Not impressed

I guess I thought I'd be doing better by now, but I have since gotten up to 9-6point 8, then hovering around 9-5 and 9-5 point 8 which I was this morning.

I'm absolutely terrified of putting on weight. If I don't lose weight two weeks in a row, then I am in trouble. I feel like I am in trouble.

I need to lose a bit more weight.

My dentist wants to start some work, but won't start until I agree that my weight loss has stopped and that my weight will remain stable

I really really really want to lose another stone before I decide this is where I am happy to be. But weight is coming off so slowly - or not at all, in the last few weeks.

Back to basics
Back to basics
Back to basics

I know what I have to do, it is just doing it that is hard!

Had to post this

Had to post this picture.

But look at my ankles???? What do I do??

Do you think liposuction would work?

More reflections on the past

In 1999 I'd been dieting all my life. Can't remember when I first started using Slim Fast, but in 1999 I splashed out £18-99 on something called "Fat Magnets" - Chitosan.

I remember asking the very slim shop assistant if they worked and she just looked down her nose at me and said "I wouldn't know" with as much distaste as she could muster. I was 12 stone 6, BMI 27. Hardly disgustingly fat.

It didn't work.

About a year later and a stone heavier hit on the idea of eating prepacked (and not cheap!)Weightwathchers Ready Meals.

Didn't lose much weight

In May 2002, weight 194 pounds ( or 13 stone 12) I finally cracked and bought Xenical Online. Cost me a fortune (can't remember now, but they weren't cheap at all).

I remember the relief flooding over my whole body when I realised that I was finally going to be thin. The battle was finally over, it was not longer up to me or to will power. A lttle blue pill was going to fix it)

If only it were that simple. There are no easy ways to fight obesity.

WOW

I know I'll probably go up a little again, but today I was shocked and delighted to be NINE STONE FIVE (point 2) POOUNDS.

That is very very very light for me; and gets me with 3 lbs of the weight I was when I got married nearly 19 yrs ago.

No other diet or weight loss program has ever taken me near this. (Well I did get down to 9-3 15 yrs ago, but then I'd only got up to 11stone to start with at that point, and it didnt' last long) (checked my diary: on 6th April 1994 was down to 9 stone 6; not 9-3)

So I am now lighter than I was nearly 15 yrs ago

I thought I'd have gained weight cos my eating has not been great - pistachio nuts for protein; tortilla chips and dip cos I like it, lots and lots of water, and the odd glass of wine or bar of chocolate. Combined with a fair bit of food not staying down I guess

Not the healthy option.but worth it for the magic numbers on the scale.

Starting exercise next week; a little nervous; more than a lttle. Scared I'll collapse through being so unfit, or faint cos I have low blood pressure. And irrationally that I'll put on weight cos muscle weighs more than fat; though I doubt I can gain that much muscle. And that I'll be hungrier after exercise and therefore eat more and gain weight.

It is just hard to believe that I am actually this thin. . .

Update

My laptop is playing up - the touch pad is not working and my "old" mouse (which was a new improved version) isn't working either. But I pinched a mouse from one of the kids' PCs and here I am

Since I last posted my weight went up to 9-10.8, then down again last night (yay!) to 9-7.6, so I am slowly moving down. Not sure that I'll lose much this month, but every little helps.

My restriction is mostly quite good. Or bad, I mean severe. I don't often go out so I am usually at home and pbing doesn't mean too much, it's not a big deal.

Went away for the night to a friend's house, and realised how often I need to be careful or I *would* pb. Thankfully she knows about my op and didn't worry when I excused myself to the bathroom once or twice. But I didn't manage to eat a lot while I was there.

Makes me realise that if I kept off snacks and grazing (she's a three meals day and no snacks type) I'd lose weight a lot more quickly.

I'm pleased how much weight I've lost, but no idea how much weight I'd like to lose eventually. I also have no idea how I am going to cope with getting to the maintenance stage of a gastric band.

And I know I have to up my exercise a lot.

Woo Hoooooo!

This morning, no clothes on, I was nine stone nine point four pounds. That is lighter than I've been for years and years and years.

Seems like another psychological barrier has gone, getting below 9-1o/9-11, both which seemed to me like I was about to shoot up to ten stone again any minute.

I know from past experience it is two steps forward, one back; so maybe tomorrow I'll be 9-10 or 9-11 again, but I hope I am slowly inching my way towards goal.

Excited? Yes. I am irrationally thrilled at losing a few ounces. Which is all it is really, a pound is only 16 ounces. But it means a lot to me to be 135+ pounds.

Wow, better than 212 which is the highest I think I got to. (15 stone 3)

I love my gastric band :-))))))))))))))

A picture

Taken at night. Nine stone 12 point 4 pounds. ( 138.4lbs) (62.5kg)

Maybe tomorrow morning it will be better

But don't I have such horribly fat ankles? (:-((( )

BMI 22.1

I still feel fat. I still am fat.

Dec 27th

I am a couple of days overdue in posting this, but with it being the holidays etc, lots of food and cooking and children and work, I've not had a chance.

