)

Would be interested in any thoughts on that.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to everyone in Bandster-BlogLand. I am still battling with little to no restriction, and the huge amount of snackable slider foods around the house, so am not doing too well weight wise. Haven't gotten on the scales this week, but will soon (honest!)

People on various blogs are talking about having "one word" to sum up their approach to 2010. For some it is adventure; others (http://carasquest.blogspot.com/) focus. I think my word for 2010 had to be "committment". Starting what I finish. Making more effort to be consistent. Committing to the bandster way of life for good, not just for a while.

I think I must have the world's worst will power. I have so many good intentions about healthy eating or exercise, but none of them seem to come to much. Bunny over at http://weightloss-expedition.blogspot.com/ has been giving up on additives esp MSG and that is making a huge difference to how she feels as well as her weight. While it seems like a great idea in theory, I find the thought of doing all that home cooking exhausting.

Maybe I have chronic fatigue or something. More like chronic laziness :-/

My thyroid continues to be unstable and I'm due for more blood tests this month. And my HRT which I'd been stable on for years has been stopped. Not by my GP, but the manufacturers no longer make it, and the substitute I've been given is rubbish. So need to go back and discuss with my doctor.

Have a fill coming up in the next week (hoooooooray) and look forward to getting back on track. Even if it means sipping hot water thru a straw for a few days (as I've had to do in the past)

I did manage a couple of sessions at the gym, (go me!) and hope to go again soon. Will post my weight once I've dared to get on to the scales.