This morning I was 9 stone 13 (in fact if I did my best to wobble to one side slightly and breathed out I could get down to 9 stone 12.8, but I think I pretty much am 9-13.

Which is good, since altho I hit 9-13 about ten days ago I instantly went up to 10-01 or 10 stone, I hope this is me fixed at 9-13 for the time being. Until I get lighter of course.

Huh, if it only it were that simple. I feel fairly dispirited sometimes since I do overeat, and even when I don't, I still want to, and if I do, I suffer (stomach hurts right now - I didn't chew something properly, and it won't come up or go down. Just stuck and sore right now. Should go down - or come up - eventually. Serves me right. I should know better by now)

Nearly Jan 1st - hope I've lost five pounds at least this month, that is the statistical average for a bandster with good restriction, but it does depend on how much chocolate and junk one eats.

Been trying to work out why losing weight is easier some days than others. Saturdays are normally my worst days - we have a lot of junk food to eat (it's our junk food day :-) and I tend to graze and eat too much and then pb too much.

Sundays are always good days cos I stick to fluids, pretty much all day, cos my stomach hurts from Saturday. Then the rest of the week can be good or bad, depending.

I tend not to eat at all in the mornings or much in the afternoons, but come the evenings I can eat for England. And often do. Is it boredom? Habit? or real hnger? I dont' yet know, but I hope to work out.

Updating

Trying to follow the example of some other lap band patients, I should update once a week.

Today I didn't weigh myself. Didn't want to, cos I've felt really bloated and haven't been to the loo for a day or two (on going issues, never been regular) and I knew I'd be heavier, so didn't.

(Anyway I like to weigh myself naked in the mornings and it has been so cold lately I didn't want to get completely undressed in one go - you know, you whip off your jama bottoms, into tights, leggings and a thick skirt; then brace yourself to bare your chest for a moment before three more layers of clothes go on - I have baths/showers at night, but won't weigh myself then in case I am heavier)

I am always heavier at night, is everyone?

Last weigh in I was 140.1 lbs. I was annoyed cos two days before I had been 139.4 lbs and didn't feel I'd had a particularly bad two days.

So all in all, no weigh in today.

Tomorrow? Maybe? Is Friday ever a good day for a weigh in?

I haven't eaten too much today - cup a soup x 2, Cambridge Diet x 2 and tortilla chips and dip x not too many. Also a couple of cups of coffee in the morning.

Really pleased cos I've hardly pb'd at all today - once this morning when drinking coffee - I am v tight in the mornings and have sip sip sip slowly slowly slowy; and again when making dh's supper I grabbed some slow cooked chicken (knowing I shouldn't) and bleugh, up it came 30 seconds later.

Will try to update more often

H x xx

Statistics

These are from the forum:

1st July 12.4
1st August 12.2 (lost 2lbs)
1st September 11.8 (lost 8lbs)
1st October 11.1 (lost 7lbs)
1st November 10.8 (lost 7lbs)

**1st December 10.4** (lost 4lbs)

Last fill in June, but in August and Sept I was on the Cambridge Diet; hence the weight loss. Need to get back on track.



Can you see the pattern when myband is loose

CHERITH

Hi, sorry didn't see your comment till now. My experience has been that a tight fill usually loosens over the first week or so. I wouldn't rush into a defill so long as you can get fluids down. I know some people can't and do need to go to ER/ A&E, but time sorts most tight bands out.

By now I hope you are more comfortable.

http://www.wlsinfo.org.uk/forums/index.php gives lots of support and advice. There is another support group at
http://www.obesity-solutions.co.uk/forum/

Hope all works out, do you have a blog (couldn't access your profile)

Love
H x x x

Another update

December 12th here. Two more days till my oppiversary. And today I was 141.2 pounds. So I am slowly losing weight. But it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I really am not able to eat much proper food.

In the mornings I can hardly get hot water down, or coffee or slimfast. Not really. Very hot water in sips. During the day I don't get much down, but in the evenings I can snack or maybe eat very soft fish or pasta.

But judging by the scales, most of what goes into my mouth doesn't get into my digestive system. So is that a good thing?

Yes cos I am lighter, much lighter, than a year ago. But I do wonder how healthy I am. I'm anemic, pale and tired, and a lot of food issues still bugging me.

I wish I could be a normal person with normal eating habits, three meals a day, five a day fruit and veg, lots of exercise, etc. etc.

But I am not. I am who and what I am. But at least I am a lot thinner than I used to be. And that matters to me.

But where will I be in a year's time?

Slowdown

Since last post (more than 2 wks) I;ve not really lost any weight, in fact I hover around between 144 and 146 then back to 144 lbs again. I am not sure why this is, maybe because it is cold and miserable and I am comfort eating.

Or because inside I feel that 10 stone 4 is an acceptable weight, so have mentally taken the brakes off and am eating too much. Not too much at one time, the band makes sure of that, but too much too often of the wrong food and I'll be back up to 15 stone before I know it.

So I am looking forward to a fill. The immediate tightness for the first few weeks after a fill means that I become much more aware of everything I try to put in my stomach. Hopefully it will be a deterrent to nibbling on all the seasonal goodies around just now.

I can't believe it

Ten stone four pounds.

One more pound and I will have lost five stone from my highest pre op weight. Wow. I still don't feel particularly thin, in fact I amn't particularly thin. Just a lot thinner than I was.

Another week gone

I got down to 10 stone 7 during the week, but haven't weighed in the last couple of days, cos I fear I've put some weight on: have been eating too much. Gave my stomach a rest on Sunday and just had hot drinks (easier to do when we have a quiet day at home)

Update

Haven't written in ages since I have been away (in New York, no less) for two weeks, and didn't manage to weigh myself once the whole time.

The day I left I'd gone up to 11stone again (have been fluctuating around 10-12 to 11 for a while), but wasn't too bothered. At least I wasn't *fat* going on holiday, well, not that fat.

Enjoyed the trip, mostly, tho Americans (apologies for the generalisation) seem to eat a lot. There are fast food places everywhere and a lot of very very obese people around. Portion sizes are lot bigger and food is cheaper, more plentiful and more attractive.

So it is just as well I have a gastric band. My band is loser than it's been in a while, I need to get it tightened; but even so, it helped a lot, self control wouldn't have worked on its own.

I was a bit aware of being annoyed that I couldn't tuck into big portions (or any portion at all, depending on the food) at times, but life should be about more than food, and I tried to focus on other things.

I was probably more active than I am at home too, going out and about almost every day for 14 days, compared to being home a lot here.

I couldn't weigh myself, but I could tell by my clothes that I hadn't put on (much) weight (it always goes on round my tummy first, and my skirts get tight), but when I weighed myself back home today I was delighted to see I am down to 10 stone 10. So I lost 4 pounds in two weeks, despite all the food, full-cream coffee and cookies, etc I ate.

Now I need to think about my next fill; and think about the "comfort" or "boredom" eating that I have been doing at home for the past 30 yrs. . . .

Another pound down

Yes, another pound off. Sounds silly that it makes me so excited, but I am now 10 stone 12.2 pounds (or 152.2 lbs)

All the way from 15-3 (or 14-8 day of operation).

Weight loss so far: 60 pounds in total

Defamation and the media

My surgeon, Chris De Bruynne was trashed in today's BBC news. I only saw it on line, was too upset to watch it on TV

I trusted this guy with my money and my life, and he has saved me both. I'd trust him again any time with my life; and I feel heartily sick that he's been portrayed the way he has.

Ok, to be fair, I've never found him particularly personable, jokey or easy going. He comes across as a rather solemn/serious family oriented surgeon who believes that obesity is an illness he can help cure.

He has NEVER tried to make lots of money out of me, or take lots of money from me (unlike a few other WLS providers). He isn't maybe great company; but he IS a great surgeon; and I totally believe he believes in what he does

I feel sick sick sick that the British media try to portray him this way. May he never know or care. And may God protect him. No decent doctor deserves this media-attack. And he is a decent doctor, even if English is only his third language; and maybe he isn't a great "people person"

Who cares? I wanted and got, a caring and competent surgeon; and one who went well beyond the call of duty when I developed complications. And who "absorbed the extra costs" (ie I was never charged for the emergency theatre team, the blood transfusion, the extra night in hospital. He was. He never asked me for a cent/dime/penny)

I did it!!!!!

I am finally under 11 stone

10 stone 13.8 pounds as of this morning.

It felt weirdly wonderfully strange to be under 11 stone. I can't remember when I was last that weight (4 yrs ago I got down to about 11 - 5ish briefly - yet another mad crash diet); but under 11?

Probably at least ten yrs.

I'm scared I'll put it all back on. Very very scared, since I have been a yo yo dieter all my life, since I was about 13 yrs old (neary 30 yrs ago)

This has been the longest time I've ever kept on losing. OK I had a blip in the summer when I had to have a defill and regained weight (around a stone or a bit less),but other than that I've been slowly (very slowly sometimes) battling away and chipping away at this excess weight.

Maybe one day I'll be thin. But for now, I'll settle for being thinner than I was.

Funny how half a pound can make me feel so GOOOOOOD. I guess it's a case of breaking another psychological barrier.

I'll tell you now, I can't imagine ever being under ten stone. Under eleven is pretty good. Under ten is beyond belief. (Good to have a goal in mind)
****
I am off on two weeks holiday to the USA soon. I do wonder how I will do, esp since my band is relatively loose; and there will be sooooo much food around. I'm scared I'll regain a lot; but I will be on guard, I hope.

And my band should provide a safety net/brake for my natural habits (which are to eat, eat and over eat)

Slimming magazines

I picked a slimming magazine up at the checkout a week ago. It has sat, un-read, in my intray until now.

Reading it, I feel like yelling "weight loss surgery!!!" at the top of my voice. People (women) write in, morbidly obese, dieting for the 27th time, having lost 3 stone but still having 10 stone to go; having lost 3 stone then regained four; having battled weight since the age of six, etc

It is sad. Sad that obesity isn't seen as an illness, and instead is seen as a lack of character, personality defect, personal failing, or just proof that some of us are "born plain greedy" (as my mother in law once said about me :-( )

I really wish these magazines would stop peddalling "fat block" pills or "appetite depressants" - which have absolutely no medical or scientific value. The adds pages are full of such nonsense.

Yes, the magazine has the usual "inspiring articles" about how Ms SoandSo lost x stone on the blue and red diet" while "Mrs SuchandSuch lost x stone on the green and yellow diet".

No long term follow up. And I bet very few long term losers (I mean winners)

I used to read these magazines almost daily, somehow believing that if I could and would only make the effort, then I too could lose two pounds a week and reach weight loss heaven in however long it might take.

Plenty organisations ready to take my money . . . and I really believed that diets and self control were the way forward.

Well, yes, diet and self control IS the way forward. But not the only way. Thank GOD for weight loss surgery. And for organisations that help promote WLS and promote information (esp WLS Info Forums)

End of the month

Well, another month has come and gone. Only 2.5 months till I hit my 2bandiversary" - December 14th. I certainly don't regret having it done but it has changed my eating habits substantially.

My band has for some unknown reason, loosened since I last posted, so that I am able to eat a bit more. I'm still no good at eating real food; can't stop when I am full, so am still trying to avoid food as mch as possible.

The Cambridge Diet is keeping me going nutrition wise and I am slowly losing more weight. I've also started gentle exercise, using my exercise bike for about half an hour a day when watching TV. But I do find it exhausting.

This morning I was 154.8 pounds. Only 0.9 of a pound to go and I'll be uder 11 stone :-))))

Good question

Thanks for the comments.

Good question: why am I in such a rush to lose weight? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe because I don't believe that real life will ever allow me to be thin; only crash diets, food deprivation etc. I am scared of being myself, eating what I want etc, cos I know where that has got me over the last 20 yrs.

Lots to think about

Another post Sept 20th

Not sure that last post (not the liver one) was v coherent, I was trying to write it with my kids milling around and I didn't get a chance to concentrate.

Briefly; I am glad I am losing weight.

But I am only losing weight because food has become virtually a non-issue in my life. I now love watching food programmes, but I only watch them in the abstract; I know I can't eat food; so there is no point in craving it.

I do snack now and again, but never very much or it comes back up

I've managed to stop eating to the point of being sick, most of the time; that means in effect I can't eat meat, fish, eggs, or vegetables (not to mention cakes, biscuits, pies). I can manage tiny amounts of nuts or ice cream or crisps. But I really amn't eating food.

I'm surviving on CDiet and cup a soup,and occasional white wine.

The weight loss is great; but what am I going to do when real life kicks in again. Is this just the ultimate in crash dieting? I don't trust myself for a minute; if my band was loosened I'd overeat immediately.

I miss the comfort of food, and am trying to work ways round it that don't involve alcohol or salty snacks like bombay mix or crisps. (even tho I only eat small amounts, these are high calorie foods)

Tho I make meals for the family I never join in. This way of life can't last for ever.

So is my band working? Yes for weight loss. But no for normality. I never thought it would make me like this. I am scared that if my BMI gets below 25 I won't be able to use the Cambridge Diet any more - then what will I do for nutrients?

Yes I am losing weight; but my hopes of retraining my habits to eat small healthy meals are out the window. So far.

I would like to lose another 3 stone. I should manage it by Christmas if I don't get my band loosened; and so long as I keep off snacks and wine.

Am I glad I had the band? Yes yes and yes. Today I did a wardrobe clear out and got rid of big baggy size 22 tops and skirts. And I fitted in again to clothes I nevr thought I would.

My 17 yr old son said rather surprisedly to me "you really have lost weight . . ." (I was flattered he noticed).

Another thing: I really am not that hungry most of the time. I think the CD has me in ketosis, where you get more energy and less hungry. But a couple of glasses of wine and I do like to nibble. But I can't nibble too much.

I feel like the "bandster rules" about chewing slowly, not eating with food, stopping when I am full, etc, don't really apply to me, since I don't eat food.

Where will it all end? I dunno. But I am happy for now. But a the same time I think this experience/my journey has been very different from any I've ever read.

{edited to say: to lose 3 stone by Christmas I'd have to lose 3lbs a week. That ought to be possible,but watch this space for me falling by the wayside and upping my liquid calories and high cal snacks. Noooo! I don't want to do that.}

1282

Liver disease

Came across this recently and thought it was interesting, given how most obesity surgeons like us to try to shrink our livers pre op. Looks like we do our livers a great service by having ops and losing weight.

Obesity is now the major cause of liver disease

Update

Didn't realise I hadn't updated for so long. As far as weight goes I am going in the right direction. Last weight was 8th September, 11 stone 6. Now, Sept 20th, I am 11-2.



So yes, in a way my band is working. But on the other hand I m not really eating any food. I am very thankful for the CD, since at least I know I'm not getting malnourished. When I say I am not eating, I mean I don't have meals. I never sit at the table to eat. I do snack off and on - crisps like Pringles or Doritos I can manage, along with dip, soft cheese, and sometimes chocolate. And cup a soups.



But it is ages since I tried to eat a meal - and there is no way I'd cope in a social situation where I had to eat a full scale plate of food.



I'm really glad I'm losing weight, but I do realise that altho I may have lost weight, I have NOT lost my weight problem.



I simply can't do comfort eating, so I have to be careful not to switch to comfort drinking instead; too many calories in white wine. I've taken up watching food shows on TV; that is seriously funny. I never was very interested in cooking previous to my band, I snacked a lot, ate a lot of bread, cheese, takeaways, but I was never a serious cook.

Now I watch food programmes avidly, all the time knowing I can't eat anything they show. Weird, huh?
And thanks for the comments

Still today

1st of September. I've lost 18kg since surgery. In 37+ weeks I've lost 39lbs.

Hmmm, hardly record breaking. But look on the bright side of things, at least I'm going the right way.

Is anyone out there?

Does anyone read this any more? Should I give up and make it a private blog? If you stop by, please comment :-)

UPDATE

I've been on the Cambridge Diet for the last few weeks. Not exclusively : - 0 I manage to add in enough extras to keep me from losing much weight.

I had a really good few days last week and thought I might have moved down from 11.11 or 11.12 which I was pretty much stuck at, but no joy. Went up to 11.13

That sort of news depresses me and I spent the weekend being a bit less careful. But this morning I was only 11.8 - JOY! I don't know how that happened, but I am glad it did. Maybe I was retaining fluid.

Onward and downward. I don't really know how much difference my band is making. I can eat little bits of everything and I do eat too much of little bits too often. But at least it stops me pigging out completely.

Doestn't seem fair that I have to have a band AND the Cambridge Diet in order to lose weight. But hey, I'd do anything to lose weight, so I'm glad I've been motivated enough.

I'm back to taking reductil too. Hmmm, that might explain the weight loss. Certainly explains the expenses :-/

On reflection

Things possibly aren't as bad as they seem :-) I have lost 5 - 7 lbs in the last month, and in the last couple of weeks have got my eating more under control. I just try not to think about real food and drink my slim fast or CD sachets.

I feel like I am constantly on a diet, but at least I am getting somewhere, compared to the nowhere I'd been for the last couple of yrs.

A band is not a magic wand. It's not even a magic band. But every little helps

Sorry if this blog sounds so whingey and depressed, I am trying to be honest with weight and how it affects my life.

But the days I move down 0.3 of a pound I feel quite positive.

I also found photos of me from this time last yr, and I was shocked at how fat I was (and I never keep the really awful fat pictures; I must have thought at the time I looked ok)

I definitely look better. I havent 'arrived, but hopefully I'll keep going in the right direction.

Slowly inching down

Well, I don't know about inches cos I don't measure. But I am slowly moving two steps down and one back up the scale. Lowest recently is 11.11, but today (after a very good day yesterday I was 11.13 - I think I probably didn't drink enough water)

Am on the Cambridge Diet most of the time since I can't eat real food hardly at all, and at least I'm getting nutrition down me. That's become more important since I noticed my hair is getting thin

Swimming Pt2

The worst happened. I was playing around with my 9 r old and he or I knocked into another woman with a child (it couldn't have been a major splash cos I didn't notice) and she let of a mouthful of abuse at me.

I stared open mouthed, about to apologise (cos fat people always apologise, even when it's not their fault) and she yelled at me again; and beckoning to everyone around her said "she nearly ***** knocked me out".

Changed my mind about apologising, but got out of the water quickly because I didn't want to respond. I was pretty upset, all par for the course right now. Low self esteem and overweight and nasty people aren't a good combination.

Swimming

I've agreed to go swimming with dh and the kids this afternoon. What have I done? Admittedly I have a specially imported-from-Australia sun protection swim suit which covers me from elbows to knees; so I don't look tooooo awful.

But I look about 5 months pregnant; and won't be doing any swimming, just standing around in the baby pool with the little boys while everyone looks at me.

Oh well, what is the worst that can happen?? (I meet someone I know??)

More of the same

Havent' posted in ages. Shame on me. Not losing weight Not gained any more, 12-3 to 12 -5 ish. I am eating garbage, and pbing like mad (if you ever want to scare anyone, eat beetroot b4 u pb, it comes back up looking like blood!)

Fill next week I think. Not sure it will help since I cna't basically eat any food without throwing up and am putting weight on cos I drink too much calorific fluids.

This will be the first UK fill - would go to Belgium (I love getting away) but my passport is being renewed at the Passport and Identity service

not sure

Not sure what is going on. Slept all day yesterday and this morning was 12-1.8; but is that simply because I am dehydrated from not eating or drinking all day

Saturday I ate quite a bit and was sick masses. So I probably am dehydrated. But 12. 2 is better than 12.6 or whatever I was the other day. Hmmm. Should start takin reductil/xencial again maybe.

Or get my jaw wired or stomach removed all together or sent to a third world prison. But even then I'd probably stay fat

Why it isn't working

I can eat very little solid food. But I can drink soup and I do; and altho I hated it previously, I've started drinking banana flavoured milk. Both of which can be full of calories. I am not active, so I think in order to maintain weight I can eat max 800 cals a day. To lose weight I need a very low calorie diet. Or I could do more exercise, but I am permanently exhausted and depressed feeling, and just can't make the effort.

I knw 12.5 stone isn't the end of the world, but for me it feels disgusting.

Going backwards now

I have put on weight since my last fill - only 3 or 4 lbs but that is enough to totally depress me. I am not eating a lot of solid food, but the easy to swallow calories are getting to me. And I am not active enough either but I am tired and fat and depressed.

I've arranged a fill for next month, but I guess I can cancel it at the last minute. It doesn't seem the right thing to do, since I can basically not eat any real food, or anything that isn't liquid. So tightening my band is only going to stop more liquids going down, not food.

But maybe that is what I need.

And - nightmares - I have been persuaded against my will (long story) to go to the USA on holiday in the autumn, and I so do not want to be fat and ugly when I go. But the tickets are booked and the time is ticking away.

Where has my motivation gone?

There is a depresssing thread on the WLSInfo forum about how much weight people have lost with band, and I reckon I come bottom of the losers. That is, I have lost less weight than anyone has with a comparable time since their operation.

It didn't work. I know that part of the problem is that I am at home all day and can eat all day. If I was stuck with 3 meals a day I'd be great, but since I can eat a little constantly, I do, and am not going to get below 12.5.

I don't suppose they do jaw wiring any more. . and even if they did it wouldn't work for me.

Dead slow stop

Getting nowhere. It is the summer now; the summer that last December when I had my op I thought I'd be into a size 14 and happy and healthy and coping and not sweating my life out when I moved.

Instead I am still fat.

6 + months after my banding, I am not losing much weight. I'm pretty much stalled between 12 and 12 and a half stone.

It's better than I was, but I've not reallly lost any weight since last fill. I don't have any real restriction, unless I gobble food down too fast, or forget to chew; I can eat most things.

Sometimes some of it comes back up, but mostly not. Mostly it just keeps going down. Some days I'm up a pound or two or others down a pound or two. But I ain't losing.

It's really affected my self esteem badly; since I have gained 8lbs from my lowest post op weight.

Just had my wedding anniversary and I'm massively horribley fatter than I was then. I can see dh wondering if it was worth the money.

For today, my band is useless. It stops me eating like a normal person, but still I manage to get enough calories down not to lose any weight. I know it is my own fault, like not being able to stick to a diet is my own fault too.

Was it worth it? I dunno. Not convinced. I still look and feel really fat and uncomfortable. I still don't remotely have normal eating habits.

Fickle things, bands

Now Tuesday following my fill on Friday. Saturday I didn't eat much - soup, fish pie and more soup. Sunday was the same; Monday I tried to eat a bit more and ended up being quite sick quite a lot. So I really am not sure how much food stayed down.

Today I decided I'd wait as long as possible before eating in the morning (since I get up at 6am that isn't hard), so as to give my stomach a rest after being sick on Monday.

But at nearly midday I am not keeping water down, or at least not much of it. How peculiar, considering I was eating, fish, soup, pasta, etc earlier on.

My previous fills have started off tight then got looser; this one seems to have started off looser and got tight.

Hmmmm.

Maybe I don't need to see CDB next month after all.

Update

This will be quick since it is late and I am v tired.

Got to Melsbroek, met someone from the WLSInfo forum in the waiting room and Dr Chris put 0.75 mils back in my band. He refused to give me the whole 1 cc back (whinge whinge) saying that I'd had inflamation round my band in May, which is why he took it out. He didn't remember and I didn't like to say, that that was because I'd been ill and vomitting (non WLS related).

(Campanille from a distance)

I got back to the Campanille and managed to eat most of a piece of grilled salmon, but definitely no rice. The restriction is back, tho prob not as much as it could be.

(Brussels Central Station)

He warned me I might have heartburn or coughing in the night - after watching the football (what an *amazing match* ) game between Turkey and Croatia, I went to bed and slept like a baby.

I had a cup a soup for breakfast and felt fine, so long as I drank it slowly, and during the day had another cup of soup and a bottle of water.

(English - or maybe Scottish - man playing bagpipes outside some impressive cathedral - complete with motor bike and statue!)

When I finally got home tonight, I tried some fish in cheese sauce, but really only ate the sauce - pb'd a little fish.

Have to say, my pb'ing is not like other people's - no pain at all, no feeling of choking or golf balls or horses sitting on my chest: I just burp quietly and spit into a napkin (I've done this in public and no one has noticed - or they've thought I was blowing my nose or sthg :-)

(Grand Place)

I had a good trip to Brussels and will post more photos next week, God willing.

but for now, I am tired and need to go to sleep.

The bad news from last night was that I had gained 4.5kg in 4 weeks. (10lbs in English).

Making my net loss at 27 weeks post op, 11kg.

Not remotely impressive. Am I the slowest looser ever to have a band?

I realise I need to look at this as a long haul weight reduction program; not a crash diet.

Hope my restriction holds - I've definitely been tighter than this, I can drink a cup of water no bother, and swallow pills (after previous fills I couldn't). I'm scared it will loosen up in the next week or so and I'll be back to gaining weight.

(Normally after fills I can only manage clear fluids for a week or so, then it loosens)

Interesting chat with the lady in the waiting room, who said that she had had a "sweet spot", had to have a defill for unrelated surgery, regained weight, and that her previous level of restriction was now too tight for her. Theory being once you have a defill, things don't go back to where they were before. . .

Failure

Well, the CD doesn't work for me. Haven't updated this in ages cos since having 1 cc out of my band I've gained 7 or 8 pounds. I think I have stopped gaining now, but I am not sure - waaaahhh

It depresses me so much I just don't want to think about it and have been avoiding the scales like mad. And avoiding posting here.

My self esteem has taken a bit of a knocking, since clothes that were looking nice on me are now too tight again.

And today, to add insult to injury I went to the hairdresser. She totally and utterly messed up my hair, leaving me looking like a goth with white streaks (normally I have pale brown wavey sort of hair, not black and white stripes); I felt totally humilated by her,she didn't seem to listen to me or take any notice of what I said; and I nearly howled when I saw it when I got home.

I have straggly black hair now; with optional brown and grey patches where she missed. Help. How soon can I get to Boots and dye it back a normal colour? Or will it all fall out if I dye it twice in one week?

Might have to take to wearing a hat. This is no joke. Weight gain and a bad hair month?

Not fair.

Cambridge Diet

I finally (after years of sort of trying it by buying it from friends or ebay) went to a CD counsellor and got a week's supply of the Cambridge Diet.

I am not sure that I will use it as a sole source, but it will hopefully help me sometimes to avoid more calorific choices. And nutritionally it should be better for me than Cadbury's Highlights or Cup a Soup.

I am scared to get on the scales.

The difference 1 mil makes

I am now far more able to eat than I was and scared stupid that I'll put on weight. Nothing seems too hard to eat if I eat it slowly; and I am a dreadful grazer.

I can't believe how different my stomach feels since he took the 1 mil out - it feels like I hardly have a band at all. Oh no oh no! It is going to be hard work - hard hard work to stop myself gaining weight while the inflamation goes down and I can have more fill put in.

More of Brussels

A group of people gathered round the tourist attraction "Mannekin Pis"

And this is the Grand Place - during the summer months, despite the rain - it poured on Saturday, various traders set out their stalls to attract tourists.

Part of one of the buildings is being renovated and is covered in posters:

And I really liked this: the spaces between the arches are painted, but give the impression that you are looking out into the countryside. Pretty clever

Eating again

That evening I was able to eat in the Campanille restaurant (I would never have tried before the de fill, since I'd be bound to be sick at some point) and altho it was a slow process - putting my fork down between bites, etc, I eventually managed half my dinner of grilled salmon and very nice it was too!

Next morning I tried to have breakfast but that didn't work at all - he had warned me to keep away from meat and bread for a while, and I suppose bacon and rubbery scrambled eggs weren't a very good choice. I couldnt' in the end even drink the coffee.

Gave up on that idea and went into Brussels for a touristy wander around. I had bought a guide book this time, which should have made it easier for me, but the way the Lower Town is laid out, you don't really need one.

Galleries St Hubert - the first shopping centre in Europe.

Off to Brussels again

Set off for Belgium on Friday - not really able to eat anything significant. I did buy a chicken and advocado sandwich, but was only able to scrape some of the advocado off and eat it, and even then ended up pbing in the Eurostar terminal (tidily into a plastic bag I'd brought along just in case)

Not good.

I was pretty stressed about getting to Chris de Bruyne since my train wasn't in till 5.30pm and he'd said he wasn't going to be around after 8pm.

By now I am fairly used to finding the train timetables and working out where the Vilvoorde train goes from, platform 20 at 6.07 or platform 17 at 5.52.

Managed to get to platform 7 for the 5.52 - I noticed the sun was shining. It hardly shines in Brussels - not for nothing a taxi driver once told me that Belgium is known as "the land of the hidden sun"

However, in true London form, the 5.52 never did turn up, and eventually there were a series of incomprehensible announcements and I moved rapidly to platform 20 to get the next train to Vilvoorde.

I arrived at the Campanille in time to order a taxi, freshen up a little and get off to Melsbroek to see CDB. I was quite nervous in the waiting room - which I've never been before - since I really didn't know if I needed a fill or a defill or what.

When I told him I'd been dehydrated and being sick, he immediately said he would take 1mil out and that I would need an xray.

The xray was quick and painless, and the stuff I had to swallow wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. He told me to drink it as fast as possible, so I just glugged it down and hoped it didn't all come back up! Thankfully it did not and he was able to see that altho my band was still in the correct position, and there was no damage to my oesophagus, there was swelling and inflammation round my band, so the 1mil he'd taken out has to stay out for now

He said I could have it back in in a month or so, but for now, to drink at least an extra litre of water each day or I'd end up with a UTI (bladder infection)

(He was right, I already had one)

Fill tomorrow?

I feel a lot better than a did last week, and I am glad I saved the £150 I was going to pay last week going for an emergency de-fill.

I hope to see Dr Chris tomorrow evening- God willing: it depends on the Belgian trains running on time. . since I'm getting a later Eurostar than usual. I should get there on time. . .but I'm a dreadful worrier for being late, and my idea of being on time is really being an hour early grin, so I hope I am not too stressed tomorrow.

Am hoping to have an xray to see if everything is ok, and then I really don't know what to do. My band has been very tight and I am being sick a lot of the time. But only because I try to eat or drink too much.

Even water doesn't go past my band very easily.

I do wonder if I should have it tightened a tiny amount, to stop my getting so many liquid calories down. (It is frightening, but you can live, fat, on nothing but liquids, and never lose weight)

Alternatively, should I have it loosened a bit so I can eat more normally an healthily?

I don't want to go yo-yoing between fills and un fills all my life; so really am not sure what I am going to do tomorrow.

Amn't I hopeless?!

I will be interested to see what the xray shows, in particularly whether there is swelling round the band or my oesphagus is swollen. If nothing shows, maybe I should leave the band as it is. . .

I have only lost 6lbs in the last month or so; but then I haven't being trying over hard.

Sigh, what to do . . .

Wow

Just noticed (unless all the pain and swelling in my stomach has affected my brain) that I have a 41% EWL. That sounds enormous. Tho the first half is always going to be easier to do than the second half. . .



I'm not yet five months out and have lost 32lbs - it isn't a huge loss, but like I've said before, unlike diets, I can't get out of this. A band is for life, not just in the run up to Christmas :-)

Tough couple of days

It has been a tough couple of days with a lot of vomitting, reflux, gaviscon, vomitting, dehydration etc.

I cracked last night and emailed the Healthier Weight Centres to see if they could do an emergency un fill. It got complicated when I realised it would be £150 for the band adjustment, *plus* £250 for an xray. No could do.

And I am not sure I wanted someone fiddling around with my band without an xray first. But in the end I agreed to go for the adjustment; £150 didn't seem a lot to pay for what I hoped would be instant pain relief.

Sigh - the best laid plans of mice and men etc. I set off and walked the half hour to the train station; only to find that due to an incident on the line there were no trains into London. When I found myself still on the platform an hour later, it was plain I wouldn't make it to the hospital before the end of clinic time, so I gave up and walked all the way home again.

Absolutely exhausted with the walking, not sure if it is the fallout from my recent infection.

So I survived another day with no un fill. Only eight days till I see Chris de Bruyne. I hope I make it.

Not able to eat or drink a lot; well not that a lot stays down. Which on the bright side of things meant that this morning I was 168.9lbs. The lowest I've been in a long time.

There is definitely a (significant) part of my mind that tells me that it doesn't matter what I suffer, if I am losing weight it is worth it. I know in my head that that is rubbish; but in my heart I am well and truely convinced of the "no pain no gain" theory.

Except when the pain gets so bad I am nearly crying. Then in the middle of the night I'd do anything for a defill of my band and the ability to relax my stomach muscles.

But in the middle of the night there isn't much I can do. But hey, I've lost a pound or so - not a lot, but I have got to keep going. . .

And down again

I don't mean my weight either; just my general outlook on life the universe and this band. Since I was ill (and my tonsils are beginning to hurt again) I think my band has tightened quite a bit and I spent most of today trying to drink fluids and throwing up.

It is now 1am and I am so thirsty and my throat/oesophagus/stomach are aching fit to cry over. I can't go to sleep cos I am hungry and thirsty and in pain, and I vomitted all my antibiotics for today so I'm scared of the infection coming back . .if I knew how, I'd unfill my band right now.

I know I'm only whingeing and I should feel better tomorrow - but right now I feel pretty miserable.

Still 12-2. Or 12-3. Not losing weight just heart and hope.

I have made arrangements to go to Belgium in 10 days time. I do need to get an x ray this time and to find out if my band is too tight.

Sometimes I think I don't care how tight it is so long as I lose weight, but lately there's been too much pain and vomitting and I still am not losing weight.

Not a sustainable position even short term. I hope tomorrow is better

Monday May 5th

Feeling more positive today - finally over that ghastly throat infection (I think) and on the mend. Weight wise I will see what I weigh in the morning,but I do think if I am going to shift much more weight I am going to have to start being a lot more careful about what I eat and do more exercise

In short I need to go on a diet :-) I also need to up my water intake, I really am not getting enough fluid down, esp since I lose a lot thru being sick.

My potassium is low,but I can't stomach the postassium pills the hospital gave me (huge round things you dissolved into fizzy water, which tastes as tho it has salt and sugar in it - uggggg)

Might ask GP for alternative, or hope that it goes away on it's own. I think it will if I am sick less.

Spring seems to have finally sprung, so apart from a dehydration headache and not being able to sleep, i feel great.

The not sleeping is becoming a bad habit. I am pretty sure it is because I don't do enough exercise during the day. Need to try harder